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Adopted through Foster Care..Nightmare
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Ok.. so my 6 year old son starts his counseling Thursday..I really want it to help him, but do I think it will, honestly, no. Hes so used to his way of living, set in his ways. Hes getting older, bigger and stronger. One day, we will not be able to control him at all. That is the day I fear.
All these doctors say is, "Therapy and love is what a child like this needs". Bullshit people, YOU are not raising this child, I am and I see his actions and live with his actions every single day. NOT YOU! I wish all that was wrong with him was just something a little counseling and time outs would cure, but this little boy does not respond to anything emotionally. He has a constant blank stare on his face and nothing seems to affect him. He has obsessive behavior towards me, its like he doesnt see me as his mother, but as his property. Dont get me wrong I love getting hugs and kisses from my children, but when someone stands there and continuously kisses my shoulder about 100 times in a minute, that is unnerving. I look at my son often and I try to see inside him. But there is no way of doing this because he is blank. I am scared to death for myself and my family for what he is going to become in a few years time. I love him, I love all 3 of these children. But my husband and I got a really bum deal here. We really wanted the children we adopted.. and wanted to provide a stable loving home and spoil them and give them everything they never had before, what we ended up with was children that caused us health problems, marital problems, financial problems and so forth and there's much more yet to come as they get older. I lay awake at night and think of what can I do to help these kids, obviously loving them isnt going to solve anything, taking them to therapists isnt helping especially when they are so darn good at lying and manipulating people so much so that after a counseling session with them, the therapist looks at me as though I am the problem. My 12 year old daughter is the master manipulator. She seems to know all the right things to say and do and all the cute little faces and talks in that baby voice, yeah shes got it down. I call her "the pro". I get mad at myself because I think that I brought this misery into my life and the lives of people I love, because I wanted children so badly that I didnt consider the fact that adopting through the foster care system may come back to haunt me one day. There were signs there in the beginning, now that my head is wide open and clear to look back at them. My son was 4 when we got him, and he used to throw tantrums if he didnt get his way, to the point of self harm. He would punch himself in the face and head and pinch his ears till they bruised. Scream and yell..But I thought my goodness hes just a baby, hes only 4, once I show him he is loved and safe here with us, he will be just fine. Cause that was what I thought was the issue here, that this poor little guy just had not been loved enough. Boy was I wrong. My desire to become a mother blinded me. My 12 year old daughter then 10 years old one day after just having her in our home for 2 short months, walked up to me and slapped me across my face, and I am not talking about a little playful slap, I am talking about a full blown arm drawn way back full swing pow wow on my cheek that made my ears ring for 10 minutes.Even then, I thought aww these kids just need love, love will do it, it will fix them. Again, WRONG. Everyday of my life for the past 2 years have been very eventful to say the least. I wish I could say in a good way. My 12 year old (the master manipulator) has played my husband and I against each other and has caused a lot of grief in our marriage. One day she will stick to me like glue, but end up getting in trouble at some point and when I have to scold her she will then run to my husband and tell him that she wants to be a "daddys girl"...But then back to me when he has to correct her. And for some reason, she will not act up in front of my parents. She is on her best behavior around them. She puts on this cute little girl act around them. Very very manipulative. We need help so badly. We are doing the therapy thing, but the kids are just manipulating them so its not working at all. I have gotten so depressed dealing with this stuff and trying my best to stay strong, but now I have checked myself into some therapy to deal with the issues I now have since bringing these kids into my life... Some may say I sound like a monster and some may think I am the problem, not the kids..and I have even heard those say "How dare you take on poor little innocent children that need a home and that have been tossed around all their lives just to abandon them yourself." Believe me I have heard this said before. Let me answer that question for you...These children did have a rough start, they did not ask for that life and they did not deserve it either..But neither did I. I did not cause their pain and suffering, I did not ask for my physical and mental health to be challenged because I just wanted to love a child. And until YOU walk a mile in my shoes, dont ever think you know anything about my life and what I am going through. Posted on 08/09/11, 01:15 pm |
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I am so sorry about all this.. we to had foster kids but bad me I gave up after 2.5 months. I could not STAND the temper tantrums from my 6 yr old.. he had a 2 yr old brother who he was so jealous of it was miserable. I can agree the "therapy" and "couseling" he received was not changing it. I just cannot understand when we give these kids a good loving home why they are SOO mean to us.. espe after so long for you.. all I can say is hang in there.. and your doing a great job. Are you in the process of adopting them? We were going to start with our kids but I could not honestly say that I loved them. 
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oops I see youve adopted them. I think its a good idea your in therapy too, do you feel like it helps?
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My therapy doesn't start for a few more weeks, The end of the month is the soonest they can get me in. I hope it helps..This is a terrible situation.
I want to say upfront that I am not against adoption nor am I against adopting through foster care. I am just sharing with everyone, my experience. Be careful of what you do, demand that the children you are fostering to adopt are evaluated by a psychiatrist for a few months before you officially decide to adopt them. Pay attention to warning signs, yes they are children and yes they deserve to be loved and in a good family, but if they are irreparably damaged then there most likely isn't going to be any amount of love and hugs that you can give these kids that is going to "fix" them. Think of your family especially if you have your own kids. Think of the strain it will put on your marriage, your health your finances of having to do what the state refuses to pay for. Unfortunately not all these kids in foster care can be saved. Some can, some families hit the "jackpot" as far as getting a great kid, but a lot of people like myself and my family are struggling every single day to deal with troubled kids, kids that are professional manipulators. Some of them, like my 12 year old daughter have been in the system since they were very young and they grew up learning what they can and cannot get away with and how to work people..They take these skills with them as they grow up..We are facing severe issues with my 12 year old as she gets older. And my son, boy are we in for it...We see a lifetime of being in court over him breaking in to peoples things and stealing and drugs and you name it.....But most of all I fear for the safety of myself and my family. I believe that one day this child is going to hurt or kill one or all of us......Think about it please...and learn everything about the kid/kids you are considering adopting, because once you adopt, they are yours......
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what would you say the warning signs are?
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Basically anything that is unusual. Like all kids have tantrums, but when they are sitting there punching themselves in the face and screaming to the point of turning purple..and cussing...and sneaking into others rooms at night...being sexual...pooping and peeing their pants constantly when they are fully aware of going to the bathroom, the list goes on and on...Basically always trust your senses. If something does not seem "normal" then most likely it needs checked out. And if you cannot get any answers from the "professionals" then use your own judgement, but be careful, dont do like I did and think that all the hugs and love in the world is going to change this behavior, I am living proof that it will not.
I used to tell my self all the time that these kids have had a bad life, they are hurting, they will grow out of it when they see they are now in a loving home with stability and a mommy and daddy that wont ever hurt them and will spoil them rotten...It only got worse for us. We have had this sibling group for 2 years this October, and the symptoms were there, just not all that bad in the first 6 months...but boy by the end of the first year WOW. And my husband and I were foolish enough to continue thinking that they would be fine, so we went ahead and adopted them...Now, here we sit with our health damaged, our marriage damaged, family that tell us "I wouldnt have kids like that, that do me that way when I am trying to give them a loving home", so we dont have a lot of visits from family because of the kids behaviors, and I get the feeling that they dont want us coming around them with the kids either...Which I have to say I really dont blame them... We feel like we have no control at all. My 12 year old daughter..wow...is all I can say. My 6 year old son, that kid is beyond repair. The 3 year old little girl, shes mostly normal right now...but does show signs of a mix of the other 2. Because she sees it, shes living around it... All I am saying is be damn careful when you are considering adoption of foster care kids. Some cases work out beautifully but a lot of cases are like mine. Look into every thing and I mean every thing. If they start showing signs of mental issues before the adoption, you better make sure they are diagnosed properly and treated BEFORE you commit. You will be sorry if you dont....
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Ok, I know this is going to sound awful, but I notice that you are saying alot how you thought spoiling these kids and hugs and kisses could change their behavior. Sounds like these kids need some tough love. I have learned the hard way that spoiling foster children does little more than create monsters (I have a 4 year old that was so sweet when I got her, but has since grown the attitude of a 17 year old). You may not agree with this, but the 6 year old might could do with a good spanking. The 12 year old this probably wouldn't work with (and you run the risk of her turning it around on you somehow). I know that my sister-in-law exhibited some of this behavior the 12 year old is exhibiting...sometimes a stay in the local youth detention center is warranted to get them to realize how good they have it. This of course is extreme, but it fixed my sister-in-law...of course, she wasn't a foster child to begin with, so who knows. Good luck with this situation - I know it isn't easy. Sometimes church and prayer help too...
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Oh no Sheri I don think you sound one bit harsh...I agree with you. We have done the tough love thing...When I say I spoiled them and so forth, that was all in the beginning. That was when I was still new to the situation. I felt that they just needed all the love they could get...BUT as the months went on and I seen that these kids were just out of control and getting worse by the second that is when tough love kicked in...
As for my 6 year old needing a good spanking...I agree with you..BUT we have spanked him, didnt work, you know how most kids would cry after having their butts swatted? Not him, just stands there and stares at you like "Is that all you got?" Plus, these educated idiots that we call therapists say oh no dont swat him or spank him, because hes too old it wont work anyway, and youre just promoting violence in the home....And again makes it appear as though it is US that has the problem, not the kids.... As for my 12 year old, I just called our local prosecutor and he told me that she can definitely be sent there if she doesnt change her ways, and I warned her of this. That I will most definitely file an incorrigibility on her if she dont make some changes soon. But she could care less...I am telling you it is like these kids have no soul...and honestly I am tired of people telling me "Oh its because they were abused" I get that..ok I get that, but you know what they know they are in good hands now, hell its not like we have only had these kids for 2 months we have had them for 2 years!!! They know how good they have it now!! The truth of the matter is unfortunately, we are one of the thousands of people that adopted through foster care and ended up with bad seeds....plain and simple.
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Hi, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I've had experience with kids so damaged that care and love and good intentions just don't help after all the trauma. I wish I had an answer. Our kids were mostly ok until they became teenagers and then all hell broke loose. It was a nightmare! Now they are grown, some are parents themselves trying to provide a stable life for their children. Some never overcame the damage and are marginal adults.
In my experience, people think that foster children are orphans and of course, grateful. Generally, it is neither. It takes a lot for these kids to appreciate what you are doing for them. It doesn't register, I guess. Good things are outside of their experience. I've been trying to figure this out myself. I think when kids become survivors, something changes inside them. They MUST take care of themselves however they can, since they can not depend on their parents to do. It becomes a matter of physical and/or emotional life or death. I know that sounds dramatic, but I do think they see it that way, consciously or unconsciously depending on their ages and ability. I think it takes a long long long time and change comes in really small pieces. Being an adoptive parent takes a tremendous amount of courage and it is hard not to become dis-couraged sometimes. But adding to or saving a child's life is an amazing gift to give-particuarly when it is not given back. This is a path that has heart-try not to give up. Take good care of yourself, too.
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thoughts and prayers are with you.. I completely understand your mental exhaustion. i recently began caring for a 2 year old with plans to adopt and she came with the skills of manipulation. Hard to believe at such a young age..but she had to learn something to survive this long. I was also asked to take the 5 year old brother just last week and who from what I understand likes to do dangerous things.. I am thankful for reading your post.. because now I know.. I cannot handle it..nor will i put his sister in harms way. I am not related.. not am I a paid foster parent.. I am merely a person that stepped up to the plate when no one else would.
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you are wonderful for what you are doing, so God bless you. But you are smart to think first. If they told you that little boy likes to do dangerous things, it would be a travesty for you to bring him into your home. Dont do it. Alwaya pay attention to warning signs and never EVER think that if you love them enough, hug them enough and make them feel all safe and cozy that they will change and become "normal" again, YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!! God only knows what those kids have been through. Some of them have been through such bad things that their little minds are shot to hell. Irreparable damage. Its sad but its a fact.
I love kids, I have always loved kids, always wanted a big family. Then I couldnt carry a baby, and that shot that so I went into foster care because I am not one of these rich people that can afford to go to a private agency and buy a baby for 100,000 dollars...and I figured why do that anyway when there are kids who need me out there in this world...So foster care it was...Now dont get me wrong, not all cass of foster kids are bad, if you are reallllllly lucky you can get a good one...My 3 year old that ca,e with the other two is basically normal, has some slight issues, but for the most part is normal..but if you are unlucky enough to get one of the kids with irreparable damaged lives then you have a life time of nothing but stress..stress in every aspect of your life. Trust me, I am living it right this very moment... And therapy LMFAO!!!!!!! Yeah right, thats just something people suggest that you do that cant think of anything else to tell you. Therapy for kids that manipulate does nothing at all for them. My kids tell this therapist everything he wants to hear, and they know when to put on a good show...I sit back and watch it, every week...I watch them smile and act as though they are these wonderful little children, then as soon as they leave BAM back to nuthouse city. But now I record every single fit they throw, because I want proof so that no one can look at me like Im a liar...Everything gets recorded...Good luck to you...
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