Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

sounds like he could use a med adjustment

Yes totally understand, yesterday morning I was a "prick" and stifling his needs ( like spending money on bills) the last night he was all, your such a good person and I appreciate you THEN this morning it was all back to what a jerk I am and I have ruined his life cause I can't accommodate his needs cause I have to pay bills and I am a financial failure etc., etc.......................................jjjeeeeezzzzzz

Its hard to stop walking on eggshells. If you can figure out a way to stop and accept that you are worthy of being able to speak your mind and do the things that you want without fear of setting him off ... you would be doing yourself a favor.

I told myself unsuccessfully many times that I was going to simply say and do what I wanted (nicely mind you) and not worry if it was going to set her off.

I noted a posting on the bp board recently where a person with BP said that their partner always seems to be about two days behind them in adjusting to their phase. I know I felt this way. She would flip from manic to depressed, and a couple days later when I started to treat her based on that phase, she was already flipping back to the manic side.

If you can't know for sure where they are in their cycles because there is a lack of communication, how can you possibly know where you stand? How about something as clear as "I am starting to feel hypomanic, and the best things that you can do for me to help me during this time are X, Y, and Z?" Is that really so hard for a person with bipolar to do?

The uncertainty of how your partner will react "this time" to something that was perfectly fine a day ago was one of the toughest things I found to deal with.

Just remember Ciel, he hasn't been diagnosed. He may be suffering from any number of disorders that have many of the same symptoms as BP. Instead of BP which can be treated with meds and therapy, he could have borderline personality disorder, which is notoriously hard to treat. Then again, he could just be a total jerk.

Your best bet is to stop worrying about him, and start taking care of yourself. (I don't know your backstory, so you may be doing all of this.) If you are codependent, work on that. Distance yourself from being tied to his emotional state. Learn that you are not responsible for his happiness, unhappiness, or anger. Find as many interests as possible outside the marriage. Go to school. Get therapy for yourself.

Contemplate what you can accept in your relationship. Draw up a contract for yourself on where you draw the line. Let him know with love that his behavior is unacceptable, and that you wish he would seek help. If he crosses the line, start the process of leaving. I believe you said in a different post that he is very successful and has money and all that stuff, and that it is difficult to leave, but what is your health and sanity worth to you?

Sometimes, leaving your spouse is the thing that finally wakes them up to the need to change.

Take care.

Ciel, I think that it is absolutely understandable that you feel the way that you do. This kind of behavior from him can cause a huge amount of stress in ones life.

Growing up, my father was undiagnosed BP. He was also a "rageaholic". He suffered most with dysphoric hypo mania. We never knew from one minute to the next how he was going to behave or react to something. When he did blow up, which was often, it was very extreme. He was very verbally abusive and would storm around the house breaking things, using a belt on us, and threatening my mother. I began to see this side of me at about age 12 and it progressed as I got older. The least little thing would set me off and after my "rage" I would literally forget what I had done or said.

The catalyst for my getting better was having children. When I began to behave like my father and treat them the same way, I was terrified. I made a decision to get help through therapy and meds and to strive to be the best person that I could be. My husband is a very compassionate, patient and understanding man who has always encouraged me to be the best I could be.

The most important aspect of our relationship and how we manage this disorder, is our open communication with each other. It has saved my life and saved our marriage. As ImDealing mentioned, it is imperative that my family know how I am feeling. I do not hesitate to talk to my children or husband about how I am feeling. They are always aware. I have learned coping skills and behavior modification that helps me identify triggers, mood shifts etc. This has taken a great deal of work but can be done.

The biggest issue preventing this is if the people involved are not willing to "accept" and do the work necessary to make it work. It cannot be one sided. It takes all parties involved. Since your husband is not willing to recognize that he has a problem, this makes it very difficult for you. You can learn ways to "deal" but unless he works with you, your relationship will always be strained and your self esteem always damaged. You are human and this is a very common reaction to this kind of behavior.

Unless your husband takes some responsibility and works to learn to behave differently, this will always be an uphill battle for you.

xo

I think it is important to remind ourselves that your husband not only is not medicated to treat bipolar and does not have a diagnosis of bipolar, but has never sought professional help for this problem. This is because he does not see it as his problem, but that you are the problem.

You are hurting very deeply inside, and are seeking to understand what is happening to you - very well-placed intentions. You must be and are focused on taking care of you.

However, I think by continuing to post in a community related to bipolar it shows that you believe him to be bipolar. He could be, but he could also be a number of other things including simply abusive.

I know you want to find a reason why he treats you this way. However, there may not be a reason.

You cannot change his behavior. All you can do is get the help and support you need to discontinue suffering like you are right now.

Strategies?: You need to be connecting with support lines that know how to safely work through what your options are for staying in your living arrangement or leaving, and how to implement your decision safely; connections might include online domestic violence information, domestic violence hotlines, your local domestic violence shelters, and other local social services.

Wow! I'm overwhelmed by the good advice & insightful comments everyone has made. It is true that he doesn't have any diagnosis nor is he taking any medication. I've made clear that I suspect BP is the problem but, as a smart & well informed person with BP pointed out, it sounds more like BPD. No matter what letters of the alphabet eventually get placed beside his name, he is not a garden variety abuser (although the actual conduct can be justly defined as abusive). This is something that 'takes hom over'. Our medieval ancestors would've referred to him as possessed & handed him over to the village priest for exorcism. His eyes change & lose their depth & take on a flat painted wooden disc look.

"Find as many interests as possible outside the marriage. Go to school. Get therapy for yourself."- I'm dealing

You must've read my mind! That's exactly what I'm doing! I am in my final yr of university & will graduate next yr this time. As for therapy, I've gotten the resource I need from a therapist yesterday & now I can set that up too.

"I made a decision to get help through therapy and meds and to strive to be the best person that I could be"- Shelly

I love the way you took back your power. You didn't go into denial (the easy ego-sparing route) but took the bull by the horns. Do you believe that bp is hereditary or a learned behaviour? Since yr father was so reactive, could it be that, in part, that this was what you elearned in the home? THis isn't meant to be a rude question, I just am new to these disorders & I'm learning all I can.

"Strategies?: You need to be connecting with support lines that know how to safely work through what your options are for staying in your living arrangement or leaving, and how to implement your decision safely; connections might include online domestic violence information, domestic violence hotlines, your local domestic violence shelters, and other local social services. " -BlueSkyDays

Thanks for the strategies. Actually, someone else suggested I do similarly. This much I know is true: last weekend's 'episode' was the last one I'm 'excusing' & I've told him as much. As to whether or not he believes it well...je ne sais pas. If this repeats in 2 weeks from now, as is the pattern, my next call is to a lawyer. I only wish that there were some way I could record one of these episodes in its entirety from the giddy stage to the BIG BANG to the 'hey baby' come-on ending. No words suffice to demonstrate just how terrible these are; how sudden & how harsh & cruel. I'd love to be able to let a therapist actually hear what I mean. This is something I'm going to look into as well.

I can't thank you all enough. This site has, in one week flat become a lifeline & a source of inspiration & hope.

Ciel, I can't commend you enough for making these choices! You are doing things for you, you are standing up for yourself. Kudos!

You deserve to be treated with dignity, care, love and respect. When the times start to get hard, remember this.

Hopefully he will see the light and seek help to improve himself and his relationship with you.

Ciel, BP is organic (chemical imbalance) and hereditary. I have two of four sons who are diagnosed with BP. After learning so much about BP, I can say with certainty that my father and his brother suffered with BP, my grandfather suffered with it, and my two brothers both have it. I also suspect that my two nieces have it but I am not sure.

I am not saying that those behaviors cannot also be learned behaviors. I am sure the way I was raised reinforced them. However, given the fact I had little control over them and no memory, it would indicate dysphoria. The same holds true for my father.

I think this is why it is so important to understand ourselves and work to discover who we truly are. There can be many reasons for manifested behaviors but they can be modified and managed. Although I still have episodes of dysphoria, I have learned to recognize the triggers and the symptoms and put coping skills in place that help me manage them better before I loose control. I dont just allow them to happen anymore.

xo