Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Going going gone. I guess I really am really bad.

You will most likely never get back the money, my AH has never made a real effort to pay back any money he "borrowed".
You boyfriend has to work on himself now he doesn't have time for a relationship he's doing good staying off drugs. It is true alot of places don't let them have visitors for the first few weeks but then after they can have visitors on the one day a week when they have visiting day. Some people don't want visitors they are learning and dealing with feelings they haven't felt before because of the drugs.
As for you. you have to build a life not so focused on what abf is doing and learn to focus on yourself and children. learning to set boundaries which means don't give him anymore money. I've been where your at and its hard. We are waiting for them to get their crap together and in the mean time they seems to be oblivious to our feeling. But addicts are selfish and their road to recovery is selfish to which they have no choice.

I have to agree with everyone. Someone here told me they always do good in rehab because it's the thing to do there.
It sounds crazy but actually I hadn't really thought about that till she said that to me duh. She excels in everything she does except dealing with life now.
Even if it is free for him you should be able to go visit, no one knows he is there free, and your a visitor.
Go to meetings and get some support there, Trusting is a long hard road I find. They do have to prove themselves but your never quite sure...thus your on edge.
Start looking out for you so you don't mess up what your trying to do for yourself. I know it sounds easy but were all in the same boat or have been a time or 2 or 3....Stay strong!!

I live with a very deceptive untrustworthy man. He is the King of liars. It will make me leery of any future relationships with any man. I don't believe the part about why you can't visit. It is a lie. They are good at that. Call there, ask if you can visit.

Why not save yourself all of the aggravation and separate yourself from him so that he would find peace and...you will, too! To live in this type of existence is both foolish and definitely unhealthy. Isn't your life worth living without him?

You can't give money and have an expectation of having pay it back. If he does then great. But your only beating yourself up mentally. Give him the money as a gift to help him get better. Support his effert. It is so hard to do this, I know. But when you learn to let go of all that frustration you can see a little clearer. You were engaged to this man. You loved him. Maybe you feel he owes you something. He really doesn't. Love is free. What he has done is in the past and you have to find a way to let that anger go. Write it down and then read it for a few days. If you still feel that way then send it to him. He made an effort to change his life. It may not include you, but if your willing to stop fighting it then maybe you can see where your friendship will lead you in the future. You say they are lying about you being able to see him...maybe they are trying to protect his treatment process by not allowing you to bring up your needs at this time. I am sorry if I am hurting your feelings. But give him time. Give yourself time. Work on forgiving yourself & him. Blessings.

I don't understand the no visiting either. In fact, a lot of rehabs encourage the "family" to visit...as there are issues there too. Of course, you don't trust him. My ex was told he had to rebuild the trust...by paying me back and being where he said he would be when he would be. No way you will immediately trust. He's lost that. As for you, work on you. Go to meetings. Get support. You say he hasn't tried to get you back.....well, why are you involved then? I would not expect undying love and devotion at this point...but it doesn't sound like he's interested in this relationship. For now, he needs to focus on himself. I know it's hard...but try to move on.

I know that this is going to seem like a strange question to ask - but - what type of hobby project did he buy? Was it a model car or something of that nature? If so, they come with special adhesive and also with spray paint - the spray paint can be huffed - sprayed in a paper sack, the sack is put up to the mouth and nose and inhaled -slang term "huffed" which gets you high. The adhesive can also be huffed. The rehabs normally do a search of the addict and what they bring back after an outside pass, but there are ways and places to hid it. I am not trying to put more undo stress and worry on you, but this is not uncommon for addicts to do while in rehab. I wouldn't have contact or discuss anything with his friends - it's none of their business and who give's a fat rat's ass what his friends think or feel. Trust is earned, many times taking years for the loved ones to trust the addict. I don't buy the you can't visit him thing - first there is the HIPA or something like that act - patient privacy act. So how would other patients in the rehab know that he is getting his rehab free - none - someone is giving a line of bs a mile long. All rehabs want the family and loved ones of the addicts involved in their recovery, group meetings, visiting, not only for the addicts and their loved ones, but also so the staff in the rehabs can interact with the familes, along with observing the addicts and their families behaviors. You need to concentrate on taking care of you, all your worry, stress, what if's are not going to change whatever happens when the addict get's out of rehab. Just as the addict is addicted to drugs, the family and loved ones become addicted to the addict - drawn into all the hoopla, drama, manipulation and control. His rehab and recovery are his, he is given the tools he needs to stay clean and sober, it is then up to him and only him to use those tools if he wants recovery. The sooner you learn to let go, and stop the what if's and mostly the hoopla and drama, the sooner you can recover. You are allowing yourself not to recover. Get into alanon.