Family & Friends of Cancer Patients Support Group

Since you are relatively new at this type of caregiving, you will naturally have feelings like you have described. I am currently involved as primary caregiver for my mom, sharing this duty with my brother and Hospice, etc. Your feelings are totally NORMAL. It is difficult to be around someone you love and care about when they are becoming ill. You can talk to the hospice social worker alone. It took me awhile to allow myself (we always think that we can handle everything) to vent to a stranger. It has helped me immensely. That is their job. I have problems with detaching myself from my mother and her care. I virtually have to get in my car and just leave to make myself do something positive just for ME. I go to have a massage once a month. This is really good for the body and the soul...It is difficult not to lose ourselves..
Always remember, you are not alone. Come here to vent anytime that you wish!
Hugs and reassurance,
Jan

Maybe it is because he feels bad about you having to take care of him? It is hard for anyone to give up control of their life and become dependent on someone else.

What sort of thing is he sarcastic about?

I don't know what the answer is other than being patient and loving. And remember as jk54cat says to take care of yourself too as well as him. Cancer is horrible for everyone involved. Post here or call a charity helpline to let off steam, or do something you enjoy. I hope you have family and friends around to support you.

Maybe you could go away and someone else could care for your husband while you take a break. My stepdad has done this. I looked after my mum while he went away with my sister, and he is off again soon. If you do not have family or friends who could look after your husband, maybe there is a respite service or charity which could help.

Thank you, Jan, I was feeling guilty for having posted this and actually asked DS to delete it for me! Speaking to a stranger about him would make me feel disloyal as well as guilty, but I hear you and I know that I do need support and outlets so I can do my best for him. I guess I'll get used to the balancing act; right now in these early months, it's all him and nothing for me, and I'm probably feeling more resentful than I'm admitting to myself over that.

Lizzie, I think you've pinned it perfectly - he is an Alpha Male to the max (used to running big construction projects and ordering around 200 big burly men and lots of heavy equipment), and now suddenly he's "weak" and "one down" (his own perception; I don't judge him by his illness) and is being cared for by his wife, who he always thought it was his role to protect and care for. So yes, this has to be eating away at him - along with all the physical symptoms and the unending knowledge that he only has so much time left on this earth.

Thank you both for your support. I've been feeling like a monster if you want to know the truth. I love him so much and this is all breaking my heart, but I expect him to make the effort to be nice to me in exchange. Maybe that's too much to ask of him from time to time when everything else is going on. I am so grateful for this site.

Hello,
you are not alone with this problem, i am a caregiver & a full time support team to my fiance, who has metastatic kidney cancer dx Aug 1st 2008, and i truly understand how you feel... I don't know how long your husband was d/x with his metastaic pancreatic cancer, but you seem pretty new to all this...I, like you know that our other halves have terminal diseases and i went thru a very simular situation that you are going thru now for the first yr of d/x... My fiance was the same way, he just wouldn't talk about the cancer or anything to do with feelings and was going thru a very angry stage which of coase taken all out on me all the time....He ia a very stubborn man and we were at each other throats and i became very sensitive with the way he was treating me and i really tought he was blaming me for his cancer...It was a highly stressful time for me and it came to the point where i just wanted him to change, i thought this was going to bring us closer, but it was pushing us further apart...It wasn't all him, i became very controlling and my expectations were so high with trying to change him for a very long time, the way i looked at it, this was all he needed to look at was how he was treating me and i brought that up to him a million times...
I started reading a good book, that i got from the library and the name of it was " When the man you love is ill" and it taught me alot about good coping skills and i learned to let things go....
What i am trying to say is no one knows how to live with a life altering change when hit with devastating news like this, we are so used to living a more normal way, between the shock of this neither one of you don't know how to deal with news like this... All you want is the normal life you had before all this happened and trying to change a so called normal life, when cancer strikes, we eventually have and need to live a different way of life, it takes time and alot of mistakes but, eventually you will both learn to live this differnent life down the road..
Your husband seems to be alot like my fiance, as you mentioned the job he was doing, like my Tim, talking about their real feeling is givin into defeat, and not having the willigness makes them feel weak and scared to share their feelings takes thier contol away, so many men are like this....My Tim has never showed his feelings to anyone and he may never have the capacity to even know where to even start, one thing is so important to know we can never change them, but we can change ourselves to rise above this and let these awful behaviors... Us caregivers have go and continue to work on ourselves to feel better about ourselves and i can tell you honestly since i have done this, Tim has followed me just by seeing more calmness in me.... We talk more about our days and Tim is not a talker our conversations have increased, i don't react to his moods anymore, it's just not that important to me anymore, we may never talk about his cancer, but i have accepted this, our lives have improved so much... Please don't feel ashamed of the past things you have said to him, you were reacting back and i have done this several times, but it's not worth it anymore.... You are both going thru a rough path and the way you feel is the unappreciation he isn't showing and all this hurts... I was always looking for Tim's appreciation with all the things that i was doing for him, but alot of men will never show their thanks as Tim is one of them, but it's ok... Acceptance is a big word, the things i do for Tim today are from my heart and my love for him, and just knowing i have done anything and everything makes me a better person, in the long run, i know i have done everything i could possibly do for him which means i have done my very best and i will always be able to live with this without any regrets... I hope this somehow helps you, knowing that it won't always be the way as sit is now, things will get better down the road... Your husband is very angry right now, his disease has taken so much away from him, it's that dam defeat, and you are both going thru a grief stage, you both have to walk thru them all to get to the other side, until he excepts his disease and you'll both come to the acceptance stage of his disease and i can guarentee things will get better as Tim and i have walked thru them, this takes time, just hold on to the hope and faith...
I wish the best for you both and you are not alone and one more thing a cancer support group for caregivers would help alot for you specially now....
Take care,
Becca Anne

Oh, Becca Ann, how very helpful your answer was! Thank you from my heart.

Interestingly, I'm reading "When the Man You Love is Ill" right now and it's been a huge help to me already. Your letter is so supportive as well - I feel less guilty. When I focus on my own feelings, I'm not so very available to him.

Yes, it's very recent - dx mid-August 2009 & is just starting his second round of chemo on Monday. We're still adjusting and "WHY ME?" a lot. I have to say that he does sometimes show his appreciation - he keeps saying he probably would be dead already if it weren't for me. I guess I need to let the other stuff roll right off my back; he has to let out all these bad feelings SOMEHOW and at least I'm safe for him.

Thanks again - you've been so helpful to me. I wish you and your fiance the best.

Hugs, Gail