What is Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia (FM or FMS or Fibro) is a debilitating chronic syndrome (constellation of signs and symptoms) characterized by diffuse or specific muscle, joint, or bone pain, fatigue...
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Ok so I feel like a big idiot even posting this because I think I already know the answer. You all know I have fibromyalgia, and I am STILL struggling with it daily. So I heard my (ex) husband needed help. He landed himself in jail and at first I offered him a place to stay when he gets out. I sent him a whole bunch of stuff on narcotics anonymous (they saved my life)...and things about how to get him SSI for his emotional problems.
I kinda felt excited at first about the possible change in my life that may be for the better. But I received a letter from him yesterday that just stopped me in my tracks. We both understand that we have to get a divorce for many reasons. However, I did not know that he sent me the papers...he just kept asking me to sign when I get them...but never mentioned they actually went out. He accused me of ripping them up, and that his lawyer has more copies. Then he wants me to send him money for items in jail (which I already do) AND pay for stuff that he had in pawn. He used to pawn a gold chain and a ring for extra cash to drink. I have a HUGE heart, and that often leads me to be nieve sometimes. I really try to see the best in everyone, knowing that everyone has the ability to make something of themselves etc. But after I got that letter I felt "different"...I can't exactly put a finger on it. But I don't want to just change my mind over night. He doesn't have a place to go when he gets out...a lot of places do not want to take him because of his emotional disturbance. With this said, am I strong enough mentally and physically to take care of someone else? It's hard taking care of myself most of the time lol. I'm just afraid if I take on his crap, then I am going to get sicker. I did write him a letter yesterday giving him the name of some halfway houses, and I contacted his old lawyer. Thats when I was told that most of those places wont take him because of his history. Is this my problem?? I dunno *sigh* Posted on 10/03/09, 11:10 am |
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Autum, it sounds like your ex wants his cake and eat it too! I would think its alot for anyone to handle, its your health at stake here first, your a good person to want to take on so much but before you do think hard about it, its hard to take of other people with problems and it can be draining too! Think of yourself first please!!! Take care. XXX Cindi 
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Autumn, you're right, you DO know the answer to this...
Your husband has made it very clear that he wants to be your EX. Therefore, treat him as an ex. Don't send him money, don't give him a place to stay, don't do anything else for him. The reason you feel different after that letter is because it was like a big punch in your gut, he doesn't want your kindness & love, he only wants to use you for what he can get from you. This is one man you need to turn away from and don't look back. I have a big heart too, so I understand wanting to help people out, but when you get that clear of an awakening: HE DOESN'T WANT YOU, it's time to go. I read something that made so much sense to me and really helped me make some decisions for myself :"If he's stupid enough to leave, be smart enough to let him go".
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Hey Girl..."Helping someone" is NOT Always actually "Helping them"...you know what I mean ?
He is Wanting to be your EX...so let him be just that...NOT your Problem anymore... This is NOT About you having a Big Heart...this is about someone taking Advantage of you...and you Allowing it...Stop That !! It is Great to Believe in People...to Be Kind to People...but Not at the Cost of Self...Stop any and All Contact with him...sign the Papers...and Walk on Girlfriend...Be TRUE to YOU First...you will Then Attract someone who not only see that you will not be Used & taken Advantage of...but someone who will Compliment your Life... Ya know we Love ya Girl...Hugs & Prayers for you this day.. * Remember.."If You Always Do What You have Always Done...You Will Always Get What You Always Got...Get It ??"
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Okay, you probably know me well enough that I have to speak my mind on subjects like this, so here goes.
On him not having a place...well boo hoo to him. He is using you and taking advantage of your generosity. Time for him to grow the heck up and take responsibility for his actions. He obviously thinks he is above the law (which landed him in jail) and treating you like crap. He needs to get his butt into treatment for his alcohol and whatever other problems he has and get help. You can't fix him. He is going to have to do this by himself, for himself. The ties have been severed and you both need to move on. You've already done so much by providing the tools for him to help himself (phone numbers, his old lawyer etc.) Please do not take him in. YES, you ARE strong enough but why let him hinder your physical and mental state? What your feeling sounds like disappointment. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He may want to try the Y.M.C.A., as they may take him in.
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Oh sweetie, I hope all this doesn't fall on deaf ears. I have known people like this, & was married to one. You will do & do & give & give, & he will still condem you for not doing enough. It's all your fault! (Bet you've heard that before, haven't you?) He is a taker, & will continue to suck people dry as long as they enable him. hE'S A BIG BOY, & IT'S NOT UP TO YOU TO FIND HIM A PLACE! He needs to learn he can't treat people like he does, & the only way you can be a positive part of his life is to stop enableing him. You are paying his bills & giving him money, & I bet this isn't the first time. I would love to see you do one thing, & that is to firmly cut all contact with him. Send him one letter to tell him u are giving no more help, or money, & to never contact you again. Then when he sends a letter to you, mark it return to sender. Why read it? We all know what it says. How can YOU be so terrible, you owe me! I need money! What am I suppose to do! I know from experiance, he will bleed you dry. Of your health, your finances, your family, your friends, & your sanity. You are a good person & you deserve better!
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DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN
+ LET HIM MOVE ON & YOU TOO! Most of "US here have all been thru this & oit will not makeyou a better person! only hurt you deeperthenyou feel now ! you willresent him ven more if you help him! stop paying for his stuff in jail! what are you getting out of it! sorry if i sound harsh but i lived thru this & got hurt so many times not only w/ boyfriends cheating on me just mins after i left then after cleaning their house or cooking for then not to mention keeping them happy in the bedroom!& also let him move in w/me after he told me he was still married & getting divorce! cause he loved me, when he got the divoce i helpt him move & on same day caught him on the phone telling this he loved her! i toke the phone & talked to her she told me he had cheatedon her & that he always has three womenon the hook! & caught him in bed w/third one ,three days later within hours!of kissing me &telling me he was so lucky to have me & how great i was! thati deserved beter! that happened twice! with the same guy then another one! i don't trust any guy any more! & you deserve better & the only way you are going to get it is to get ride of this loser! SIGN THE PAPERS DON'T HESITATE
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Thanks guys...you are all right. As hard as it is for me to completely cut ties...i just wrote the letter doing just that. When you get married, you have expectations of your partner. Plus you have all these hopes and dreams. I knew from day 1 that this guy had a lot of problems...but I thought the marriage would "fix" everything...don't laugh please.
He and I have been apart for 3 years now. I've grown A LOT in that time and I feel like I'm a completely different person. I go to church every sunday and I am part of the healing team that goes out into the community and helps people. After reading his letters that have come in recently, I've noticed that he hasn't changed one bit in the last 3 years. We have written back and forth over time, and he seems "stuck". I thought maybe this time around, if he joined me in Narcotics Anonymous it would teach him something. I sat there and hand wrote step 1 which was 17 pages long. He hasn't said anything about wanting to attend or bettering himself. So I have to take the high road on this one and just worry about myself. I did a tarot reading on myself (I read cards) and boy oh boy...I wasn't surprised really...but it talked of destruction of the spirit and self. I really took that to heart. I don't want to lose myself again just from trying to help someone else. I'm ready to start my own life. I've already let too much time pass by..my god I'm 28 years old and haven't even gone to school yet. So thank you all for taking the time to reply to my posting. I love you all. I feel very happy inside knowing that I always have people to talk to about these tough issues.
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I agree with everyone.You are too nice and I think you should just focus on "yourself".I know its hard and men like that can make you feel guilty,try and suck you in to feel sorry for them.Been there,done that!You deserve much better and deserve peace.Having sick people in our lives that don't want to change will just bring you down.I hope you choose to let go and move on so you are able to find happiness for yourself.I will keep you in my prayers.If you need to chat I'm here for you.(((HUGS)))
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