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What brought me to where I am
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I had my usuall Friday night GA meeting tonight..
I speak from my heart there and feel so easy inside after. There was one lady, who start crying, she had multiple addictions before, but gambling is the hardest one, she relapsed. Anyway, she started to laugh and then cried, saying she is so happy to see me. I was looking at her and trying to remember, but couldn't... Turned out, she remembered me speaking from 5 years ago, when I brought my then 13 year old son to the GA meeting. She genuinly was happy that I came in. Her point was, she was recently was going to the meetings, but couldn't relate to what others been sharing, but she related to me 5 years ago there and my late apperance in tonights meeting made her feel accepted. I really admired that, because I myself had hard time speaking my mind - I was afraid to hurt someone. So, I offered her to look at what she said as an accomplishment and part of growing up. It doesn't matter how old we are, even being 70 years old we can be still little submissive children, scared to touch the reality and its never late to grow up.

I was sharing with the group about what I feel inside and it is Peace.
I shared, I have all this things I have to face now, but I am not afraid, because I got myself... And I am finally blessed its happened.

On my way from GA meeting, I start thinking of what brought me to that place of serenity, acceptance of reality and myself as it is and feeling of Peace inside..
First, learning from other gamblers who crossing from one addiction to another, if the Job inside is not completed. And I don't have any desire to cross onto another addiction. I want to be Complete.
You can not gamble for month to 10, 20 years and sometimes just to come to realization after still living in worry, depression and rejection of yourself, just to realize all you had all this time is only abstinence, but never reached Recovery or better to say full Recovery. It doesn't mean after reaching it you can go and gamble again. No. It means you will not even have a desire to harm yourself in such way, but will love live to the fullest, enjoying yourself in this very present moment.
What brought me to this, is not all this years of gambling itself, but 10 years of very serious distraction to almost complete self-elimination, 8 years of going to therapy, hating myself and people in the room with me, but still stupidly coming, just for a reason of keeping my sanity. My extreme fight with myself, my extreme Pride, hidden selfishness, my desire to get the most on my 'plate', and my extreme disbelieve in better life for myself. I apreciate my distraction, I appreciate my stubornes, because the harder it was the more I appreciate this serenity feeling I have right now.
I am not looking for anymore pitty parties, I am not looking for another bail out, I am not looking to solve any of my problems win big win or any win, I am not looking to escape...
I am looking for joy of what I got right now, this very own minute, hour and Im looking to have long peacefull years with myself, who I trully love.
We all blessed with our own journeys and with each other!
There is a light at the end of a tunnel.
Have a good night!
Vicky - compulsive gambler.
Posted on 11/23/12, 11:23 pm
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Reply #1 - 11/23/12  11:32pm
" People who are willing and do the work always make the most progress. You're a great example for me to follow.
Thank you
Ric "
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Reply #2 - 11/24/12  4:46am
" Hi compulsive gambler Vicky, I am most happy to read this awesome post. I have watched the duckling turn into a swan before my very eyes. It is humbling and beautiful to see how far you have come since your first posts here. It is so inspiring to see this. You know that saying about "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger"? Vicky I think you are a regular Sampson! Keep it coming, Girl, and keep building that serenity one day at a time. Love, Atticus "
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Reply #3 - 11/24/12  11:09am
" E, I know, you do remember english is my second language. Learning more from you on it... I am not familiar with all the expressions.. Had to look up, what " a regular Sampson" mean in dictionary. Thank you, my friend! "

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