What is Family Issues
A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accomm...
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Abusive Husband
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My good friend- we call each other sisters- is married to an abusive alcoholic with anger issues. They have two children age 5 and under, are both more or less unemployed- though not for lack of trying on her part- and cannot afford their rent, much less food or anything else.
Her husband will soon collect unemployment & then military disability at which point the only that would keep him from drinking all day is is she takes all the money and all the credit cards away when she goes to work. When he drinks he becomes physically abusive to her. He has threatened to kill her on three separate occasions, and has hit her several times. Our mutual friend confided in my that she witnessed him slapping the five year old across the face for no other reason than he was drunk. When he is not drinking he is rarely supportive and has emotionally abused her and i suspect mentally as well, as five years ago she wouldn't have put up with this crap if she hadn't been pregnant with his child. When she is miserable, she is not a good mother. The oldest needs his shots, and he needs to be in school. Their living situation is up in the air so I understand her desire to wait and enrolll him until they are settled somewhere. She doesn't seem to realize that having him in school will give her time to work, care for the younger one and find places to live.It will also get him a at least one meal. I have calle dthe county services and I told her about the country's health & human services innoculation program for $0 per vist or free if you meet income qualifications. I told her I would help her get her sons in if she needed it, as they only have one car and her husband refuses to get his license. The younger one is a very unhappy baby. My sister is stressed out and miserable and the kids get the brunt of it. She yells at them all the time. There is very little to no structure in their learning and our boss (we work for the same woman) has told me she doesn't know if the kids eat when they aren't with her (our boss). When my sister's husband was working they didn't qualify for food stamps, but she did have WIC. I told her to apply for foodstamps again because I"m sure this time they will qualify(plus the county info guy said they would). She told our boss that in October they were going to try to have another baby because they want a girl, Two boys and a girl. HOW DO I TELL HER THIS IS A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE IDEA??? I am afraid she want this child to try to bring her and her husband together again. They were very close when the second baby was born. What if it isn't a girl? She was too young to be a mom and she doesn't want to be one right now. I am afraid the eldest is going to get pushed aside, because he already had been a bit when the second one was born. They cannot afford to properly feed or house themselves now, they aren't possibly going to be able to afford an infant. She is not going to be happy with another child. She knows they won't be able to collect unemployment forever, and her husband has become a lazy alcoholic who won't acknowledge his anger issues and get himself some help. My nephew confides in our friend. He tells her he doesn't think his dad loves him, and that he doesn't want his dad to be his dad anymore. He also talks to her about his dad's drinking. A CHILD OF FIVE SHOULD NOT KNOW THAT DRINKING MAKES HIS DAD CHANGE. There is something wrong with that picture. I told our friend to call CPS next time she sees the husband lay hands on the boys, but she is hesitant to ruin a friendship and to be in a position where she can protect somewhat.I understand that as I have wanted to make time in my busy schedule to give my nephew a place to learn and be safe. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't want to overstep boundaries or move too fast. My sister knows her husband won't change. She's said so herself. I've given her information on abused women shelters and told her some of the place can help her financially. I told her to start making a plan so if he gets out of hand again she knows where she's going, how much money she has, things like that. She knows my place is always a safe one because that man does not scare me. Perhaps I should be, but I have so much anger and hate towards him for what he's done and what he's doing that the idea of letting him get the best of me is ludicruss. Besides, due to an domestic abuse situation that happend while they were staying at my place that he started, he is no longer allowed on my property by my landlord's orders. But I digress... I am watching her life disintegrate, any chance of happiness, and she's taking her children with her..... and I want desperately to stop her but I don't know how. Anyone any ideas? Advice? IF anyone's been in an abusive siutation, any tips on how our friend & i can help her more? coax her more? I don't want her to be finally convinced when she's lying in a hospital bed bandaged up ..... Please pray for her. Pray for Jax in S.D. Posted on 09/05/09, 02:09 am |
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so i chatted with our boss last night
we spent an hour or so talking about my sister apparently my e-mail was a great big dose of reality and she doesn't want to deal with it. our boss is trying to help/encourage/point her thinking in the right direction. she offered to enroll the oldest son in the school across the street from her house, since it's a whole day kindergarten and my sister will be working there anyway i found out that the youngest one went into a fever induced seizure last week. my boss went out there for a visit, felt the baby asked for a thremometer and ended up buying one for them. 102.8 my boss said she would take them to 24 urgetn care or teh hospital. they said no he'll be fine. they went for curry, not the hospital. he seized that night. when my sister texted my boss the next day about the seizure, our boss was so angry. she bets that if it weren't for the living situation all sleeping in one room, that they wouldn't have known he was seizing. and she's right. i'm concerned because 6 months ago if the baby had been ill she would have gone straight to the hospital. the last time the baby ran a fever this high my sister called me in a panic from the hospital waiting room that they had rushed to as soon as they got the temp reading and they had the baby out at the beach the next day. something is seriously seriously wrong and she is just refusing to see acknowledge it 
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She stole from me.
She stole $445 dollars from me. She knew what sort of financial bind that would put me in and she still stole from me. She stole from me because she and her husband can't get their lives together enough to earn $700 for rent. She knows I would do ANYTHING in the world for her and her boys. ANYTHING. and if I had ANY extra money I would have GIVEN it to her so she could pay her rent. not loaned, given. instead she stole from me. I am done. And it breaks my heart because that eldest boy, the unwanted one, i love him to pieces. And now there is no way I can be there to protect him.
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Please call child protective services in your state. They go by different names in each state. Those children deserve a better life than this. You can remain annynomous if you wish. There are many people who know of these circumstances so she may not suspect you. Someone has to step in for the saftey of these children. There parents are not capable parents. Please let the state take care of them if you cant do so. Perhaps you can offer to care for the older child. Maybe you sister will begin to hit her bottom and start to see whats going on if this happens.
That little boy is going to grow up and probably be such an angry statistic if he doesnt start getting his needs met. God please take care of them till someone can.
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i called CPS on sunday. It was weird call but i did it. they said since it was made anonymously, i may not be given any info if i call to check on the case. that's okay. there are others who are close.
all of our mutual friends are shocked and stunned that she stole from me. it's really sad.
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It would be nice to hear a good report.
Keep us posted if you can. Good Luck!
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So here's the update:
1. She ended up paying me back, which I was surprised at. Pleased, but surprised. I am still not willing to be her friend though. She has betrayed my trust and faith in her, and along with her petty & grudge holding personality traits that I overlooked before, well I've had enough. Through the grapevine I've heard this: The eldest is in school. Started this week and is doing very well. The teachers want to test him for advance placement because he is learning so fast and they don't want him to get bored & be prone to trouble. So yea! I'm very proud of him. Our mutual friend went off on my sister a week ago after she witnessed the eldest child hold a push up position for over 15 minutes and then his dad told him to do push-ups AFTER holding that and when the boy told him he couldn't, father got out his belt. Our friend asked my sister to take her home and in the car flat out told her this punishment extreme was not okay and if she doesn't get a handle on it our friend will call CPS. Consequently, my sister made a chart a sort of punishment fits the crime chart that gets progressive as behavior gets worse. Our friend told me that it was working and it was a good tool for BOTH parents and children, However our friend is skeptical as to how long that chart will be used, as am I. CPS finally came by. They actually found the boy at his school, and talked to him there. So the teachers are aware of the situtation. My sister is not allowed to talk to our friend because her husband thinks it was our friend who called CPS. My sister figured out it was me but says I did it not out of concern for the kids, but because she wasn't going to pay me.Well, SHE may be that petty, but I"m not. I would have called them even if I had received the money before had and I would have called them even if we were still friends. What our mutual friend wants to get through to her is this: Calling CPS was always something everyone spoke about doing, but it wasn't until her desperate action of stealing from me gave everyone a BIG wake up call and forced us into action. Our friend (my friend from here on) has started keeping a journal of what goes on in case she needs to call CPS or if her or the mom's life is endangered by this lousy piece of sh*t husband. He has anger issues, depression, delusions alcholism and denial all working against him ever being a decent person again, denial being the worst because its the first block to him getting the help he needs so its a 50/50 report.,
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At last update, Abusive Husband (AH) thinks it was our fried that called CPS and is now not allowing Abused Wife (AW) to speak to her anymore. Our friend believes AH is trying to isolate AW from everyone that cares about her. I've had that suspicion for a loooong time. AW had asked Friend for a printout of friend's phone records to show AH that it wasn't her that called CPS. Well friend got it, told AW she had it, and AW said "never mind, it wasn't going to work, that AH was convinced beyond reason that it was friend that called"
I was afraid this would happen. I knew there was a risk that AH would isolate AW from as much outside contact as possible after CPS showed up. At least AW still works for our boss, and Boss is no fool. AH is so manipulative that the next thing that worries me is he'll find reasons to keep the eldest away from school. Very crime-showy, I know, but hey those stories are inspired by factual events.... even if by the time we watch them as fiction they've been changed so we don't recognize the story in them. At least CPS has record and they have record of him at school, so hopefully eldest won't slip under the radar & they'll notice if he stops coming.
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Alright, I have been in the exact same situation as your "sister" and this is what I advise.
1. Get your mutual friend to watch her kids for a day or two. While she is watching the kids, go with your friend to the abused womens centre, be strong for her, she is walking away from her marriage and needs your support. They will give her a shelter, for her and her kids. Help her to move in and get settled, lend her as much money as you can, make sure that she has enough food, toiletries, clothes etc. 2. Once she has settled in, arrange for her to get her kids back. 3. Call her every night, at least three times, once around tea time, once just before she puts the kids to bed, and once when you are just about to go to bed yourself. 4. Get her a new sim card for her mobile phone 5. Go out on a day trip at least once a day, even if it's just out for a coffee, or to the park. 6. Take her clothes and little surprizes, even if it's just a little box of chocolates. 7. Never be too busy to talk to her, even if its 4am, and tell her that if she can't sleep, she can call you anytime, it's not a problem and she won't be a burden. 8. Keep her well away from the area where her husband lives, cause even driving through the town will make her miss him. 9. Set her up with lots of blind dates asap. I know that she wont feel like getting with anyone, but being around decent guys will help her to realize that her husband is a bum 10. Get her a solicitor for a divorce and go to the appointments with her, if you sense that she is hesitant about a divorce, then she needs a night out to the cinema or somewhere fun, before the next appointmen. Fill out every form for her, cause her brain will be thinking "If I was still with (her husbands name) Then I wouldn't have to fill out all these endless forms". This was the support that I needed when I left my husband, but I never got it and I went back to him and ended up loosing my children. I know that it is a hassle for you and your mutual friend, but she needs you now, more than ever. If you do give her the support that I suggested, Keep it up for as long as possible, expecting her to walk away from this man and then leaving her high and dry a couple of weeks later will only drive her straight back to him, and your mutual friend can share some of the tasks that I mentioned. You need to speak to your mutual friend first of all, agree which of the above responsibilities you can each share, and make a code word that means "she's leaving him, and she needs you to watch the kids for a few days." The most difficult thing for you will be to know how and when to broach the subject of her leaving him. She will tell your herself, she won't tell you straight out "I'm leaving this bum" She'll say something like "I'm so sick of this" or I can't do this anymore" Or "I can't live like this anymore" when she says that, call your mutual friend, say the code word and implement the plan that instant. Don't feel like she will hate you for controling her, she has been controlled for goodness knows how long, she's used to it, and as her friend, she will be looking for your or your mutual friend to make this decision for her. What she doesn't know is that she has already made the decision to leave him, she is just looking for validation that her decision is the right one, and that she has the support that she needs to get her and her children out of that situation. A few years down the line, her and her childrens life will be so different, although I lost my kids, and had no support, loosing my kids gave me the kick up the backside that I needed to leave him. I am now blissfully married, to a wonderful guy, who treats me like a queen. He is helping me to fight to get my kids back, but social services are going for them to get adopted. I spend every single day wishing I had just left him before I lost my kids I would still have them her, and my new relationship, would have been a family. Kimberly
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That would have been great advice before she decided to steal half of my rent money.
Her husband dank away her rent money. Out mutal friend & I both offered for her and boys to stay with us on the ONE condition that her husband stay some palce else. The last time he stayed at both our homes the poice were called becuase of crap he did. She decided she would do ANYTHING to keep her family together. So she screwed me financially and she screwed herself and the saftery of her children. NOw here husband won't let her speak to our friend, and I don't want anything to with her. What if she changes her mind and decides to steal from me again to go back to him because "she can afford it. her parent's pay for everything" . That was her justification for doing it. Now I've been behind on rent everymonth since as a snowbal effect.. However Kimberly, your course action IS an excellent one, and I will pas it along to our mutual friend, and if our friend needs the help to do this, I will help her for the children's sake. But not for her. She would rather stay with a lousy son of bitch lying drunken beating bastard them take an opportunity to leave and she'd rather steal & lose a friend in order to do it. Harsh, I know. BU I had already helped her out given her a home given her resources...done everything I thought I could do and she spits in my face so to speak. I'm in it for the kids, and only through the grapevine.
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