What is Family Issues
A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accomm...
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How do I ignore my mother's harshness?
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Hey everyone, I'm new here and I just wanted someone to talk to because I'm at the end of the line here and I just can't deal with my family, especially my mother. I'm 19 and I have never felt loved by her. She has said and done so much that I don't know if I will ever have any confidence in myself. Throughout my lifetime she has called me ugly, called me stupid, picked on me about my acne, when I was 10 she told me that I would be a bad mother, and she has even accused me of trying to murder her by putting asprin in her milk. I know that a person's looks don't determine who they are, but she has beraded me so much throughout my life that I have become extremely self-concious and I dred leaving the house because I fear that people will talk about the way that I look. This is because I think to myself "If my own mother feels this way about me, then what do strangers think when they see me?" People over the internet have told me that I am pretty and I hate it because I know it's not true. These people may actually feel that I'm pretty, but that's because they have only seen pictures of me that I purposely chosen because I don't look as unattractive in them. I should be at the best university in my state right now, but I left because I am so afraid of being around other people. If don't get control of my emotions now, I'm afraid that all the dreams and goals that I have for myself will never come true. I have confronted her many times about this, but all she does is deny it. We got into a bad argument one night and I was so upset that I started to cry and her response to me crying was just laughter. There can't be any counseling or me talking to her about it again because I am 100% certain that she will never change. I just need to find a better way to ignore her. But if nothing, I feel so much better from just typing this out, it makes me feel like I have someone to turn to.
Posted on 09/13/09, 02:09 pm |
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One of my teachers frequently uses the line "God doesn't make junk."
What one person thinks of you does not have to decide what you think of yourself. You are not a mistake, God doesn't make mistakes. You are here for a reason, you have talents, you have abilities, you have worth. Counseling just for you can help you realize that. She does not have to get involved in counseling for it to work FOR YOU. You are very right; she will never change. But you can change. You can learn to believe in yourself. It took you 19 years to learn everything she has taught you about yourself, and you won't unlearn it in a day or a month or a year, but you can in time replace her negative opinion of you with your own positive voice. It can be done. 
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Thank you for that...I know that the things she says shouldn't determine my feelings towards myself, but I've been hearing it since I was a child and on som sub-concious level, I have begun to believe that I am stupid, ugly, and worthless.
Thanks again.
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starfish it is just so so sad that you have such a non caring mother!
You deserve better and need to work at getting away from her nasty negative influence. you have not mentioned siblings or your father? Somehow if you could possibly earn some money to buy the product Pro- Active for you skin, as it really has good results. I had bad acne when a teenager and was also embarrassed by it. I hope you can find some help soon to deal with not hearing you thoughtless mother. Believe in yourself and know that you are not alone.
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Starfish1: the responses that you have recieved are really good ones. From what I have learned, when others emotionally abuse you its either because they are 1. jealous of you 2. believe these things about themselves (projecting) or 3. need to hurt you for their self satisfaction. I had bad skin when I was younger but still considered pretty. i still break out every now and then but that does not take away from the fact that YES I am pretty. Your mom seems to be very unhappy and I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is especially hard when those that love us hurt us on purpose. I would start to write a journal. Free writting if you will. You can even make lists of how you want to feel or do feel about yourself and what your mother says about you. I bet you will have more good than bad. I have a narcissistic mother and she has tried her damndest to make me feel like shit my whole 35 years. But she has a very skewed view of reality and I am thinking that your mother does as well. Seek help, write and know that you are loved! Care for youself and give yourself a break. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
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Thank you everyone, I really appreciate this. I do have two younger siblings, a sister of age 12 and a brand new brother. It sickens me when I think that she'll be treating the new baby like this one day. As for my father, he's not really involved with us.
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Hey there. I know how you feel. My mom was constantly telling me that I was fat and I needed to be on a diet. it was drilled into to me so bad that I developed an eating disorder. I am 40 years old now. I still struggle with it. My mom is still being critical and judgemental. but what it comes down to is you need to live your life for you. It doesn't matter what makes her happy, it is what makes you happy that matters.
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Hi, I can totally relate to how you feel about the way your mother treated you because mine did the same thing. She never told me she loved me. She did say - you have a face only a mother could love - and even as a little kid I'd think - but you dont love me. That line has haunted me all my life and I am old enough to be your mother!
I've always had a weight problem, not obese, but heavier than I should be. She often called me fatty, tubby etc. and made nasty comments about my size. I found comfort in food. Food made me feel better, it did not judge me. So no wonder it was hard for me to get control of my eating. I do think you need some counseling with a professional. You seem to have a huge inferiority complex (like I did) and sometimes a person needs help to get past that. Can you check into that? See if there's a pro you can talk to. Try to get yourself to lay it all out on the line and ask for help. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to get past. It took me a long time to realize I was not the piece of crap my mother had me believing I was. I married the first guy that came along because I thought I'd never do any better, so I settled for him. Bad move. I got divorced and later married an awesome man who got me to realize I am a good and valuable person in this world. Dont let your mother affect you for the rest of your life, make an effort to find a pro to talk to and be honest with that person about how you feel and why. I find these type of forums very beneficial, the anonymity of it works for me. I've worked thru a lot of stuff thanks to online forums, so if you like this place, keep writing in!
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Starfish - There are probably only about 15% of the people in this world that could be labeled as beautiful in the awesome way. Most of them have probably had plastic surgery. The rest of us are normal, average looking people. In my many years, I have found that many of the people I know who are actually very pretty are the ugliest people inside - they are so into themselves with self-love, and they tend to look at average looking people as inferior to themselves.
I would prefer to be friends with an unattractive person with a good, kind, compassionate heart anyday. Our very treasures are inside us, and not on the outside. Your mother obviously has a problem with being unable to see the value of a true heart, and it is probably because she doesn't have one. Never allow her to treat you like that again. I agree with all the others who have replied here. It is up to you to see that you have value - a great worth. You are not inferior to anyone - it is true, God does not make junk!
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Mistyeyed: I agree with you 100%! It is better to have a friend with a good heart than some doll with little to nothing to offer.
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