What is Gambling Addiction
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as f...
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First, I want to say that I'm so glad that I found this site. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone and that others have gone through this (or are still going through it), and that there is help and hope out there. If there's any advice or help I can provide, I would be happy to help anyone out who's going through what I am right now.
I'm feeling so lost and don't know where to turn. I've talked to family members and friends and although I've gotten some wonderful advice and the best support I could ask for, none of them have lived with a gambling addict and don't really understand what I'm going through or what I should do next. I'm not going to ramble on, but my husband is a CG. It's gotten so bad in the past two years, but probably started many years ago. Heck, I even went with him because it was a nice day out for me at the track. And of course, when he it, we both enjoyed the winnings. But to this date, it's spiralling out of control. We've been together for 20 years (16 of which we've been married). We have 2 beautiful girls and the last thing I want to see is our family come apart. But, we're on the verge of divorce and I don't know where to turn. He was the most sweetest, considerate, hard working guy I'd ever known. Many people told me how lucky I was to have such a terrific guy, and I totally agreed. But things have changed so drastically that I don't even know who this person is. Gambling has taken over his life and is ruining our family. I think it all started with him owning his own business and having control of the money. The business went under and I do believe now it was him gambling most of his profits away. We are practically broke and 2 children to provide for. Last year I even took money out of my 401k to help him and he told me then that he was done and that he learned his lesson; and I believed it. Well, it's been nothing but lies since; all he does is stay out until all hours, is drinking most of the time and doesn't seem interested in anything. and we are so far apart that we barely talk. We're trying to keep it together in front of the kids. I told him that I thought it best to divorce as he did not seem to want to help himself. I told him about GA and he even acknowledged that he had a problem, but things are so far gone that I don't think we can turn it around. I think I'm ready to go through with it and try to move on, but it really does hurt, not to mention the pain of telling the kids and having to feel their pain. There's so much more and I could go on for a while, but as many of you have been through this, I think you know what the situation may be. If there's any advice you can give me, I would certainly appreciate it. Should I just divorce him and avoid any more heartache and hurting my children (not to mention the financial burden which is quickly becoming unbearable) or is there any hope? Me myself, I never give up hope, but my husband seems completely uninterested in saving himself (or us). I pray that God will hear my prayers! I will also pray for all of you who are living through this nightmare. God Bless!! Posted on 08/15/09, 12:08 am |
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Hi Cathy,
After reading your post, I had a thought pop into my head. Well, a couple thoughts, actually. Would your husband be willing to turn over ALL finances to you, including his paycheck? You have to protect your children, and yourself from the financial disaster. Take him off of any accounts, I think (?) you can even tell the bank why. Other people here will have better info on this. I'm a compulsive gambler, that's why I'm here. My husband has total control of our finances and has for almost 2 yrs, and I'm finding a healthier was of living and thinking. When your husband acknowledged that he has a problem, was it gambling, drinking, or both. Acknowledging the prob doesn't necessarily mean he's ready, or willing to stop. You're so right to never give up hope, but it's up to him help himself. GA is a great idea, if he's willing to check it out. Have you thought about a separation? That was my first thought. We're here for you, and now you're here for us, thank you. 
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Hello and I want to tell you, my Husband feels
about the same as you do. I am the gambler in our home. I am here alone most of the time and I have gotten addicted to lottery tickets and I also have every intention in stopping everytime I say it. I did stop for about 9 months in 2007, then last year August I thought I could buy a few lottery tickets and stop, well that was a year ago and several thousands of dollars. My husband has become a very mean heartless person from the once loving caring man he was. Of course as he says I am to blame for all our problems because of the lottery. Some I will agree with financially but I do however have a problem with his constant making me feel worthless about all of this. You sound as though you really love your husband and that is a wonderful thing, but until he decides for himself once and for all to stop, he won't. You can't force him into it or try to control the situation, it's ultimetly up to him. I know my husband thinks I do not feel at all bad for this and he is wrong, he will never know how awful I feel. Prayer is a good thinand I hope this all turns around for you and your family. It's gonna be tough whatever path you take. I have recently been given a choice and I love my Husband more then he'll ever know, but as I told him, I have to do this my way, not by force. I have asked him to help me many times but he will not. If you love your husband and I believe you do, just Have a long talk with him and tell him you cannot take it anymore. Don't lose yourself in his problem. I wish I could tell you there is a switch we could all turn off and never gamble again but there isn't, it takes time, patience and above all else love, sometimes love isn't enough. I pray alot and I do believe with God all thing are possible but I read something that I hadn't considered in all my prayers and that is we all have free will and it is up us to make the right choices and God cannot change our free will, that is up to us. Take Care and there are so many people here who are in your situation and will help you so much. I wish my husband would come here and read some of the other posts on here, maybe it would help him understand a little bettr but he won't.
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Dear Cathy, You are not alone. My DH(darling dear and sometimes da..or dumb LOL husband) is a CG that is in recovery. Today is his six month mark of being gamble free GF. We are celebrating today. He went to play golf and we are living life as usual but without the lies and deceit gambling caused in our life.
Our life was much like yours except we have four children that I was blessed to stay home with for 20 years. I just went back to work last year when our economy 'crashed" the car business. As you can read on my Journals, we have been through so much. My DH hit rock bottom but through the help of God and GA he is doing well in his recovery. The word relapse scares me especially as football season approaches. My Dh loves playing black jack and three card poker but his vice was bookies. He bet every game that was played and I knew nothing about it. He hid casino boat trips that he and his Mom took when I thought he was buying cars. He lied to me everyday and I never knew how bad he was until he Hit his bottom and lost his job. I am now finding out so much. This site has helped me immensely...Our GA is a "closed meeting" so I do not go with him so this is my outlet. My DH did not want to go to GA for fear of his "status" in our community and our church. But now the meetings are at our church and he has given his testimony to our church. It is out and everyone has been so accepting. Last week, a miracle happened in our lives when he went back to his old GM job. He also had to tell all his employees and fellow GMs "his story". It has been hard but God has carried us through. Somehow, we need to pray that your husband will seek GA and help. Have you told him yet that you are thinking of divorce? I was told that admitting you have a problem is the biggest step. You can get that " most sweetest, considerate, hard working guy" back if he is willing to get help. We are still in major debt but I feel the Lord will help us through this problem also. We have applied for the Home modification assistance. We shold hear this week. My DH is having to give up his hunting club and season footbsll tickets. Things are different but better. Somehow get your DH to read this site. It has also helped my DH. He does not participate but he reads it often. I am praying for you. Don't give up yet. Most people do not understand this "sickness". But life can go on without gambling. We are planning our daughters senior trip for 2011. We hope to be debt free by then. We want to go somewhere tropical without casinos. So much to look forward to... Georgia
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Dear Cathy,
Hello and welcome to DS. You are needed here, and we need you as well. I am a compulsive gambler, and due to my extensive counseling and faith in the Lord, I am overcoming my addition one day at a time. I can tell you honestly and wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt that any addiction is both hard to overcome and hard to admit. I can also tell you as I have learned that the two most painful aspects of an addiction are "shame and secrecy". The person with the addiction cannot describe or understand the feeling or what causes them to do it. It is very strong and very impartial. I also believe as with many other problems facing our nation today that "All things will come to pass" married or not, broke or not and disgusted or not. Time will heal all pain. It is inevitable. I believe that you need to focus on yourself and your children, however. You need to put every ounce of energy that you can muster up into yourself and your children's happiness. It is not their place nor their duty to suffer because of this addiction that your husband has. There comes a time in everyone's life when we all must stand up and "face the music". It is time for YOU and YOUR children now. Your husband needs to pull his head out of the sand. He is a grown man, and he is supposed to be the provider. Do things for you and your children only, activities, cooking, spending time together, counseling, bible study, things that will enhance your livelihood and well being and direct you toward true happiness. Do these things for you and your children. It will make you very relieved and proud. Come back here anytime and remember, the road to recovery and forgiveness begins in YOUR own HEART!Here is a poem that I would like to share with you also......God sometimes brings us to a place where answers can't be found... where we cannot see tomorrow, for confusion all around. Yet deep inside we realize that all things work for good... even times when we've been wounded and we feel misunderstood. Don't dwell on the injustice and stay focused on God's heart... find forgiveness and go on, you can make a brand new start. To make our lives more meaningful, it takes a cheerful heart... and loving life and living it each day as a brand new start. It takes a positive attitude when trials come our way... and having the strength to carry on and taking the time to pray. Life is what we make it, for the time that we are here... so start each day with a cheerful heart and see miracles appear. God Bless You Cathy and remember...........The happy and effective person is motivated, not by fear of wrongdoing, but by love of right doing. P. 1572:6, 140:4.6
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Hi Cathy, glad you found this site.
My grandma used to say, "you cannot help anyone who does not want to help themself." When gambling over takes a person, it also ravages loved ones of that person. If your hubby does not seek help for himself, you probably will soon be broke. It is not that the CG does not love his/her family, it's just that the CG loves and is addicted to what s/he wants... The CG lives a fantasy life and believes the "next one will be the big one." I do not hear in your je that your hubby is physically abusive. My following thoughts are based on him not being physically abusive. I can only offer practical thoughts: 1) Do not take loans out for your hubby, not one dime. YOUR spouse is a big person… if he wants to gamble, he will find the money, do not feel sorry for him and make it easy for him. That is enabling him. 2) Take over paying the household bills yourself. Do not pay his gambling debts... those are his. 3) If you have joint credit cards. Call the credit card companies and cancel the cards and cut them up. If you need one for emergencies, hide it in a locked drawer (I had to take mine to work and hid in a file cabinet). 3) Change your postal mail address to a PO Box so you can pick up the mail (especially mail sent to you that could be credit cards, etc., or credit taken out in your name). 4) If you do not have a separate bank account, consider opening one and keeping household expense money there. Talk with your bank about the situation (believe me banks are hearing about this type of situation continually these days). 5) Open an account with Equifax and Credit lock - Equifax is $12.95 a month, Credit Lock is an additional $2.00 a month. Equifax notifies you via email when there is activity on your credit. Credit Lock will not allow credit to be opened or extended to anyone but you and then it takes ~ 48 hours. Another is LifeLock, it monitors all three credit reports and does not allow anyone to take credit out in your name. 6) Contact an attorney who does not charge a consultation fee to talk. See what can be done to separate your and spouses finances/debts – it is called “Dissipation of Marital Assets” - at least in Florida (it may exclude you from owing debts which have incurred since the marriage that went toward gambling). Cathy, you need to take a stand as quickly as you can. It will not get better for you (or your children) until YOU do something different for YOU and the children. About divorce, only you can make that decision. I wish I had done the things I suggest above 2 to 5 years ago... It would have saved a lot of heartache for me and my son, and I would be debt free at this time. Your situation is VERY, VERY serious. It will not improve by ignoring it (as I did). It will not change by you thinking you can change it, or hoping it will change (CGs, as all addicts, count on the kind hearted - I know I was an addict). Just know: You cannot change it (him). You did not cause it. You cannot control it (him). You can only take care of you (and children), get your finances secured, take care of yourself mentally and emotionally), and do what needs to be done to separate from the problem (those things that are causing financial strain on the home at this time). Read some books on co-dependency by Melody Beatty (they are really very good - they helped me see me in my very situation). The CG spouse got into this him... only he can get out. It will be hard... but he has to first acknowledge he has a problem (to himself) and then seek help and support. Here is a link to the Gambler Anonymous for the CG: http://www.gamblersanonymous.org Here is a link to Gam Anon for the family member of a CG: http://www.gam-anon.org Call the number for your area... they care AND they will send you material that will help YOU. Contrary to popular belief... Gambling is not a game... it is a life sucking, destructive force. One last thought: Stick with this ds site, people here care and they have lots of experience that they can share with you. Take care of YOU, do not try and fix your CG spouse. This is hard. But YOU AND YOUR KIDS ARE WORTH IT. Always know TODAY YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. Hugs to you - debs (married to a CG for many years).
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Moyer, Froggy, Mamabear, Georgia & Debs: Thank you all so much for your posts. It truly means so much to me. It's so nice to talk to those in the same situation who can relate to what is happening and you all have offered wonderful advice. I'm crying as I'm reading your responses, but I feel so much better in talking it out and getting your feedback.
I did mention GA to my husband and I'm hoping he takes steps to attend those meetings. As of right now, we are separated and I'm praying that this will scare him enough to know that he has to get help or he will lose his family. I don't want to do that, but I feel I don't have a choice. I am willing to help him in any way I can (even if we have to sell our house to pay back some debt), but he HAS to be willing to help himself, go to the GA meetings and get his life back on track. I cannot do that for him. I know it's going to be a difficult road and I am willing to travel it with him, but he has to be williing to give 100 percent and stop the lies and everything else that has gone along with this nightmare. I beleive deep down inside he wants so bad to rid himself of this nightmare, but no one can help him unless he's willing to help himself. Again, thank you all so much; it really means a lot to me that you took the time to provide your advice and support. I will be checking into this site regularly now and I hope that I can provide words of comfort to you and anyone who is seeking help. I'm off to church now and you all will be in my prayers. Take care!!
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Dear Cathy, I am very new to this gambling situation, my husband started about 6 months ago but it went down the drain really fast he maxed out our CC with $16,400 plus the cash that he withdraw everytime he was paid. Good $6,000I do not work at the moment I have stayed at home with my two kids for 4 years but in October there is a job awaiting for me. I do have an education & that gives me security about the future & the future of my kids. I have been up several nights crying my eyes out about this situation, It hurts so much to see the man you love get destroyed like this, besides the money it's the pain that you have to endure. I opened a separate account & I am ready to transfer out the money as soon as he gets paid, sad to say that is my only choice.I told him about this, he was really mad but I said you left me no choice, we need to eat & pay the bills. I check his e-mails about possible offers from Credit cards of if he has applied afor anything & as soon as one comes to the house I simply destroy them. His family & my family knows about it & they will not loan him money for gambling. My faith has kept me going, only God knows what I am going through like you said people want to help but have never lived with a CG. I read's Jordan's mom advice & I think it's great, I am going to use myself that advice as well. I have thought about divorce & ultimatum to give him, not sure if it will help, I love my husband very much, he is caring, loving man, we have been married for 10 years we have two small children 7 & 2, but I think one of the biggest reasons for him to gamble is that he is an area far from us in Nevada where there are millions of casinos, he has a new job offer to start by mid sept closer to home & I think it will give me a better scenario of the whole situation once he is out of the temptation area, I also believe that one of the triggers for this new gambling phase is ithe separation from us ,his family, he has been gone for about 18 months working in that area. I will try to take one day at a time but you need to protect the kids & yourself. There were days that I didn't even wanted to get out of bed but God gave my kids to keep me strong & going. You ,only you know if divorce is the answer, for my case I think I am not ready because I am still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt once he changes location. He has promised no more but I do not believe him, about a week ago he did it last time that I know of but to be honest we have zero money to use for gambling & I am thinking that's is why he hasn't done it. Please have faith in you & your decisions eventhough they are not easy to make, we are mothers and need to protect our family. Pray for strenght & peace of mind it helps to see things more clearly. God Bless.
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Bebita, thank you too for your advice and for sharing what you're going through. I'm sorry that you and your kids are also living through this difficult time. It sounds like you really love your husband and are ready to help him through this; I just hope he is willing to help himself soon. I think sometimes with the CG (at least I know my husband does, because he's told me so), that they think the "big hit" is coming soon and all our problems will disappear and things will be the way they were. It's like they become delusional and almost start living in a fantasy world. I don't know . . .
But it sounds like you may have some things to look forward to, with your new job and your husband's new job being further away from the temptation. Maybe that will help him to stop this destruction. I will keep you (and all the others too) in my prayers each day. I do appreciate your advice in praying to God for strength and peace of mind so that I may see things clearer and be able to make better decisions for me and my girls, and I will pray for the same for you as well. Take care and please check in to let us know how you're doing. You're not alone!!
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