Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

I always think it is wrong to do things behind someone's back including gambling but as someone who does gamble, your concerns are real
and you have to protect the money. I remember
once my husband went and took most of the money out of our account without saying a word and I only knew because I asked him about it when our account was low. I was angry and hurt and although I saw his point in this, It only made the gambling worse. I don't know what to tell you to do because either way you go on this you will have that fear, I honestly understand why you are torn. There is no easy answer to this I guess. You just have to do what you think is right for your family and if you think that he is gambling then by all means protect the money, you are hearing this from a gambler who wants to stop so badly and I
know it is gonna be a rough road, and my husband will be the same way about me and our money when I do stop, I even understand that but if your husband really has intention to really stop then he will understand you fears
and even the lack of trust. I hate not being trusted but I have got to realize he will not trust me maybe never and your husband will see this too, when he can honestly see what this addiction has done to your family. It's hard to see when you are right in it let me tell you
I hope you can make the right choice and too I hope he will make the right choice as all of us will.

Helly my friend, I was just reading your post and Congratulations to you for being able to save such a nice cushion. From another CG, I would protect it at all costs. He will just have to suffer the consequences on his feelings because he, just like the rest of us CGs, has caused it to be this way. He shouldn't expect it to be any other way. Who cares about WWIII. He caused WWII, so there you go! We CGs need to be held accountable, and we need to suffer or we will not learn a lesson from all of this mass destruction that we have imposed on those that we truly love. Hope this has helped and in no intention to hurt anyone's feelings. Just me being truthful. :-)

I think you feed off this car and mouse game with your husband.

I have been following your post for some time.

Thanks for the input....think I have to wait and see and evaluate as the week progresses.

Right now....I am inclined to pay the car payment early (since it's the end of the month and I'm going to be away...doesn't hurt to be ahead.)...but I will probably leave the savings alone. He hasn't done any serious damage in a long while...but I haven't been away for 4 days either.

And RumRunner??? Anyone who thinks it's remotely fun to be the spouse of an active gambler in denial....has simply NO CLUE?

Glad you're so entertained by my saga.

Canterville

Hi Ghost,

Firstly I want to say that my heart goes out to you. I know how devastating and difficult it is to live with a CG. The fear of losing the family's financial security drives one to do things you could never envision yourself doing. You become a person you don't recognize in the face of a spouse's addiction.

No one can make this decision for you. Since you asked, here's my two cents. Make the car payment early and move the 17K to your account. The car payment has to be made, so that's a no-brainer. As for the savings,if he gambles it WWIII will happen anyway, so you might as well protect the money.

I would like more clarification about your husband's gambling habits. Does he have a threshold amount he feels comfortable losing? Not that this truly matters, but $200 - $300 is very different than $17K. The other thing is if you're out of town and he's bored, lonely, angry, whatever, he might just decide to go on a bender. You can't control him, but you can protect the cash.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you came home to find that 17K was now 12K. Are you willing to pay 5K so he might hit bottom? I doubt it. And there's no guarantee that a big loss will be his bottom.

If he's telling you he is not gambling and he's going to the casino, then he's lying to you and doesn't deserve to be trusted with the family's financial security.

Gambling addiction is very difficult because unlike alcoholism, you don't have to use booze in everyday transactions. Most of us use money on a daily basis and expect access to it.

When you put financial restrictions on a spouse it only breeds resentment. I hate the fact that I have to dole out cash in dribs and drabs to my wife. But she cannot be trusted with money. She resents me for treating her like a child. But she cannot be trusted with money. I found that the lesser of two evils is to protect the money we have, regardless of how angry she becomes. Generally, the fight happens anyway; it's just about something different, but the money remains within our household.

I'm so sorry you have to face this issue.

Hey RumRunner -- if you have something substantive to say then by all means join in. Your snippy comments are neither positive nor productive. Living with a compulsive gambler is not a game; it is an excruciatingly painful existence and until you have experienced it first hand I'd ask you to reserve judgement.

I am a compulsive gambler..........and while in Action mode......I 'needed money..
A large sum like you 'typed out is a set up ..
Sets up ''the keen addicted mind..''I know.
Going away.....oh my.. and leaving the gambler access to that amount....heck any amount spells danger.
How would you feel if the entire amount is gone. ??.
Unless you can afford to ''P*ss it away...get it out of 'harms way.
Fear......how come 'fear.....The past tells you , you have a right to be ''wary afraid..
'WW111......put on helmet....lol.
''Boy he sure has you ''fooled by his 'smooth charm...Gosh almost reminds me of Me while I 'was Actively gambling..
'GPs is a trap.. I would think ,, he would be more angry when he finds that out then iffen you removed the K$ amount.
Sometimes the 'none cg can be as devious as the cg.......lol.
Rumrunner to me states a truth.. Cat and Mouse.
Honestly ''the truth is ''the Truth..
Honey .. YOu gamble....no money =no gambling.
I put it out of 'danger. I can't trust YOU.
This is not a Game.
You already know where he was ; but you continue to play the 'game.
I suggest get rid of the GPS.. tracking 'bank accounts is accountability.
GPs is ''sneaky. in my humble opinion.
Being afraid of his anger??. maybe would be more of the Truth I think..
Take money....out.. all of it..
leave home........lol.....no access is a bottom. The 'BUCK STOPS HERE.
Sandra gams5).sorry if that sounds abrasive ; but I am a compulsive 'gambler and the Consequense 'woke me up.. Glad my fellow had courage to be honest with me , even though I hated the Truth.
The Truth is the Bottom. Denial keeps the game going..

"Should I leave it alone...or should I tell him my concerns about him being alone and being tempted...inviting him to be a part of the transfer funds/make car payment early decision?"

Canter, you may have already left on the 3-day trip and returned by now. But I wanted to reply to your post.

An addict will do what s/he wants when s/he wants whether someone is around them or not. Our presence holds no power to keep him or her from doing what they want (oh how I wish that were the case).

Too, concerns for another's feelings are not an issue for a gambler (or any addict for that matter).

The question is what do YOU want to do? How do YOU want to live? You DO have a choice.

If YOU were in your husband's shoes what would you want him to do with the money? What do you feel is the RIGHT thing to do to protect YOU and YOUR family?

As you well know, families and loved ones of addicts are put in a position that no one would chose to be in.

To survive (live in peace and be able to think clearly) and stay alive (to be who YOU are suppose to be and to behave the way YOU were created to live) a plan has got to be layed out by YOU.

With hubby actively gambling he is not of a single mind to assist with a plan that he can consistently carry out. Addicts are not single minded. They say one thing and do another. I know, I was one for many years (I would go along with things just to make it look good until I could swoop in for the steal).

As part of the plan for you, it would be good to try and work the first step of GamAnon:

"We admitted we were powerless over the problem in our family." [We cannot change our family member; our efforts to control our family member to bring about our desired change is futile.]

Something else to make a firm decision about is the money you have now and the money that will come in the future.

There are two clear choices: leave it where it is, take a chance for it to be gambled away, and then be willing to live with the consequences of that. Or, decide to move it to a safe/secure place and live with the consequences of it being kept safe.

I know it is a difficult place to be in.

Knowing how much money your hubby has and where he is will not change your CG (he cannot be shamed into change - he is already in a state of shame).

But you can plan a couple of things that will help YOU to gain control of what you can control - YOU, and, if you chose, your family's finances.

I found a great website many months ago that I found very helpful to me: http://www.problemgambling.ca/EN/R...

I hope you find some nuggets there that will be helpful to you.

One day at a time my friend. xxoo - debs

you are probably home by now....just wanted to add ....
i am a compulsive gambler and i wouldn't even blink over running through several thousand dollars...PROTECT YOURSELF AND TO HELL WITH THE REST....

but i read one posting that caused me to think....the person said you "feed off" this situation with your husband....only you know if there is some truth to that or not, but if you don't really believe that you deserve better treatment from your husband you will end up doing things that will continue to allow him to treat you badly.....that post caused ME TO THINK ABOUT MY OWN RELATIONSHIP and i think i need to thinlk about it much much more......

anyway, my heart really goes out to you as you are on the receiving end of the addiction, have already been through so much....my love to you!
moal

I am a compulsive gambler. I would insist on separating my finances from a compulsive gambler who wouldn't seek recovery or I'd leave the relationship.

He'd get an allowance and I'd take on the financial responsibiities of the household or I'd leave.

He's sick like me. He's choosing to stay sick. Protect yourself until he decides to stop gambling.

I wish my husband would have told me that before I lost tens of thousands... I may have gotten angry but I love him and I wanted to go gamble... I would have taken the allowance and let him be the grown up in a minute.

I truly am sorry you are in this situation. I don't know how you manage it but you deserve a normal life. I hope things get better soon.

Jas

I don't know if I have any advice, but I must comment on what was said about about the cat and mouse game. I reading that comment do I like to figure out what my husband did behind my back, no, did I enjoy feeling rejected by him in all possible ways,no.

However in looking deep into my soul, I think maybe there is something to it. Maybe it makes me feel in some sick way that when I find out all of these lies I am comforted by the fact that when he does it gives me a reason to hate him, instead of loving him and feeling so abandoned by the fact that not only is he a cg, but that he just didn't quit loving me and the kids. I don't know.. this whole thing is so messed up. I just wish it was all over!!


Good luck to you, but to answer what I would do, I would get anything out of his name. Makes it harder to gamble when nobody enables..
lalalulu