What is Families and Friends Affected By Suicide
Suicide affects not only the individual, but also the family and friends who provide support and love. This community is offered as a place for those affected by suicide to gather ...
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MY dad
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my dad commited suicide in 1997 and it still effects me today,he came to see me at work the day before he died and wanted to talk,but wasnt upset and seemed fine, being a nurse at the time,i couldnt stop to chat as it was so busy that morning,i said to him i would come over to visit him the next day,and he was fine with that to,i said i was sorry i couldnt stop to chat to him but i would see him the next day,i kissed him bye and went back to work...it to be the last time i ever saw him alive again,he gassed himself in the car early the next morning,the guilt i have over that day never ever goes away...every fathers day,his birthday ,christmas,....i had therapy over the years,it helps for the short term.i have a gambling addiction and i get anxiety and depression,i often wonder if all these things are associated,and if things were differrent would i have been to????
Posted on 10/31/09, 07:10 pm |
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I am often not politically correct. Life is full of pain. We all have our own individual thresholds of how much pain we can take. It takes strength to handle pain.
Your father stayed with you until you were a nurse. He did as much as he could. And then he was done living. It wasn't about you. It was about him being worn out from his pain. He stayed with you until he couldn't bear the pain any more. Now he has peace and rest. I am staying alive today so my 90 yr old mother doesn't have to live her last years alone. When she goes, I may decide to go. I've had enough pain, sex, drugs, rock n' roll, wives.... At some point I may decide I don't want any more pain. You father loved you. That's why he came to see you. He still loves you. He was just worn out from the pain of living. You need to know that he is with you and still loving you, but from a place we haven't yet gone. He lives on, but not in this painful world. 
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It saddens and horrifies me that his suicide still makes you feel guilty. My husband completed suicide Dec.22,2008. I understand your feelings of guilt. As for what seeker said....it does not help me when someone says it wasn't about me, it was about his pain. We are the ones who are left to deal with everything for the rest of our lives. We all have things to deal with in this life, suicide is not the answer. Of course things would be different if you had not experienced the loss of your dad to suicide. I hope you find the support you need. Prayers for you, Debbie
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personally, i think many survivors feel guilt on and off thru the years. yes, cognitively, i know my sister killed herself due to mental illness (and it was awhile ago, when the SSRIs weren't yet available) - but she was my sister - it's totally human to feel personally rejected. if suicide is both a rejection of life, and also embracing death - well, i was a big part of her life. i don't often feel guilty now - her death was many years ago - but no one, no one has a right to judge your feelings.
it's hard to say if your own struggles are due to his death - but does that matter - only you, with help, can address your own demons. i see that you've had therapy over the years - have you also talked with a shrink? there are medications that can help. if your dad dad was struggling with depression - don't want to scare you, but it's not uncommon for the next generation to have the same biochemical vulnerability...............just some thoughts.
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