Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Divorces come in all shapes and sizes, so to speak. Is there ever a good reason for a divorce? Of course there are, lots and lots of good reasons to get a divorce, and cheating is just one of them. Should non-gamblers divorce their addicted spouses? Gee, I don't know? I'd say it's up to the individual to decide that one. Before I told my husband I was gambling, I was sure he would leave me, because it wasn't the 1st time. But he didn't, and I'm grateful he didn't, because I love him. Despite "cheating" on him, by gambling behind his back, I love him and he loves me. Do I want to continue to test his love by hurting him anymore with my compulsive gambling? NO WAY! Do I want to hurt myself with my compulsive gambling? NO WAY! Do I believe gambling is ever a reason to divorce someone? YES. Do I believe cheating is ever a reason for a divorce? YES. Do I believe abuse is ever a reason for a divorce? YES. It's up to the individuals. But I think I know what your talking about, it seems to me you're asking if a spouse should use gambling as an excuse to get a divorce, when in actuality the spouse wanted a divorce anyway, for some other reason.... and in that situation, I'd have to say that's not fair, but life isn't fair. And we can only be held responsible for our own actions.
A liar is a liar. Would you want to be married to one? Your topic is an excellent one, I hope to read lots of responses, too. Thanks, froggy1234 :) and Bless you...

Sometimes, I think the effects of gambling can be the reason for the divorce. Such as lack of money. Do I think my husband would say he wanted a divorce because of my gambling? No he would want a divorce because of the lack of money. Him going to work, working hard thinking he deserves a vacation, new car, clothes or whatever the case is and be and there not be a pot to pee in so to speak because "I" took the money and gambled it all away. If I only occasionly gambled like a normal person it would never be an issue. He would want a divorce because he would believe in his heart the gambling is more important than him or the kids. I would have never let it get that far. I have tried to stop many many times years before I did. It wasn't until he came and said I am not happy. Never did he say "I am not happy with you because of the gambling." He was not happy because never money in our house for the simplist things. Home repairs, bills, food, hell many times I even gambling the gas money for our cars. Cause I am going to hit it big and then there will be money for ALL those things and even some left over, YA RIGHT. That over time wore on him. He was tired of living this way and you know what? He had every right to feel that way. So maybe its not the gambling itself but the lack of respect, the feeling of comfort having a little money in the bank, the bills paid on time etc which is the EFFECTS of the gambling. To me looking back...if its hurting your relationship and the gambler continues to do it maybe the gambler needs to take a step back and get a different perspective. Maybe counseling? Not only for just the gambler in the relationship but as a couple. Are there other reasons for divorce? Yes many, but in a divorce not to often does one person say its for nothing, there always a reason to one them. Petty to the other? Ya maybe, but I think when someone says this bothers me in a marriage? Work on it before it becomes a larger issue know matter what that be, gambling or anything else.

WOW!! Now that is a tough question. That, I would think would be a case by case issue. I think that's where you look into the underlying reasons for gambling in the first case. I actually looked at it at one point as an excuse for me to escape reality and continue to keep gambling. It could make me LOOK like the good guy for wanting to save my family when it was really just a copout for myself. I think if the relationship was solid and gambling came in and caused mass destruction, especially taking from the children I would have to understand that the non-gambler would have to look out for his family. I still can't get over the question( It was Great) I anxious to hear opinions also. Thanks for bringing that up!!

[Beware, this question is being answered with blunt frankness (my divorce became final 1 month and 6 days ago). I love my husband (now ex). I pray for him. We share custody of our son. We have spoken on the phone, and in person... we are civil to one another. I understand something bigger than him has him shackled. He, I believes, knows I did what I had to do for me, for our son... past separations did not work. Last resort to gain sanity, freedom, and life for me and my son, was divorce. Also, I am now out of husband's way and I no longer enable him.

I hope no one is offended by my response. I love you guys... I have received more help from this site than anyone will ever know.]

Dear husband, you are a gambler... therefore I want a divorce. No, it is not quite like that.

Because in the last 10 years you have become a compulsive gambler and are now addicted and will not admit it you...

1. lie all of the time (even when you do not have to).

2. you cheat

3. you have no desire to be home with your family

4. you've depleted all of our savings. You've made it where we will be in debt for years to come.

5. you have been taking credit out in my name for years illegally and then blaming me and becoming agrumentative/combative even when I ask for money to cover the bills

6. you start arguments so you can justify going and gambling more

7. you say you are going to a movie and come home 9 to 10 hours later

8. you will not pick up your phone when I call you

9. you do not want to go out and eat with your family, or go to a movie, or go to a park... you want to do nothing with your family

10. you do not buy presents anymore at holiday times for your family. The times you do is when it was from money you stole from me by taking credit out in my name

11. you refuse to repair things in the home that we own. You'd rather spend the money and your time on online poker.

12. you start things and don't finish them because you have to get back to your laptop to play online poker

13. you lock yourself in your room for hours on end playing online poker

14. you are now paranoid thinking everyone is against you, conspiring to take money from you, to take your house from you

15. you accuse your wife and your disabled child of hiding things from you, when you've simply forgotten where you've put them

16. you are vicious to your wife calling her horrible names in front of your child, so she will leave the room and you can continue to play poker and watch poker on TV

17. your child and your wife are horribly impacted by your behavior... both suffering from anxiety/stress/anticipatory behavors brought on by your behavior

18. you refuse to admit you have a problem with gambling - but you have no money, you drive your mom's car because your truck needs to be repared, you have no money for gasoline, you take money from your son's piggy bank for gas money.

19. you say you are not gambling, you are playing cards, that there is a skill to it.

20. your self employed business has suffered, because you take material money and play poker with the money and then hock things to make buy materials so you can start the job, then you don't finish the job or do a half-well job. Your customers do not call you back and do not recommend you anymore. You blame the customer.

21. You do not want the support of your wife of 16+ years who has ignored the credit card thefts, ensured the mortgage was paid. You just tell her to shut her f'ing mouth and leave you the h*ll alone and actually tell her go to her room

22. When you traveled with me to hotels on business when I was a meeting planner, you'd sneak out in the middle of the night of our hotel room to drive to the closest casino to play poker and then sneak back in in the wee hours of the morning thinking I would not know, and when I did know you didn't even care.

23. You abused your wife and child mentally and emotionally for years because of your selfish, self-centered, fantasy life.

Gambling in itself was not the prolem.

It is all of the things that came when you gave your life over to becoming a Compulsive Gambler that caused the destruction of a marriage.

Nothing said, done, supported, or ignored changed you. Appointments made to go talk with someone about your problem were never kept.

You made a choice to stay with the cards (now the cards have you). You'll have to be the one to make the choice to leave them. They will NOT leave you alone.

For me, the spouse, to save sanity, protect myself, our son, my future finanical sitaution to ensure I will have a home and will be able to take care of our son, I also had a choice... and that choice was to divorce a gambler.

Not because he gambled... but because he left his family for gambling.

Please do not be mad at me for my listing my thoughts and my experiences over the past 10 years.

debs

I agree with all the things others have written. Unless we are using our own money that is not needed for anything else by the household, and unless we are using time that is not taken from the time spent with the family, gambling is impacting our spouses and children.

Most people who come to this site do so because their lives are being ruined by gambling. If we are married, we are also ruining our spouse's life.

I completely believe compulsive gambling is a valid reason for divorce. The loss of trust of the spouse of the gambler alone is enough...and who wants to be married to someone who you have to protect yourself from financially?

Being the spouse of a compulsive gambler is a miserable place to be....and a place many people will not choose to remain.

I'm a compulsive gambler......any woman who would remain in a relationship with me, when I am gambling, is a fool.
I'm also an alcoholic. Any woman who would remain in a relationship with me, while I am drinking, is a fool.
I'm also a drug addict. Any woman who would remain in a relationship with me, while I am using, is a fool.

Yes, I am all of these things....... And so long as I am involved in the active pursuit of the addiction, I am NOT a suitable candidate for a healthy romantic relationship.
I am powerless over my addiction. I cannot control it, it controls me....... and it also controls my actions, my thoughts, my words, my emotions. My only defence is to not feed the addiction. If I do this, if I remain clean, sober, and gamble free, then I have a chance......then, perhaps, I can find a way to live a decent life and be a suitable partner for another person.
But not if I'm active in my addiction........ not a chance.

I am not offended by anyone's thoughts, opinions or wisdom, I loved the entire list, so sad but true, as most people know. I think it is a shame when the gambling does all this to a person, but it does and we don't even realize it, before we get in so deep. But I hear so many people say how they got divorced because the other spouse had a gambling problem, and then there is always another story which when all is said and done it was not because they gambled, it was for someone else, that's what I meant by using the addiction against them. I thought ya know if someone had an illness and wasn't able to be as they use to be, or do the things they use to do, most people would not walk away from them, unless they were abusive or just plain mean. I have heard stories of men who were alcholics and the women who loved them and they just can't love them enough and that is a horrible fact of life in any of this. Gambling is no different I guess. Addiction is a horrible thing , we all know that, but sometimes spouses don't honestly understand and I don't know how understanding I would be if it were reversed, probably not very !

Martyrdom equals martyr dumb!!

hmm - this is an interesting argument.
A a compulsive Gambler in recovery here is my humble response.
Is gambling reason for divorce?
As an active gambler I was a liar,
As an active gambler I stole time and money from my family
As an active gambler I was virtually insane.
As an active gambler I was not loving my husband with my actions.
I had a secret - A lie I kept from him until one day I stopped lying and stopped gambling. If I hadn't would we be divorced? He would be a fool not to. Things would not improve - only get worse.
This doesn't mean that in a gamblers marriage there are not other factors that could be going wrong, of course there are. Everything is made worse though through gambling - if you get rid of the problem so many things revolve around it.
When I gambled I blamed everyone but myself for my actions. I didn't take ownership or accountability - that too has changed.
I am a CG- I am happily married but I am NOT gambling.

One thing I did not say last night's post...

I really loved my husband. I still love him as a person. I do not believe I would ever want to remarry him at this point in life.

While we were married and his was in the throws of gambling, I never once thought about another man, nor desired a relationship with another man.

I just wanted the man whose eyes I looked into 16+ years ago and said "I do," to come back and be my friend, and we live togehter supporting one another and be companions for the years ahead.

But, life goes on. I hope he he lays it down.

But for now, I have got to focus on solutions for me and Jordan and I have to figure out how to LIVE again.

Trying to find my place here at 50+ years old. I know it will come. It will just take time. (one day at a time)

Luv and hugs to all. debs