Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Just wanted to share this take on guilt .In my recovery took me awhile to learn to let go of my guilt.Can't forget about it but can't dwell on it either.

THE POWER OF A NEW ATTITUDE... by. Dr. Alan Nelson

DESCRIPTION AND DANGERS

"Regrets, I've had a few" the song confesses. Most of us, if we're honest with ourselves, could come up with a boatload of mistakes we've made, people we've hurt, and opportunities we've blown. While taking responsibility for our errors is important, one very popular self-sabotaging behavitude is choosing to stay in unhealthy guilt instead of cleaning up the mess.
Did your mother ever tell you not to cry over spilled milk? She meant that what's done is done. Crying over it won't change what happened. She didn't mean, however, that you shouldn't clean up the milk you spilled.
Healthy guilt is an emotional or mental conviction that results in a behavioral change. Unhealthy guilt is when we stay locked into our sense of failure, are unable to act on it, and are unable to move on. People with unhealthy guilt feel the need to be punished....punishment some people feel they deserve. Guilt is a very difficult form of self-sabotage from which to disengage.
Related to unhealthy guilt is debilitating regret. Those who can't let go of their own or others' past mistakes may find themselves immersed in regret.
Forgiveness is the key to getting beyond guilt and regret. We must learn to forgive ourselves and others when milk has been spilled. This is needed when we spill our milk, when others spill our milk, and when we spill others' milk. The first has to do with times we've failed ourselves....such as, I'm never gonna gamble again then next day ..gamble..we have spilled our milk. Examples of others spilling our milk are .. being rude to us, gossipping about us, breaking a promise, insulting us and physically, verbally and emotionally abusing us. When we do these things to other people.. we're spilling their milk.
Spilled milk, in the context we're using the phrase, pertains to any number of past events where guilt, failure, and others' offences become the focal point of our present lives. This in turn hampers our future health and well-being because we're fixated around something that cannot be undone.

Do you have the following symptoms of being stuck in guilt or regret?

1. You have a gnawing sense of guilt, conviction, and remorse.

2. You are condemning, critical, or self-righteous toward others.

3. You often demonstrate self-flagellation and false humility regarding your unworthiness.

THE DANGER OF EXAGGERATED DAMAGE

An active guilt complex tends to overly dramatize the harm done. For example, a woman says something unkind about a work associate. She feels so bad about the rude comment that she avoids the associate for days. She suffers from headaches and cannot concentrate on her work because of what she said.
The inverse of exaggerated guilt is offence, when someone has injured us. Instead of letting a stray comment or criticism fade as so much noise, we invent all sorts of retaliatory manoeuvres. When we replay the episode over and over, the perceived damage grows in intensity. Huge conflicts are often created out of minor altercations.

THE DANGER OF BLAMING TO AVOID GUILT

Sometimes we find relief from the guilt we feel by putting the blame on others or on circumstances. No one enjoys admitting personal inadequacies or failures, so we avoid it by keeping the focus off our participation. "I only drove the getaway car. I was the helpless victim of the situation, taken hostage by the moment."
By blaming other people for our failures or drawing attention to the factors surrounding our sins, we play down our responsibility for what happened. This is self-defeating because it convinces us that we are victims of Powers greater then ourselves, which in turn affects our self-esteem and sense of security.

THE DANGER OF UNHEALTHY ANGER

Another common response to guilt is anger. Not all angry people are suffering from unhealthy guilt, but anger is common because it is defensive in nature. The guilt-ridden person feels accused, condemned, and cornered. The natural response is to defend himself against perceived attack.
The slow burn of guilt tends to corrupt our relationships with people who are unrelated to our failure. The damaged soul is akin to an injured animal that lashes out at helping hands. WE confuse those who draw near to us with those who would take advantage of us in our weakened condition, and we respond to them in anger.

THE DANGER OF PEOPLE-PLEASING

Another response to the unhealthy behavitude of holding onto guilt is the groveling, self-demeaning attitude of a people-pleaser. As a means of working off his or her emotional debt, a person chooses to behave like a human doormat, inviting others to take advantage of him or her."Go ahead, abuse me. Use me. I'm a worthless soul for all the bad I've done." Often there are people willing to comply.
Although the people-pleaser may appear outwardly to be a dedicated servant, his or her acts of service are not done out of a sincere desire to help others. Guilt-ridden people may appear to be the most subservient, submissive, humble people you will meet. And they are often mistakenly esteemed as saints within communities that value such traits as humility and service. Guilt-ridden servant hood, however, is not service from a humble heart but rather an attempt of the people-pleaser to assuage his or her guilt.

CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK

In an ideal world, guilt serves as a healthy indicator to remind us when we have erred ethically, morally, or socially. It pricks our soul so that we do not repeat the act or harm ourselves or others even further. Just as pain receptors tell us when our skin is being cut by a knife. when our finger is on a hot stove, or when we're pushing the exercise to the point of harm, guilt is designed to warn our souls of empending danger. It says, " Stop. Go Back. Don't do this again. Correct the situation. You've done something damaging."
Because we're moral beings, we sense guilt. Immoral beings do not feel guilt. Just as a broken fuel gauge does not give you a proper reading of how much gas is in your tank, a disconnected conscience often results in all sorts of faulty soul readings. But just as a malfunctioning gauge can indicated more gas than is present, an overly active conscience creates inordinate guilt feelings that hinder our well-being.
Why do we cry over spilled milk if it is self-defeating? Here are four reasons:

1. Crying over spilled milk provides us With a sense of penance. It is a way that we try to forgive ourselves and/or earn another chance. Since we feel powerless about unspilling the milk, feeling guilty is a form of emotional punishment and may ease our conscience for a time. It is an attempt to buy forgiveness through self-flagellation.

2. The past, even if bad, is more secure then an unknown future. By focusing on the spilled milk, we can avoid cleaning it up, driving to the store to buy more milk, or replacing our neighbour's milk that we spilled. We avoid moving on. Going forward can be scary. The effort to move ahead is often painful. Thus we live in the spilled milk instead of wiping it up and progressing. Living in the past is a self-sabotaging behavitude, but when we live there among our own broken promises and lapses, the harm is multiplied. Growth requires cleaning up the mess we made and setting out to pursue new goals.

3. We are socially conditioned to feel shame. Depending on our upbringing, some of us can manufacture guilt at the drop of a hat. WE shame ourselves before others do in an attempt to save face. This knee-jerk reaction is often a conditioned response more than it is a conscious, intentional choice. In the past, churches have cornered the market on guilt production, not to mention attracting guilt-ridden people. Certain congregations and associations of churches have taken advantage of this self-sabotaging response. Many of these religious organizations both create and feed off people with this behavitude instead of relieving it. They want to improve giving, attending, and serving, and they use guilt to do it.
Shaming is one of the strongest manipulative tools. Guilty people, by shaming themselves sufficiently, can actually gain sympathy from those they injure. How's that for a twist on reality ?

4. We fail to understand a healthy spiritual response to guilt and remorse. Our emotional responses are often created by faulty thought processes. Nearly all unhealthy guilt feelings can be traced back to " should" statements. " I should have done that." " I should not have done that." While "de-shoulding" our self-talk is very effective, therapeutic solution, sometimes it is insufficient by itself.

BECOMING YOUR OWN BEST ALLY

Accept your limitations to self-forgive.

The non biblical means of coping with this guilt problem is to try to forgive yourself. The world says,"forgive yourself. Let it go. Don't feel bad about past failures." If you are innocent of a failure, there is nothing to forgive. If you are at least in part guilty of some wrongdoing, then forgiving yourself is akin to lifting yourself off the ground by pulling on your socks. You do not have a foundation from which to leverage your forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness is different from accepting forgiveness.
For justice to be served, someone must pay the price for the wrongdoing. When you get a traffic ticket, you cannot legally tear it up. Only a judge can forgive you. This is why I find a biblical explanation most effective. It explains how we can receive forgiveness for wrongdoing.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1: 8-9

Let God, the professional, handle forgiveness

PURSUE GOD'S FORGIVENESS

Self-forgiveness is unreasonable because we do not have the authority to undo our sins or moral and ethical failures. Creating our own moral cleansing plan is different from accepting one that God, the Ultimate judge, provides.--No matter how deeply theological we get, the process requires faith. Even though a pharmacist can describe the chemical reaction between the drug and body, still the patient must take the medication to experience the anticipated result. That is faith, an action based on a belief without full proof.

HOLISTIC FORGIVENESS

The forgiveness prescription involves four steps: confession, repentance, restitution, and acceptance.

1. Confession comes first, because it acknowledges ownership. " I did it. I'm the one. Look no further to find the person to blame. I'm busted." By owning your mistakes, you can effect the change. But confession alone is insufficient to do this. It must be accompanied by repentance.

2. Repentance has to do With having a " change of mind" the literal translation of the word. When a person changes in mind, attitude , and heart, he or she heads in a different direction. Confession without repentance demonstrates responsibility with no intent to respond differently in the future. Guilt without repentance is anger at being caught.

3. Restitution. This is when your attitude produces action. You replace the loss as best you can. You apologize and prove your remorse in some tangible way. Without confession and repentance, restitution is a means of self-forgiveness. It assumes you can redeem yourself by buying down the debt. This is what big companies often do. They make legal or fiscal restitution without admitting guilt, which is a frustrating, inhuman approach to making things right. For true restitution to take place, it must follow the confession of wrongdoing and repentance. Because talk is cheap, it is only after our appropriate inner response that our outward behavior gains value. Do your best to make things right. If it is impossible, move on directly to step 4.

4. Acceptance. For many of us with a sensitive conscience, being forgiven induces another round of guilt. WE feel as though we shouldn't be let off so easily. Accepting forgiveness ,however, is not the same as lowering our desecrating standards. Unpacking forgiveness rightly does not make a mockery of justice. It merely recognizes that the price of your sin was too high for you to pay. You must therefore rely on God's grace. Jesus demonstrated the precarious balance of justice and grace. He had the uncanny ability to be both conservative in his values and liberal in his methodologies. He did not condemn the woman caught in adultery, but he warned her to " go and sin no more." As this woman discovered,, being forgiven is an honor and an under served privilege. When we understand the cost of forgiveness, we will have a corresponding attitude of humility and graciousness.

INTENTIONAL FORGETFULNESS

Unlike confession and even repentance, accepting forgiveness usually requires ongoing maintenance. The problem is one of memory. WE all have mental VCR's in which we rerun past, multisensory events of spilling milk.
For forgiveness to retains its effectiveness, we must keep reminding ourselves of it, long after the behavior has been committed and the forgiveness received.
Forgiveness is both an action and an attitude on the parts of the offended and the guilty persons. The act of forgiveness must often be followed up with a series of forgiving attitudes. Our minds play subtle tricks on us. We involuntarily replay the failure tape, time after time after time. Sometimes, the thought of the other person or a circumstance similar to the one surrounding the wrongdoing can act as a stimulus to engage the memory tape. When this happens, we must remind ourselves of the forgiveness we have received.
Posted on 10/28/09, 07:10 pm