Foster Care Support Group

First, it is normal that a two year-old wouldn't be ready to potty train. My daughter waited until she was almost four.

Second, if you don't have this book yet, get it: The Everything Parent's Guide to positive Discipline: Professional Advice for Raising a Well-Behaved Child, by Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.

It doesn't give any die-hard answers, but it has always helped us. Actually, just thinking about it makes me want to skim through it again.

I'm not so worried about the potty training. Just do positive reinforcement and give lots of praise for the 3 year old when they use the bathroom.

It is really hard to teach kids boundaries when they've had none and you have no idea what the bio parents did for discipline. We usually use time-outs, extra chores, taking away toys...but our kids are 7 and 11 and we've had them for 9 months.

Positive reinforcement with lots of praise for the good things, even if they're small - like putting a lid down or asking to help clean up - is a great place to start.

As far as the kids acting odd after visits, they are confused and don't know how to feel so acting out is their way of trying to express themselves when they don't have the words to voice their feelings. They might not even know they feel just that they're upset and something isn't right.

If they are agitated during visits and it seems like they don't want to "visit" then that could be a sign that they are afraid of something. If its just after visits then, YES, acting weird / off is normal. It is a very stressful situation and kids are just not sure of how to manage their stress or express it.

Hang in there and never lose hope. You're right! No matter how bad it is for you, the kids are the ones that have it so much worse.

You can do it! Break the cycle!

I wouldn't even attempt potty training yet. Even a child in a stable home without any trauma or disruptions of where they live and who there caregivers are might not yet be interested or ready at their ages. I would also document the behavior in a notebook and share that with your caseworker. My son was a biter when he was a baby and nothing we did worked. He seemed to just outgrow it. You just have to watch that one alot closer so he doesn't take a chunk out of another kid!!

Hello -

I admire you for taking in 3 kids (2 with other challenges).

I am a teacher of the Deaf/ HH as well as a foster parent to 1 Deaf young lady and a DeafBlind young man.

If you can, get an ABR (hearing test for kids who may be difficult to test) as soon as possible! When children do not have language, they often communicate through behavior.

If you suspect Autism (or Deafness), you can ask the case worker to contact your school district so they can conduct a special education evaluation. In the meantime, you could look on line for simple signs (their are many sign language video dictionaries on line). Signs like eat, diaper, bathroom, drink, play, mom, hungry, thirsty, etc can reduce frustration for all kids (not just Deaf, hard-of-hearing, or children with Autism). Another thing you can do right away is print pictures of places you go, food you eat, common routine activities, and things you do. You can have the pictures placed on the refrigerator to make a schedule (I.e. Eat, bath, clothes, Target, doctor, lunch, park, TV, play, dinner, books, bedtime). Remove the picture after each "event." Pictures allow the child to predict the day and it reduces frustration and anxiety. The child can even use the pictures to "ask" you for things...............

I wish you the best of luck.

K

OOPS......"their" should be "there". :)

At this stage some of what you are seeing,Even the apparent deafness may be symptoms of neglect.Children often catch up in time when given the proper attention.My mom told me that they had me checked for being deaf when I was little because I wouldn't pay attention to them when they spoke to me. I'm OK now, but then that"s just my own opinion !

K - I feel your struggles so much. We have a son who is 2 and was adopted at birth and we first got our 3 foster-to-adopt daughters (ages 4,2,1) last April and have had them on and off since that time and they officially came to us in August. They have lots of behavior issues: biting, hitting, slapping, yelling, severe tantrums, etc. and the middle girl who is almost 3 has absolutely no interest in potty training. We are finding that spending one-on-one time with each of the 4 kids is key... we see a lot less of their behaviors and they seem much more receptive to our redirection when we spend that special time with each of them. We have found that spending time together as a couple and having others watch our kids every once in awhile helps us be able to manage their behaviors better and find time for my husband & I to regroup and figure out how best to deal with the behaviors we see... Hope this helps! It's a rough road for all of us, but we know even on the hardest of days, it's gonna be worth it! :)

Wow, it's like reading my own story! :) My husband and I have two boys, ages 1 and 3, looking forward to adoption as the dept. works on termination. The 3-year-old (almost 4) is finally getting the hang of the potty, but has plenty of behavioral issues of his own: biting, pinching, biting, hitting, more biting, kicking the cat and pulling the cat's tail, more biting...and now the 18-month-old is picking up on some of his brother's behaviors and starting to bite as well. It's strange, too, that sometimes the behavior seems to come out of nowhere - he is fine, and then he is getting some kind of sinister pleasure out of kicking the cat, or grabbing his brother's face. Timeouts don't seem that effective, and removal of privileges are pointless, as he doesn't seem to be able to link together cause and effect very well.

One thing that has helped some has been giving him frozen teething toys. Even though he is not teething, I think he does have some sensory deficiencies and that contributes sometimes to his biting. If he has some kind of sensory input, he seems a little less prone to chomping down on another person or a pet. Also, when he gets a little too wild and disregulated, grabbing him into a big "bear hug" (enough so that he can't really move at all) and keeping him there until he has calmed down (be warned: this generally takes a LOT longer than a typical "time-out") has helped (for more information on sensory disorders and little techniques to help calm disregulated kids down, see Karyn Purvis's videos on the subject).

Good luck - and blessings on your journey!