Food Addiction Support Group

sorry i know this is long, i tried to keep it as brief as possible but here goes..........

i was a gymnast for 10 years until a couple of years ago(i quit because i was suffering from depression). for years, probably about 4-5 years, i have been an abnormal eater and i would constantly overeat---emotional eating was a big issue of mine. i would eat until i was stuffed or feeling sick and then maybe 20 minutes later i would be heading to the kitchen again. i used to eat mainly museli bars and apples(about 8-12 a day, because i hated drinking water and i was so dehydrated). despite this diet, i was still very small, muscly and had very little fat on me. i always really hated my stomach though. i thought that it was fat--ha, i don't know how!

i have always felt very very ashamed and embarrassed of the way that i ate, especially during the earlier years of the binge-eating. i had no idea it was even a disorder. i would always need to eat, constantly. i wondered and a lot of the time cried because i would try to think of how in the world i was like this. after eating dinner, i would head straight back to the kitchen and eat slowly for the next hour or something until i couldn't eat anymore. when i thought about school and gymnastics the next day(i hated going to school and gym), i would eat more and almost like try to 'stock up' on food happiness. when i had to go out somewhere, i would moan and not want to go because i would not be able to be at home to eat and i would be taken away from my food. i would then be wishing i was home again so that i could eat even though i wouldn't even be hungry. i was always wanting to be hungry so that i could eat. the only time i would be hungry is when i woke up in the morning and even then i would feel so boated form yesterday's binge.

no-one else understands. my family didn't see binge-eating disorder, they only saw that it was strange that the box of museli bars and draw of apples disappeared so fast. i am actually teary-eyed right now writing this.........

i started not eating at school because i had gotten food poisoning one day at the start of high school and threw up in the library. now i feel uncomfortable having very much food in my stomach when around people

after quiting gymnastics, i gained weight as this eating continued and in a year, i was still a healthy weight(i have always been a healthy weight), but i felt absolutely disgusted with myself that i had rolls when i sat down and i felt squishy all over. i should have been fine with my body but i had no idea what a healthy body looked like as i had been solid muscle for most of my life. it was a huge change for me. i first started to restrict when i got the flu and it lasted a few days before i binged and started eating again. i went through most of 2008 with binging and starving cycles. i started making myself throw up about mid year, but i only did it occasionally(i wasn't very 'successful' at it). through this time i wanted to lose weight from the stomach, then my legs as well, then my hips as well........until i hated everything about my body and in around august, i starved myself for what ended up to be 2 1/2 months, to lose 15 % of my body weight. i told my mum because i was scared that i wasn't going to be able to eat again after denying myself more calories than i had been eating. i went to the doctor and got referred to a therapist. that was the weekend before school exams. oh hell, what great timing(i passed the year though). i started binging again, buying bags of binge food at a time and bringing it home to hide most of it in my room. i ate and threw up(still not very successfully) in the mornings before my afternoon exams, had a nap, ate nothing until after the exam and then when i got home, started binging again. i have gained all of the weight back and i am the same weight as i started.

now i eat nothing at school, come home to binge and that is pretty much everyday, unless i decide that i am going to restrict--resulting in more binging later. i make myself throw up days or weeks at a time then not do it for weeks. i feel so stuck. i don't know what to do. every time i try to distract myself, i just feel so uncomfortable not eating. when i make myself eat normally for days, i can't stand it and feel like i am starving, so i binge. i have pushed friends away because all i feel like doing is being alone to eat in my room. i feel so uncomfortable when i go out anywhere it's unbearable. i don't know what to do. i am losing hope............
Posted on 04/25/09, 08:04 pm