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Just ended relationship with recovering addict
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I just ended my relationship with a reovering heroin, xanax, stimulant addict. He is away at school. When he admitted he was addicted to these substances in the beginning of Sept, he told his parents. His mom flew out to his school and got him enrolled in an out patient rehab program. She stayed with him for 3 weeks and got him throguh detox and clean. The plan was he would be allowed to try things out on his own and if he struggled or used again, they would pull him out of school and bring him home. In mid October, I went out to visit him. When I was visiting him, I went to a rehab meeting with him where he disclosed that he had relapsed just 3 days after his mom left! He used for 3 days before getting clean again. Not only did he relapse but he is not doing everything he should be for his program. He has only been to one 12 step meeting (he is supposed to go to tleast 2 a week), does not have a sponsor, plus the rehab program is not drug testing him.
His parents have no idea that any of this is occurring. They are completely being mislead by him. I am struggling with whether I should tell his parents or not. I feel that they have a right to know. Plus, I worry about him because he is clearing struggling. When I was out visiting him, there was so many suspicious behavior. And as soon as I left, his behavior was just "different". Any ideas on what to do??? Posted on 11/02/09, 09:11 pm |
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Hi
That is a tough one - at what point is it not your business? Do you get along with his parents? Who is paying for school etc. - the parents? If the parents are paying then yes I would tell them if I were in your situation. At the very least, you will help him hit bottom a little faster if he is not getting away with duping his folks. I think that you should follow your instincts here. If his parents are paying his way, then they have a right to know. If he is financially on his own, you need to think about it. 
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His parents are paying for his college. They are paying his out of state tuition, his apartment, utilities, food, rehab, pretty much everything. They even have paid for his drugs, not to their knowledge of course. He uses their debit card to pay for groceries and withdraws cash.
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Tell them. You have no obligation to keep a secret of a using addict. And he's not in recovery...by a long shot. They wasted their money and it might do them good to know that they are throwing money down the drain. 3 week out-patient program? yeah, that works. What they do about the information, however, is up to them.
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If you are close with his parents and it seems that they are paying for his school and everything, I think you should tell them. You do not need to protect him or make excuses for him anymore. I have been through the same thing. My addicted husband took out a credit card in his father's name and ran the bill up to a crazy amount. I didn't tell my father-in-law when I first found out because I thought it would be better for me to stay out of it. I did tell him about it but it was a little too late. Even if you feel that it is not your place, it is. It sounds like you have had a long relationship with this guy and his family. It is better for them to find out about their son from you than it would be if something bad were to happen. Good luck to you.
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Thank you all so much for your thoughts! I really appreciate all of them.
Something I am struggling with is, if I tell them they may not want to hear it and therefore nothing will come from me telling them. Part of me, wonders if it is best to do nothing, because if he is not ready to get clean, he won't.
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if you tell his parents, he may just deny it and lie and then they will not like or trust you. you should look out for yourself and detach from him and his problems. he is not ready for a relationship if he is not working on his sobriety. if he keeps using, it will catch up to him and his parents will probably eventually realize it. no one with a bad addiction is ready for college- it won't work for very long. move on with your life if you can. you already ended your relationship with him. it may be too soon to start up with him again. you may be setting yourself up for a lifetime of back and forth drug problems. you deserve better- a normal relationship. good luck.
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I believe the answer was in the first few words of your statement, "I just ended my relationship..." Then let it end. You no longer have any responsibility to anyone in this matter other than yourself. Let fate take it's course and you stay away and out of the picture.
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He won't be able to keep it a secret for long and his parents will find out. I think since you've ended the relationship you need to move on with your life and not worry about what he's doing.
Learning to detach is hard but we have to step back and let addict be responsible for himself. It can be hard watching someone you care for destroy himself but its for the best.
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Thank you so much everyone for your replies! It is wonderful to be able to get this advice. All of the replies have provided very valid things to consider.
Something that keeps bothering me is- if something were to happen to him, I would have a tremendous amount of guilt because I would always wonder if I had said something maybe this would not have happened....
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And...if he chose to do something to himself that would have nothing to do with you. Go on with your life and stop trying to be a caretaker for everyone else. Care-taking is an act of selfishness and not from a genuine character of pure intention. It's all about you and not really about him. It's how you are feeling regarding him and not how you are feeling about yourself. Learn to move past this awful, awful feeling...
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