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His "Brass Ones"
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All I can say is my husband has some big brass balls! After not being able to contact him for 2 1/2 hours last night, leaving a voicemail, sending a text.....he finally calls. He says he wants me to just hear him out. He says his mind is in a bad place and that he is stressing. I totally understand this but the next thing he said hit me in the face like a brick wall! He had the balls to ask me to give him money to go smoke crack! I was speachless for all of 2 seconds then my temper kicked in! I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't threaten to divorce him (crack outweighs our marriage anyhow). In a very calm, self assured, self confident tone I told him the following....verbatum!
"If you don't turn around right now and come home, I promise you, standing on a stack of Bibles, that I will go pay someone to punch me in the face!!! Then I will call the police and swear that you did it to me! Not only will you be in jail by morning, but you will also get all of your back up time (he's on parole) and I will call the jail every day and have you searched so you have no way of getting high in there! Think about it.....your next decision will definitely affect the rest of your life!" I didn't allow him to interrupt. I made him listen, told him I loved him, and hung up! I don't know where I found my "brass ones" last night but they were definitely bigger than his! He called back 2 minutes later and told me he was on his way home. He actually thanked me when he got here. He is still stressing and probably always will but at least this time I stood up to him. I guess what bothers me is that jail time is worth turning around but me and our marriage isn't! I'm going to think about that fact....just doesn't sit well with me! I can feel myself getting stronger when dealing with his addiction (or the choosing of not dealing with it). It just seems like I have lost so much of myself and I'm not too sure how to get me back! Posted on 11/06/09, 11:11 am |
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Good girl. This is about creating healthy boundaries and consequences. And, you will find, the more healthy you become, the easier it is to move on with our life.
You deserve more in life - this is his choice, not yours. Hugs 
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Thank you that was well said.
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Some of us take baby steps ;) but we're finally getting somewhere. I know you were mad but when it comes to crack it seems eventually the cracks wins out. :(
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Can I please ask a very innocent question? By this I do not mean to offend at all. But I am learning about boundaries (aren't we all) and to me the above is yes a boundary but also a threat/utlimatum? Can someone help discuss this further? I think I really don't understand the difference!
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Hayes77 your correct, she set a boundary now should he use again she has to act on that boundary. I don't know if she will but setting healthy boundaries is doing what you said you would do.
It takes time learning how to set healthy boundaries. The worst thing you can do is make idol threats because they know you aren't going to go through with the threat. I think no1citygirl was upset, rightfully so and said what came to her mind. When push comes to shove I said alot of crap I never would normally of said. This was out of character for her so he decided "oh crap I better go home." he's not done using, will use asap. Until he get help this scene may repeat itself over and over until she is tired of it. When all this happens you feel for a short time impowered but it doesn't last. Your running on a kind of high yourself.
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Hayes77, you are correct. It was a threat/ultimatum and it was wrong (sorta) for me to say that to him. I should not resort to underhanded ways of control/manipulation. I guess it really doesn't make me any better than him (morally). I guess my reason for patting myself on the back is for the first time it was not an idle threat. At that particular point in time I would have followed through. I would have had regret later though. I have done some thinking about that whole situation. I do not want to be the reason he goes back to jail. If he goes back I want that to be on him and his actions....not my actions about what he did. Does that make any sense? I did get a self esteem boost because for once I did feel like I had a little control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. I guess those little boosts are needed so I can start to respect myself and my morals like I used to.
Katrinka is also right. I am running on kind of a high myself because I did stand up, but it won't last. The next time he is off and running to the nearest crack dealer my self esteem will be right back in the crapper! I guess it is all just a process of getting sick and tired of being sick and tired and praying he will stop using before I have finally had enough. He hasn't tried to use since the other night and if going by past patterns, he won't until I have calmed down and started to relax.....then BAM! It is a pattern, I am getting very tired, and the lies and deception are getting very old! I just need to reconnect with myself and when I have, anything he does won't really bother me anymore and I will have the power to just walk away.
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I know exactly how you feel. It took me 4 years to be strong enough to ask my stbx addict to leave. I nearly did it last Dec, but it was right before Christmas & I couldn't do it to the kids. I asked him to stay at his mom & dad's for awhile and to get straightened out. I told him I only wanted a seperation, no divorce, I only wanted him to get better...he manipulated me by saying either he came home now (he was getting out of rehab) or it was over. Of course I gave in and let him come home. But that was 11 months ago & in that time I have regained my self confidence & began tuning out his head games. I also began exercising daily & eating healthy. It tremendously helped me to be the person I am today. I finally had enough one day after coming home from work & finding him so high he was passing in and out of consiciousness in front of the kids. He was actually trying to talk & would doze out, it was sick!
Give yourself credit, I know how difficult it is. Listen to that still small voice you have inside and you will know when it is time. I have peace in my heart knowing that I did everything in my power to keep my marriage & family together. I'll be praying for you.
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