Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Support Group

I am a grandmother raising my 10 yr old gd who has FAE, learning disabilities and adhd. When we got her from her adoptive parents (long, long story) she was having behavioral issues both at home and school, wetting her pants both at night and occasionally in the daytime, could not read (she was 8) and suffered from every kind of abuse a child can suffer, abandonment issues, and would not be anywhere near men (I'm sure you can figure out why). She had a rash on her girl parts that was blood red and nasty from peeing her pants and being made to wear them.

I have no magic answers for you other than to tell you what we did and that it seems to be working. The first thing we did was to let
her know she was safe and would NEVER have to go thru that again! We took her to the dr, got medicine for the rash and got that cleared up. She had never been shown how to wash and clean her body properly so I had to teach her all those things that little girls are taught from infancy. She was so grateful to be clean, have a clean bed to sleep on (she slept on a urine stained mattress on her floor there), and to have nice clothes to wear, she constantly thanked us for bringing her to our home.

Just from the experiences I have had with Missy it sounds like the girls may be suffering with self esteem issues, abandonment issues and just plain lack of being taught anything by someone that cares. Now, it may not be the grandmother, they may have been very neglected and mistreated by their parents, including the alcohol exposure they may have had prior to birth, and the grandmother may just be overwhelmed and not know what to do to help them. Are either of them on meds? That might help after you get them, but your hands are rather tied until you adopt them.

I would advise just spend as much time with them as possible making them feel safe and secure in your love, gain their trust because they probably find it hard to trust anyone at this point. And when they are legally yours start with a good child pychiatrist preferably one that specializes in children with FAS/FAE and adhd. Get them evaluated and into therapy as a family, join a local support group if you can find one and start with one day at a time.

These little girls sound as if they have had a very rough life so far but they have a chance with you and hubs.

If you would like to talk more, contact me.

Good luck,
Helen

Helen,
Thank you so much for your reply. What you have described with Missy sounds very similar to what these girls have been through. They have been with their grandmother for about four years now. She loves them dearly, but does not care for them properly. No one knows for sure if the girls were abused; however, there is suspected sexual abuse from their mother's boyfriend. They also witnessed a lot of abuse toward their mother. They continue to be neglected, phsycially and emotionally. They sleep on the floor at grandma's and wear dirty clothes. There is no bathtub/shower at their house. They love coming to my housse just to take a bath and sleep in a bed. They do see a psychiatrist. They have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and are on Respiridol (spelling?). I think that we have won their trust. They cry everytuime we take them home. I hate having to, but we jsut don;'t have a choice right now. They beg us to let them live with us. It breaks my heart. Once we adopt them, the first thing I will do is speak with their doctors. I never really thought of family therapy, but I think that we might try that as well. My husband and I are newly married and have no children, so all of this is new to us. I'm terrified that I will make things worse by not being a good mom, but then I think that it couldn't be worse than the situation they are in.

Thank you once again for your reply. It helps significantly to have a little guidence.

I'm glad I was able to shed some light on what you will be dealing with from my experience. One reason I suggest family therapy is that this is a family adjustment and the therapist can help direct you in many ways on how to help the girls with their issues.

If you love these girls and do the best you can do you will be a terrific mom! Bottom line these little girls need someone who puts them first and it certianly sounds like that is you. When does the adoption become final, and can you get temp guardianship/custody of them until that happens? That way you can bring them home and start working on the family dynamics even before it is completely legal, it sound like maybe the grandmother could use a break from child rearing.

Would she let you keep the girls for summer vacation??

My story is very similar. I took in a 2 1/2 year old who is now 16. I knew very little about her and had to find out the hard way what was going on. As far as FAS, they have a certain look to their features. I have had no real help from the Psy. She was diagnosed with ADHD & Bi-polar. She is on Risperdal. I determined FAS by accident. One thing that gave me a clue is her IQ is in the 70's. Her issues are not completely resolved with meds. She just doesn't "get" some things. I had the same problem as you, figuring out what was behavior, intelligence, what she had been subjected to, etc, Some behaviors, like wetting, are consistent with sexual abuse. Don't worry, they eventually out grow it. It is a form of control. Let her have it. She can't control much else. It is not worth the power struggle. The good news is that my daughter is very high functioning. She has gone from sp ed to regular classes with a resource teacher and an IEP. She has been on the honor roll, sings beautifully, plays basketball, and is a good artist. The bottom line is this. You don't know how they will turn out or what will happen. When I took my daughter she was getting passed around and to make a long story short, I took her without ever laying eyes on her. I made a comitment to take this child and she would never get passed around again. Sometimes that is the only thing that got me through in the early years. Love is a choice. Make a decision and then don't look back. Good luck and God bless.

Havent been on here for awhile-too afraid to I think. My son is 9 months and has the typical behaviours and also some of the facial features-confirmed now by our paeditrician. He is under the care of a Child devleopment team for mild gross motor delays. In this country they wont diagnose at this age so I have to wait another year at least. Im terried for my son but one never knows how things will turn out. I wont go on about the feelings inside they are too painful. My doctor keeps saying to stop tearing myself apart (drank in 1st trimester). Easier said than done my son suffers becuase of me. Anyway just nice to read how the kids are doing and absolutely loved that your 16 year old has so many wonderful talents :-)