What is Families and Friends Of Addicts
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professi...
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please help me with this.. my ex husband did horrible things cheated, stole, lied all for his crack addiction. during our 4yr marriage he was a good man but when he relapsed he was a stranger. there was another woman and he ended up doing drugs. i dont know if he cheated before or after on drugs or if that even matters (not sure why but it matters to me).. anyway she was out of the picture as fast as she was in the picture. this all was months ago and i changed my number and have had no contact with my ex. he went to jail and now is out and clean and here comes the part i need help with. he is trying to get in touch with me, wants to talk to me, he says that the worse thing that ever happened to him was losing me.. what do i do? i still love him and so don't want to love him.. (does that make sense).. how can i love someone who treated me like dirt. after months of struggling my life is finally coming together... what does he want!!!! i didn't choose any of this and he really didn't lose anything he threw it all away.. we worked so hard to get where we were and he let it go for a whore and crack... please someone say something that will give me the strength to not look back......
Posted on 10/25/09, 08:10 pm |
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Are you ready for the not trusting, the worrying if he's staying clean, if he's lieing..........
Because trust has to be earn. I watch a movie this weekend and it had the 80/20% rule for marriage. I thought it was a great rule. http://www.sulyapinoy.org/poems-es... 
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Basically its really hard when you love someone...sometimes you have to go through something a few times to realize its not for you. BUT if you do decide to go back there you have to take responsiblity that if things go bad/he starts using again you knew the possibilty existed. You just have to decide if its a risk worth taking. You def should talk to him and set ground rules...i've heard of people doing contracts with their partner ie. if you use, u must move out of our home, u manage the money/household expenses until you feel like you can trust him more, using is immediate grounds for a divorce etc. It kinda sucks but you will have to approach the relationship differently/protect yourself and he may resent you for this but its not your fault...BUT most important trust your gut if you really feel in your heart he will probably use again STAY AWAY its not worth the heartache, headache and stress....Be strong, you will be ok :)
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If you want strength to not go back, read my journals, you will see what might lie ahead.
Trust is something that once broken, is very difficult to get back, especially if the person is an addict. They cant even trust themselves. And a few months oe weeks clean is a drop in the bucket. How do you even know he is clean for sure? Of course the worst thing is losing you, he had it made! now he has to fend for himself and has nobody to clean up his mess. Addicts are extremely good manipulators, it will be difficult to tell what the truth is - are you willing to take that risk? Is he truly working a treatment program? Have you gotten help, whether it be Alanon, counselling or some other intervention? Have you read up on the cycles of drug addiction? You need to, before you can really fathom the uphill road he still must take, even if ready to change. Hope that helps.
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This is typical addict behavior. They are lazy. They don't want to work at finding another enabler or sex partner. Besides, he knows your hot buttons and how to pull on your heart strings. He says, the worst thing that happened was losing you.... if you go back, he hasn't lost you and will only learn he can do what he wants and you will take him back. Please go to Alanon and/or counseling. having him back in your life, will be "your" relapse.
Hugs.
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if he wants to show you commitment to sobriety, he needs to do 90 meetings in 90 days. see the post in Discussions about this. it is not too much to ask. don't fall for typical addict BS. plus, to truly work on sobriety, he needs to put sobriety first, and relationships after that.
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You are finally getting your life back, and I envy you for that
as I am still with my drug addict husband and father of my 3 children, I have kicked him out, and let him back when he "cleaned up" and without fail, he has relapsed each and every time, I have recently been considering just packing up and leaving with the kids because I want my life back. I think my advice to you (and yes, I guess to myself) is that you need to put YOU first, love yourself more than him. You deserve it more than he does. You only get o e chance at life, do you really want to look back 20 years from now, and resent the fact that you wasted your life babysitting s grown man? Especially when there is someone else out there who will love and respect you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. When you finally find yourself in a happy loving relationship, you will ask yourself What was I waiting for? Good luck, keep on being strong and remember there is no good in looking back, keep looking forward to your new improved, happy healthy life!
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Boundaries....set them high and hold strong to them!!!
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