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My fiancee has a four year old daughter who is starting to ask more question about her mother and I's relationship. She knows that we are dating and that we are going to get married soon but she asked a few questions that have us both trying to figure out how explain it so she will understand. How do you explain a lesbian relationship to a four year old? She said I could marry her mother but how am I going to be her dad if I'm a girl? These are a few questions that seem to have me stumped. Can someone please help. Also her mother and I plan on having more children soon but I dont want them to call me by my name so what do I do. I'm a stud (masculine one in the relationship) and dont really feel comfortable being called mom. -Confused Soon to be Parent.
Posted on 08/24/11, 03:54 am
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Reply #1 - 08/24/11  9:02pm
" Tell her that some kids have a mom and dad, some kids have two moms, and some kids have two dads. Tell her that you and her mom love each other very much and that you want to be her parent too. It's not so much about the gender but about being there for your child. Just have them call you by your first name or make up a nickname. Congrats on your soon-to-be marriage! :) "
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Reply #2 - 08/25/11  9:46am
" Piano has some good advice. Pick a nickname that only your children will use, so they can say this is my Mom and my ???
I have a friend that is very butch, when her children were little their friends automatically called her, "your Dad, Maria." The kids just knew.
Congratulations on your pending marriage! "
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Reply #3 - 10/17/11  10:44am
" I'm in a comparable situation with my own 4-year-old. While she hasn't actually asked questions yet, she's clearly experiencing some confusion over the fact that she has a "Daddy" (who lives "far away" and is not really part of her life, but about whom my relatives frequently remind her) and a "Papa" (my asexual partner). I try to keep things simple with her. We're trying to deal with the questions and concerns as they arise. The most important thing is to minimize the stress on the child without resorting to dishonesty. (Easier said than done!) "
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Reply #4 - 01/03/13  5:49pm
" My partner and I have been together for almost 10yrs and we had a child together in 2008 with the help of a close friend.... turkey baster method worked for us! Our daughter will be 5 in March and all she has ever known is her 2 mommies, father moved back to Czech Republic before she was born and we agreed that he would have no part of her life! When she was younger she was so proud and would tell everyone she has 2 moms but since she is getting older and understanding we/she is not like all the other families she knows she seems to be very confused.... we talk to her and explain things and we both have supportive families who talk to her and answer questions if she asks but she doesn't seem to really understand exactly what's going on! When she plays certain things it's ALWAYS a mom and a dad... she calls them her mom and dad and we have asked why it isn't 2 moms or 2 dads etc. and she just says "idk just because"! We have tried many different ways of handling situations and conversations with her but we are at a standstill and I'm hoping by putting our situation on here that we can get some advice from lesbian parents who have already dealt with this or similar and we are also looking to get her into therapy with someone who specializes in LGBTQ families! We live on The North Shore in Massachusetts so if anyone has any resources for us we would greatly appreciate it "
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Reply #5 - 01/07/13  12:45am
" Honestly I don't remember at all how my mom explained everything to me. She divorced my father when I was about 5 so I've grown up with a single dad and two moms and I wish I could help more but the only thing I could tell you is to just explain that not all children have a mom and a dad, and that you're both her parent.
I want to guarantee that being raised in your home will eventually be normal and she'll accept everything and it'll get to a point where she doesn't question, but honestly I was a quiet kid and I have no clue what I said.
As for what you call you, hey if you want have em call you "dad." It's essentially just a nickname, isn't it? I still call my mom's partner/wife by her name, but either/both will respond to "mom" "

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