Family Issues Support Group

There were many wonderful things about my family of origin, and I was blessed in many ways with my parents. However, there were other issues that I recognize affected me for years and still struggle with.

My mother had extremely poor self-esteem, basically self loathing. She would always say nice things about other people, but only negative things about herself. My sister and I grew up with for a role model, so it's no surprise that we grew up with a poor sense of our own self-worth. Our parents had terrible fights almost weekly, never physically violent, but they were both emotionally immature and volatile. I left home as soon as I possibly could to get away from the constant negativity. My sister became reclusive and didn't leave home for years.

We are now in our mid-50's. 25 years ago, when we were both married, we co-purchased a duplex. We shared the property, but lived independently from each other. The relationships with the men didn't endure, but we stayed in the house and I raised one child as a single parent.

When our father died, our elderly mother moved in with my sister. She was very active and independent at first, but after 6 years, she had a stroke, and things went downhill. She became very needy physically and emotionally. My sister bore the brunt of her care needs as they lived together, though my role was to deal with medical appointments and resources. As her health needs bcame more complex, I was often going to 1 or 2 appointments with her every week. However, our mother was alone unsupervised all day and not eating well. After a severe bout of delirium, she was admitted to a care faicility. She's been there nearly a year, and my sister and I each visit her 4 times a week, separately.

My sister is a very sweet soul, but since my mother came to live with us, her self esteem began to plummet. Both my mother and sister are constantly self-critical, and they seem to feed off each other. I always kept my life separate enough, but as my mother's needs and health issues escalated, I found myself slowly getting drawn into unhealty family patterns. My sister and I have been obliged to spend more time together because of our mother's needs. My sister's constant negativity and put-downs of herself are hard to be around, and I start to feel like I did as a teenager and just wanted to get away from my crazy family and get my own place. I'm noticing my own self esteem is plummeting and I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and anger.

My sister has no intention of selling the place, and it's not a legal duplex, so I don't have the option of selling my half. My sister keeps hoping my mother will come back home, and keeps her room just as she left it with her sweater on her chair. My mother can't even walk up the stairs, and has only been home once in the past 5 months.

What I'd like is rent out my half of the duplex, and buy a cottage of my own. But real estate is so high right now, a house now costs literally 10 times what it cost when we bought. I only work part time, and am nearing retirement, so I can't afford to buy a 2nd home, even with the equity in the place. I feel so stuck, and I hate that feeling. I'm used to taking charge and making changes that need to be made, but I feel like I'm being held hostage against my will.

Just to complicate matters, I am in a relationship with a kind and caring man, but this is not the right time to start cohabiting, otherwise that would be an ideal solution. He's just going through a bankruptcy and shutting down his business, and he has generous access with a vulnerable preteen son who really needs one on one time with his dad.

I've been looking at apartments, but it's depressing. They have small windows and low ceilings and smell weird. And coin laundries too. Our house has a lot of character, high ceilings and big rooms, and is actually quite beautiful. My self esteem is so low right now that I can't make rational decisions. I feel like my life is a big failure. I've done some neat and exciting things in the past, but it feels like the sphectre of our family's dysfunction eventually claimed me as its victim.

Anyhow, the reason behind going into this whole song and dance is a hope for inspiration. Maybe someone has a creative, fresh alternative I haven't thought of yet. I just want to feel good about my life again.
Posted on 10/22/09, 01:10 am