Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Hi Everyone, First time poster, I just found this website yesterday. I went seeking this and joined because I have to start somewhere, trying to save my soul. I never in a million years would have imagined I would be self-destructing like this. I'm a 39 year old mother of two young boys (6 and 18 months). I've been married to a man I love dearly for 7 years. We are financially secure (so far), mostly because I have little access to our money, and I'm happy to keep it that way. I started playing slots about 8 years ago, in fact my husband introduced me to it. I had never been to a casino or done any gambling other than play poker with change with friends occasionally. Well as my husband so eloquently stated, he did not realize the slot machines would be my heroine. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic mother. I drank heavily and experimented with many recreational drugs and never got addicted to anything other than cigarettes. Till I tried gambling. Or maybe I should say till I hit a jackpot. I'm lost. I can't figure out why I gamble, other than I do fit the description of an escape gambler. It's not about the money, we have plenty. I gamble hoping to win so I can gamble more. I tell myself if I hit something "big", like a thousand dollars, I will send it to my credit card which is now over $10k, mostly due to those pricey cash advances. But I've won that several times and as you all can guess, I put it all back in. I feel like I grew up with good morals and values and I still feel like I'm a good person and good mom most of the time. But I have incredible guilt about spending time gambling that I "should" be spending with my kids. I work p/t for my husband, I choose my own hours. I have a babysitter for the time I work, and I spend about half that time working and half gambling. I lie all the time to my husband about where I am and what I'm doing. He knows I gamble, he still gambles with me on weekends but it's not allowed for me to gamble by myself. He has no clue about addiction or how much he enables me. I came clean to him 3 years ago, told him everything about how I was lying about the time I spent working, how high my credit bills were (he doesn't see them), etc. I did stop gambling for a while, then slowly started sneaking around again, first a little and then more when I realized he wasn't "onto" me. We stopped gambling socially on the weekends for about a year, then I talked him into believing that I could do that again without getting addicted again or abusing my work time. Sneaking around, lying to my husband (and friends and family), wasting time and money are all absolutely horrible for my self-esteem and go against every value I have about how to live life. So why do I continue to gamble? I know there is help, I am not choosing to seek it. I am not calling my therapist and saying I've been lying for years and I've been gambling again. I am not seeking out GA meetings (never been to one). I am choosing to socialize with friends who drink and gamble with me. This disease has a strong hold on me and right now I don't feel like I have the will to fight it. So I keep doing it. Thanks for reading, and I hope to find friends, support, and maybe some sort of path to finding myself again. Peace.
Posted on 08/06/12, 10:02 pm