Foster Care Support Group

Take her shopping have a bonding day. Most teenage girls love to shop. Does she have her license yet? Maybe a vacation with the family will help her bond. Ask her where she would like to travel to. Also is she considering college maybe ask her about future plans than go visit a few of her potential choices.

We don't have much money, so shopping is usually out -- although this was one reason we had a shopping spree the day after she arrived. (The other, main reason, was that she arrived with the clothes on her back and not much else. Grr.) We do make a clothes run once a month, but since her budget is $50, it usually is only a long trip because we live far away from the shopping centers.

We haven't decided on the license yet (once again, the money issue) but we are trying to get her a permit. That should be decided at next month's dependency hearing, but the mom could shoot it down. We're hoping that it will go through. Along with the potential bonding involved, it is a crucial life skill.

We are trying to get a couple of camping trips in this summer, and one of her friends is getting married and wants her to be a bridesmaid. This would be an out-of-state trip, though, so along with money we have to get a court order again. Plus, the bride hasn't actually contacted us yet.

She is talking about college, but so far, just the community colleges nearby.

It's gonna take WAY longer than several months...

We've had a 7 and 11 year olds for over 9 months now and the 11 year old STILL isn't "bonding with us" even though we are their longest placement. They came to us last Sept and we were their 4th or 5th home since April...so like every 4 - 6 weeks, it was "bye bye." No one could handle them.

We've just had to let him (the 11 year old) do things in his own way and time. And we were not forcing bonding. It's something that you can't force.

Also, if the girl is planning on emancipating herself from foster care when she turns 18, then she has no reason to "get close." So in her mind, it's more like, "why bother?!"

College should be mostly free. Once a child is in foster care for 6 consecutive months after the age of 14, their college is paid for - or at least most of it...in Georgia anyway, but I think it's a federal grant so it may apply to y'all. The driver's license is another issue. In our state, kids can NOT get even so much as a permit unless they are 18 while in foster care.

Just find something she likes to do and do that with her and don't try to "pry" into her to force a bonding. Whether it's looking at the stars, making leaf shadings (put a leaf under paper and use a crayon to shade over it)...drawing, reading, blogging...something!

Good luck and hang in there.

Thanks for the feedback. We have done two things that seem to help.

1) At dinner, everybody plays the Three Things I Did Today game. That way we get to hear a bit about her day without having to grill her. Our bio-daughter loves it too, which is a definite plus.

2) We insisted that during the summer she had to have at least some social time at home during the day, but when that was could be up to her. Since we implemented that rule it hasn't seemed so much like she's using us as a hotel. She did do some token grumbling about it, but otherwise doesn't seem to mind.

At a camp I went to we did a similar game called roses and thorns. One good thing about your day and bad thing. There's always the game 20 questions too lots of fun. Community college might be best thing for her some high schools even offer full rides there. Plus with a two year degree she could get a job in her field quicker does she know what she wants to study? I did post secondary my senior year of high school and the hs paid for all of the college classes i took while still in hs.

Our local community college does give full-ride scholarships, but you have to be enrolled in the program when you hit 8th grade, so she doesn't qualify. In our state, however, foster youth are granted a certain amount of post-secondary money if they go to in-state schools. This is not enough to pay for everything if they go to a four-year institution, but it is for JCs and most vocational schools.

She wants to be a nurse and one of our local community colleges has a decent program for that. I just want her to know what ALL of her options are before settling for the easiest.

One thing that we had her do this week was to send off for 10 college brochures. They could be JC or out-of-state, but at least a couple had to be from the in-state 4-year universities. Even if she still goes to the JC she is eying, getting those brochures will hopefully keep her focused on her goal.

I am a former foster kid. I believe what one of the post said about her just buying her time until she is 18 and will get on with her life without a parent.
We don't trust many adults because whether they were a foster parent or real parent they often ended up crapping out on us. Even after I was in a stable environment with the lady who ended up adopting me, I kept a backpack full of items I would need it I decided to run away hidden in my closet.
The worst thing for me was when a mom would fake smile and attitude me into wanting me to like her trying to be my best friend. Well the truth was it took time to trust someone. I don't mean to be negative but those were the facts when I was in foster care.
I commend you on opening your home to this child. It sounds like you are good parents who really care. Even if she doesn't come around 100 percent, the fact you are open with her and showing her you care will stay with her for a long time to come. Also if she continues to be 'ok' living in your home encourage her to stay by offering her a home and a family to be a part of if she wants. Just always remember you are a parent and not best pal.

BTW my older brother aged out of the foster system and found the structure he needed in the military. Try and encourage her to find some structure in her life after high school. Whether it's the military or community college or a four year school get her to continue with her learning.

Nikki, thanks for the feedback. I'm pretty sure I don't do the fake smile stuff, but I do need to keep reminding myself that C has only been in the family for four months. We are trying to walk that find line between too much leniency and too much structure right now, because she hasn't had any before us, even without taking the abuse into account.

Most of the time I think we're doing it right, but last night and today have been rough. I just have to keep reminding myself to be patient and to try to put myself in her shoes, while also insisting that she follow the basic family rules or deal with the consequences.

Also, was there anything that did help you bond with your foster/adoptive family?

I'm new to this site and found it on a whim but I'm an adult former foster kid and I wanted to reply.

You ask about ways to bond with your the girl in your care. Bonding is tricky when it comes to kids/people like her. Especially since she's older, almost an adult. She knows that some people are just "around" to take care of her. She knows that many of the people she meets (and has met) she'll never see again. That would make anyone reluctant to form a bond.

I suggest you let her know that whatever happens (whether she stays with you a long time, whether you maintain a relationship after she leaves, whether she feels about you what you feel about her) you let her know that you are on her side, that you care, that you are there, that you can be trusted and you will help. And say those things in those words, be specific. "Maybe you have a hard time trusting people but I want you to know that you can trust me, that I will always support you."

Sometimes, hearing the same thing over and over and over again makes it seem more real, makes it true.

Spending time with her will obviously open up the trust, but don't be afraid to say while driving in the car or just doing the dishes "you know, I think you are a very strong young woman and I will always be here to help you or support you if you need it." And keep saying it until she believes it.

My humble advice.