Gastric Bypass Surgery Support Group

Well. I have a few questions for you.

Do you still love your husband? Are you still in love with him?
Have you tried talking to him? I understand you harboring resentment for him, and how things declined. But if you havent discussed your feelings and concerns with him, and given him an opportunity to respond, then you arent helping either of you. As im sure you know by now but may have forgot, communication is the foundation of a truly successful marriage. Give him a chance to explain himself.

It depends...

When you married your husband, did you marry him for better or worse? Or just for when it was convenient or comfortable?

I know this sounds harsh, but I think sometimes, it is too easy for us to just walk away rather then work on stuff like this.

You have some decisions to make, good luck with them.

God Bless!

Janelle

Please keep in mind you're changing. Not just physically but emotionally as well. Becoming more of the person you want to be, or should I say the person you were meant to be.
Now, the decision is yours. I would think it's normal for your husband to change some too. Maybe he is trying to be more the man you want him to be. (just my 2 cents)
Anything worth having in the first place should also be worth working for in the future.

Melinda

Be careful here. Don't assume or blame your husband's lack of interest in sex on your weight. If you have not talked with him about it then you are just speculating. We have all done this. The other thing, I think you should be proud of your decision to make this journey and possibly the "new you" is what has sparked his new found interest. I don't mean just your weight loss but perhaps you have changed in how you see yourself and feel about youself And that IS what he sees as sexy! Please talk to him. Last, I believe any marriage where there is mutual love and respect is worth saving!!!

I agree with all the others, but also offer a different spin. Forget and forgive the past, that was a different person for you and maybe for him too. But be happy that he is interested in you again. I have heard horror stories about husbands becoming jealous over their spouse's weight loss and treating them quite cruelly. Take pleasure in the new relationship and rebuild it anew. Best of luck!!

When I started reading your post, I thought someone had read my mind and wrote it down. I have been married for 25 years and I have my surgery in 2 days. I know my husband loves me, he tells me everyday and I love him, we have grown up together really. We have been through a lot of "worse" times and have made it through together. I weighed 120 when we got married and have gained over 100 lbs in the last 10 years. I know when he looks at me, my weight disgusts him and is a huge turn off. But frankly it disgusts me too. Like you, I have told myself that he has another thing coming if he thinks he can suddenly become "interested" sexually in me again after the weight starts coming off. I have had a long talk with myself though and I have to admit that my weight has affected me so much that I am not the same person I was. It consumes me at times, depresses me, my health has declined so much. I don't even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. Truthfully, I am not me anymore and this is the reason I decided on weight loss surgery. I want to be me again. I just wanted you to know that there was someone who felt EXACTLY like you do...but feeling that way did not make me any happier, so I am going to try to see this as a way to get back to being me and the healthy life I once knew, with my husband at my side and feeling me up every chance he gets..lol Hang in there, 20 years is something to be proud of and something worth fighting for. Not many people actually stick with the vows they made before God and witnesses anymore.

speaking of God... because I believe God is a verb not a pronoun - maybe those vows you made are more real now than they have been for a long time. I think all couples go through ups and downs, the tidal ebbs and floes - in response to the stresses and celebrations in our lives. These days you value yourself more, perhaps like you did 20 years ago...this is attractive to anyone, especially someone who deep down loves you. It is hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves! Personally, I believe in 'living in the present moment'. My suggestion is to enjoy the present, celebrate your accomplishment and make room for your partner to join in your celebration. It is hard to believe anything could grow in a dessert, however we know that after a drought and then after a gentle rain - even the cactus bloom.

Do you think that its possible that not only does he find you more appealing physically, but maybe the way you are starting to feel about yourself is a turn on to him. Im sure with that kind of weight loss you are beginning to have a very different body image as well as a new sense of confidence. Those things in a person can be far more attractive then the physical aspect. Let it go and enjoy this turn for the better in your relationship. Think of it as a positive.

Hi rabbitfarmer,

I tihnk you have some excellent advice here....I just wanted to add harboring bitterness and resentment only affects you, especially if your husband is unaware of your feelings. Allow yourself to be happy, really happy and try to work things through.

all the best
-Angela

I could have written exactly what you did. I felt the same way you feel. One day at work I saw this really cute doctor (unlike on TV a cute doctor is pretty rare!) and I had these intense 'feelings.' The kind I have not had since I was a teenager. I got to thinking about my husband. He is overweight although not to the extent that I was. I wondered how I would feel about him if he lost a lot of weight. The truth is that I would be MUCH more turned on by him than I am now. It is not that I don't love him the way he is, I do. I guess I just can't blame him for his feelings because the truth is I would feel the same way.