What is Families and Friends Of Addicts
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In love with a heroin addict...
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I am so last and feeling so helpless. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and this summer he recently relapsed into heroin after an illness that had him taking percocets. He didn't tell me it had progressed to heroin and I found out on my own. I tried sooo hard to be supportive and not enabling to let him know I wouldn't leave just cause times got tough. He started lying about money and where he was and I realized that alot of things he had told me over those few weeks were lies too. Recently, he got a great job and made it sound like he was very dedicated to qutting this horrible stuff. He did the suboxone thing and I thought it was going well. I was seeing no withdrawal symptoms and he was happy and looking healthy. But then last week, he started going places he normally went with me alone and staying gone for hours. He stated he was working late EVERY NIGHT and told me he was lending a friend of his some money cause things were bad. I found out that all of that was a lie as well. He started using and got so mad when I asked where missing money was and if he needed additional help. This weekend, I let my gut feeling get away from me and I started snooping around to find out if his stories matched up. They didn't. I admitted what I did and he got so mad and it just gave him an excuse to push me further away. He won't even be intimate with me because he is so wrapped up in the lie and knows I am disappointed in what the drugs do to his libido. He still won't admit that keeping this from me and lying about where he is and what does are in fact LIES. He doesn't understand why I am hurt and why I feel like I can't help him. I know he is ashamed and doesn't want be to be disappointed, but I can't help it....he is pushing me away. I love him with all my heart and I am scared that I won't stop. He is headstrong and confident in every aspect of his life so he doesn't want to hear all the things he already knows about what he will lose by continuing this. I am so scared to lose him by not doing anything, but I am scared to lose him if I do. I don't know what to do to help him but it makes my heart hurt to see him suffering through withdrawal and being mean and secretive. If anyone has been through this or has ANY advice....please let me know. I am starting Nar-ANON meetings this weekend because I just need some guidance. It is soooo hard not to take this personally. We have slready started making plans to get married and I don't want his to be my life. I need all the help I can get! Thanks.
Posted on 11/06/07, 10:11 am |
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Hi-I read your post and I can relate to your problem. When I was 27 I married a great guy who had been clean for over a year. He had a coke addiction before I knew him. I had a beautiful 3 year old daughter from my first husband. She loved her new Daddy and he loved her dearly. We were a wonderful family for a year. Then he changed jobs, was making plenty of money and also had a ton of responsibilities with this new job. Then all the things you mentioned in your post started happening. Working late, never had enough money,staying out all night. Being gone for days at a time with no word from him.At first I thought it was another woman. Then I thought about the "coke addiction". I would check his arms for needle marks when ever possible and look for other signs. After months of living hell , he told me he was freebasing coke. I had told him before we got married that if he ever started using again I would leave him. I told him that my daughter always came first and I meant it. I moved out of house that day and filed for divorce. Even after the divorce-it took five years for me to finnally realize that he would never change. I always tried to help him. I even put him in rehab-twice -after our divorce. He started smoking crack. He remarried-had a baby girl-and did the exact same thing to his second wife. I had to move out of town to insure the safety of my daughter and myself because of the people he was involved with. I could write a book about this just for you ! My BEST advice to you is to RUN as fast as you can from this man.He will ruin your life. I know you love him but he will make you hate him. You said that ya'll were together for two years-I know that seems like a long time to you now- but trust me-if you stay with this guy-you will look back on this one day and wish you had left him. I wish you the best of luck,because you will need it. You are in a very hard situation because of him. Life is a gift from God. Please don't waste yours.
Sincerely, Susan 
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Do not get married. I am married to a man who I have been with for 11 years, since we were 15 and he makes me hate him a little more everytime something happens. I know what you are going through bc as angry as I get at him, my heart breaks for him at the same time. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that addiction brings. But with that being said, I feel myself get more and more distant because he has literally wore me out with the lies, sneakiness, broken promises and dreams, mood swings, guilt trips... the list goes on. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. Be strong and think about what YOU really want for your life and if he can't/won't do what he needs to do to provide that for you, then you have to let it go. I am in the very slow and painful process of figuring that out myself. Our sex life sucks too and I miss it so much. Hang in there, you will do what is best for you in the end!
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Hun, I am sure that nar-anon will be very helpful. My daughter is a heroin addict and she will be sentenced to prison in the very NEAR future. She has relapsed many times, and she has also been in all of the recovery programs and where she would do good for a while, I guess she still is not "ready" and it has to come from within THEM. There is nothing we can do, and sadly we cannot even love them into recovery.
Please know that there are three choices for our addicts. Recovery, jail or death. There really is nothing inbetween. Addiction is a disease and it progresses without treatment. You are right, he is not doing this "TO" you but everyone that loves an addict will share in those feelings of devastation and loss. We need our recovery to find our serenity, reclaim our faith and go forth with our lives. I hate the disease but love my child more than anything on this earth. You will stop being surprised by the lies. When in active addiction, the drugs are in control and the addict will do or say whatever is needed to keep the cycle of using, going. There is nothing you can do to stop him, but there is much you can do for you so that your life gets better and that you don't become sick right along with him. I am so very sorry for your pain. This road is long and hard, and we all need each other for love and support. I will say a prayer for you, and please do attend your meetings and remember to take care of you. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, without treatment things will only get worse for your addict. They lie, they steal and they do things even they cannot predict that they would do. And they do things they would NEVER of done, clean and sober. ((((hugs))) light and blessings. I am here for you. EllaBlue
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I have been in love with addicts, it's hell to try to affect their behavior. I went/go to support groups. My current off and on is a heroin addict in recovery. I asked him if he relapsed, what should I do? He says to stay as far away from him as possible. I spoke to an ex who was an addict's counselor we saw together, she said to not get involved with people who have addiction, that they'd sell their own mama for dope. Anyway I wouldn't want to see you get legally tied to someone who was not stable or healthy for you. You also made me aware that I put too much FAITH in my situation with my current off and on boyfriend who is in recovery, that just because he's clean does not mean he's well (HE'S NOT). I need to work on what in me draws me into this. There are good support groups out there for people like us. I have been to AlAnon and Overcomers Outreach. Counseling also helped. Please work on changing yourself so you do not have to be dependent on someone else to change for your happiness, he is not GOD ( and thanks for your share it helped me ). HUG
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PS my current off and on boyfriend has been clean and sober 2 1/2 years, Before that (his last relapse) he was clean and sober about 6 years, with a significant other and two babies. Better to count on your own self than to put too much weight on a person or relationship with someone who clearly has some issues you may not want to volunteer to be part of. Point is, we are helpless over anothers addiction. But we do have power over our own lives, and you are not alone!
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google PAWS, post addiction withdrawal syndrome, or Post accute withdrawal syndrome. I find the most common issue with friends and family of addicts is they are not educated about how really difficult recovery is. The most important thing is being property educated so you can make an educated decision about what direction your relationship should take. This is not a time to make an emotional decision based on feelings of romanticism or guilt.
I would also high recommend buying the book from David Richo titled "How to be an adult." You state, you don't want this to be your life.... and you are right... you don't want this as a life. Get educated, make an educated decision and STAY STRONG. God Bless
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I read your post, and it sounds like a replay of my life (a few years ago). I know exactly what your going through and feeling. If I had things to do over (read my profile) I would have left and stayed gone, to atleast BREAK THE CYCLE. I have also learned that YOU cannot change anyone, no matter how much love and support you give them. They have to want to CHANGE!! You are in a very hard place in life, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. ((hugz))
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Getting clean is easy..staying clean is alot of hard work. I am at the 18 year mark and I'm still working the program and battling my own head. My fiance is an addict in recovery also (not clean a year yet due to relapse, jail, rehab etc). My double digits give alot of people hope however I will tell you that this is a family disease and it affects everyone in it and around it. I would love to tell you things are going to be good if he cleans up but it doesn't work that way. Once an addict always an addict. The disease doesnt change the way we choose to react to it does. I choose only for today to be clean. God holds my tomorrows.
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Um, run away fast. This dude, though you love him, needs to take care of himself before he can even entertain the idea of getting married. It doesn't get better quickly. And, seriously, even if he gets and stays clean--he will always be an addict--there will ALWAYS be a chance that he will relapse. Over 90% of people who try to get and stay clean, fail. It totally sucks, but its true. This will be your life if you marry this dude, even if he stays clean. You will still wonder "why is he late tonight? is he out using?" I've been there. Don't marry him until he has had several years of sobriety--at the very least.
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Hi hun, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
I was involved with a heroin addict myself a few years ago and it was a living hell... in and out of detox... lies, pure pure craziness. At the same time, I understand how hard is it for you to leave him. I've been there. I can't really tell you what to do, no one can. The only thing I can do is share my experience with you. And my experience was pure hell. Ellablue's answer is awesome. She really knows what she is saying. This disease is awful, I have it myself and I can tell you that he's not gonna stop lying and hurting you. Not because he wants to do it, but because he is a very sick person. But if sometimes you feel bad for him, try to remember that you didn't cause this disease, you can't control it or cure it. The drug is in total control of him and he will push away everyting that comes in between him and his drugs. I was told the same things when I was dating my ex. I didn't listen though. I thought.. drugs cant possible be more powerful than pure love... I was so naive... I got crushed, crushed.. I almost lost my mind... and like you are saying, it was so hard not to take everything personal. What is going on has really nothing to do with you. YOu're just trapped in the sick circle of the disease. If you can, get out, if you can't do it right now, I think it's great that you are starting to go to Nar-Anon. I went to Al Anon and I can honestly say that that program saved me. Just try to focus on yourself, not him... try to remember what YOU want, what YOU need. People involved with addicts are so focused on their partners and their disease, that they forget to take care of themselves... And one more thing: if you are hoping that he's gonna get better... IF he does, it will be a very long process. There's a lot of drugs out there, but heroin is the worst of them all... Unfortunately very few recover. The ones who do recover, have to be very serious about their recovery, he would have to go a detox, then halfway house, maybe sober house after. No one gets clean just like that... on the street. The drug is too powerful... Good luck to you and if you need anything, please know that I'm here. I know what you are going through. Please take care of yourself.
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