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I don't know what to do anymore, and I have no idea where to go from here.
I have been extremely hesitant to join a support group, because of the stage of my mom's cancer. She has stage one breast cancer, caught it early, she had a double masectomy to prevent any spread, there was a small bit in the lymphnode under the arm, but that was removed at the same time as everything else, so the doctors are extremely optimitic. She's under close watch. I feel extremely lucky for this to be the case for her. But the problem is, is I feel like she has lost the will to even live, and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do. Her and my dad have been married for 26 years and they are both extremely agressive people, so them fighting isn't a new thing. But recently the fights are nastier, longer and more desperate. And she's moved on to me. Im a senior in college, so Im having a hard time balancing going home and getting my degree. After the initial diagnosis i spent almost every weekend at home, and durring winter break, I spent it at home. During winter break i got into terrible fights with my mom, she would tell me i am uncaring, i have no feelings, i am unempathetic towards her. Blatantly that i don't care. I would get just as mad at her and say things to her like, you're going to be fine, you're going to live, and she gets incredibly mad at me. My mom also lost her mom to breast cancer when she was 35, and i was about 7. So she says she misses her mom a lot during this time. and i understand that, and i want to be there for her, but she pushes me away so hard, i have no idea what to do. She tells me "you were a curse from god, i wish you had never been born." and i have to respond and say: im sorry you feel that way. Every time i get a text from her im terrified that she's mad at me, and doesn't want to see me. The smallest fights, blow up into the worst things ever, and what i can't understand is that she's supposed to be okay, she's supposed to be getting better. Parents and children have fall outs all the time, but i am getting to the end of my rope here, where i am ready to cut all contact with her. But i could never do that. She still says i am abadoning her durring cancer, but honeslty i have no idea what to do anymore. Today, she told me that since her and my dad have fought since i was young, i was trained to think she's stupid, so thats why im treating her this way, and I honestly can't take it anymore. She tells me how im feeling, why i see things the way to do, and she's just blatantly wrong. I've tried to hard to be there for her, i feel like shes going to be okay, and i just don't understand. This is why i've finally joined a support group, because I don't even know where to go from here. Me and her have had a really good relationship up till now, and how she behaves now, i would call emotionally abusive. But i can't call my own mother, who is sick and dealing with things abusive, because she'll tell me its normal to have blow ups like this. And ive given her so much space, and so much time, and done anything i possibly could, (or i mean, i guess what i think i could have possibly done? i have no idea if its enough for her or not, or if im just wrong here?) I really need help. Im getting desperate Posted on 02/16/12, 08:16 pm |
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I know you are frustrated. But you can't control what other people say or do. But you can control how you react. What does your conscious tell you to do?
Some people say to give space. Some people will say you need to sit her down and have a heart to heart. In any case, it sounds like she is having a hard time dealing. Not with the cancer but the memories. And if she is as fiesty as you say, then problem is, she will fight her feeling all the way. Its easier for people to be mad instead of dealing with the root of the problem. Just don't forget why you are upset. You love her. But you don't have to take the abuse. Maybe discuss your feelings with your father and the two of you can talk to her together. 
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I am so sorry you are going through this.
I think you can call it emotional abuse. To me that sounds like exactly what it is. It is understandable because of her own suffering and what happened to her mother, and there is a lot of help and support available if she wants to accept it. But if she refuses, she cannot expect you to continue to just take it and act as her punching bag. I think naming her behaviour either in a letter or, if you are feeling brave, to her face, is important. You cannot just let it continue because she is sick. The various side effects and sickness of cancer can continue for years, my mum is still suffering from side effects of chemo she had several years ago. She may never fully return to how she used to be. So I think it is important to say something if her behaviour is upsetting you this much. How about writing all of this down in a letter to your mum? That way she can't shout you down. Can she go to your support group? Maybe she needs separate counselling so she can say things that she might feel awkward about saying to you? Have you spoken to your dad about this? You say that fighting is normal to them, but he must have noticed it has got worse. Is he supporting her or is there something he could do to help, or that you both could do together? Is there any hope in going and doing some of the stuff you used to enjoy when your relationship was good, before the cancer? Or maybe trying something new with her? Maybe you both slip into familiar behaviour patterns in some way when you are together in her house? Would she still yell and say nasty things to you in public? If you think she might restrain herself if she was in public, then maybe just meet up when out and about. Arrange visits and activities with her and don't go round her house or anywhere more private. If she does start saying some of the things you mention, close down the subject. If she persists, walk away. Don't engage with her on any subject that she could manipulate into emotional blackmail/abuse. How is your college work going? Do your college know about your mum? It is hard to talk about these things but I think they need to know if you are struggling or need to postpone exams or take time out from the course. If you need to vent or anything feel free to PM me.
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You are doing a good job of being understanding. No matter what she says she still loves you like the way you love her, she probably feels scared and feels that no one understands what she is going through.
My sister has cancer and I care for her 24/7. I have given up my uni studies for now to look after her. My sister and I sometimes argue a lot but still makeup because I know she would do the same for me if I was in her shoes. Writing a letter is a good idea but be careful with the words you use, in your letter ask her why she feels really upset towards you and ask what you can do to make her feel better. Your a caring person listen to your heart and do what you feel is the right thing for your mum.
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I feel for your problem. You are faced with two difficult choices, stick with her and find a way to make it better or leave her alone until she calms down. Talk with your dad on your feelings and tell her that she either gets help or she loses a daughter. You are too important of a person to let this devolve your life. If she ever asks for help just to be there without question. Other than that nobody deserves to be talked to in that way and eventually you will start hating your mother because of it.
If it is a side effect of cancer you just have to let her say what she wants. I know when i take chemotherapy my feelings "filter" was jacked up and I say things I don't mean because its just how i felt at that moment. So when she starts to fight just let her get it all out and don't react to it. When she stops ask her if she is done and move on. If she can't move on just leave the area and come back later if you can. Sorry for the mixing up of solutions. Just trying to give you as many options as possible because some work and some don't. In the end only you can control your happiness and know what you can or can't tolerate so listen to your heart.
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That first reply was from my husband 'Russel' he has terminal colon cancer.
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Please go ahead and find a support group for yourself. It will help you immensely. Your mother sounds as if she is suffering from depression. Depression can be manifested as extreme anger sometimes, it is not always sadness, crying, etc. I get angry at the world when my depression creeps up on me. My other half has a skull cancer and has been having major problems with his depression in the form of anger at the nurses, doctors, and everyone else. Let her doctor know what is going on with her mentally. Many people do not recognize this aspect of depression and do not tell the doctor about it.
I lost a friend to breast cancer recently who had to be put on anti-depressants at first in order to deal with it all, as well as an anti-anxiety med esp. before chemo because she had anxiety attacks each time. She was so jittery they had trouble starting the chemo. Take care of yourself first. You cannot help her if you are not in good mental/physical health yourself. Big hug to you and hope things improve.
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Hi, this sounds like a rough time but I can relate. My dad has stage IV cancer. The best thing you can do for yourself and the number one rule of caregivers, is to take care of yourself first. You might feel bad or guilty by taking a break from the stress but a break, even if its just going to school, can do wonders. Do something nice for yourself because you deserve good things too.
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Hey, my moms got cancer and she finished radiotherapy about 3ish weeks ago so it's all pretty recent and I can relate to about 80% of what you're saying.
I don't have time to type everything out, but if you want to talk, send me a message or we can chat. And if I find a way to cope with it all for a long stretch of time, I'll let you know. Still trying to figure it out myself. Stay sane :)
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I can absolutely relate to 90% of what you're saying...you are not alone here and I am going through something extremely similar myself. My mom was just diagnosed with stage IV cancer for the third time, and I'm a little older than you, I just graduated from grad school, but am still feeling the burden of being fairly young and already dealing with a parent who is terminally ill...
My mom's cancer is pretty aggressive in her lungs and she's currently hooked up to an oxygen tank and has limited mobility around the house, tough for me to watch someone who normally is full of energy and plays lots of sports, etc. I have found this to be a good resource and am considering looking into therapy as well as I, personally, don't feel comfortable speaking in front of a group of people I don't know. It sounds like yourself and possibly your mom could benefit from therapy as well (and your dad?). Is your mom's doctor somebody you feel comfortable speaking with?
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