Families & Friends Affected By Suicide Support Group

Sometimes mental illness is compulsivness and impuliveness. Sometimes we do to much for people and they cant learn to live on there own. Sometimes they figure out what they are doing later in life and decide that its really not what they want or should be. It sounds to me like no matter what he had it was never enough and probably wouldnt ever be enough to satisfy the emptyness he felt.

My brother took his own life Christmas day 2011 and he seemed to have it all. He was a vibrant and independant person and it still wasent enough.

To answer your question , Yes I get mad at him at times , but in the end it really only is effecting me. I have so many questions left unanswered and the big one being WHY ? I think that is what really makes me mad the most and that he left a 4 year old son behind with a mother that isnt fit to raise him.

Just know that you and your husband did everything for him that you could and there was absolutly NOTHING you could have done more to change the outcome of his life/death. People that are not mentally Ill dont commit suicide.

You need to really find some kind of help for your feeling . It can be through a priest, a friend, a councilor, the bible , or even just meditation. Dont let this anger eat at you any longer. PLEASE

Hugs and best of luck!

I find that I get mad at everyone, not just at my son's father. I'm angry at him for what he did to me, to our son, to everyone around us. But I'm also angry at others for a multitude of reasons.

I think my anger is safer than wanting to cry all the time and I can control it. I think that if I were to give in to the sadness the way I release the anger I feel, I'd probably become catatonic.

With the anger, I can express myself much more succinctly while the sadness is almost like being stuck in a thick mud within my mind.

I'm sorry you're feeling conflicted about your emotions, but everyone says that whatever your feeling: relief, sadness, anger, numbness - it's all normal. I just wish it were possible to still feel normal.

I have been to counseling. I know the anger is debilitating. It wastes energy and emotions that could be put to more constructive use. I want it to be that way. I want to maintain a positive outlook. I am sorry for the losses we suffer. All of us. We would not have chosen this path for our lives if we were making the decisions. We weren't. I read the most profound thing the other day. "they took the answers with them" and that is true. We have the questions and they have the answers.

I am not a hard hearted person. Quite the opposite in fact. I am compassionate to the extreme. I see the pain in my husband that isn't going away and I hurt so for him. I can't help him any more than I am at present. So, I get angry. I hurt no one, other than myself I suppose, by my anger. I certainly don't talk about it with my husband. This confidential forum is as far as it gets. It helps to blow off steam I guess.

First, I'd like to comment on something said about "doing too much for them". There was a short time (months) when, after two hospitalizations, my daughter began learning to cook, did her own laundry, cleaned her room, went places by herself (mostly Wendy's or Domino's, her favorite junk food), etc. Then, she crashed, A psychiatrist told me in January 2010 she would "never be able to do anything except sit in front of that computer". He told me to set aside ALL expectations. And he was right. She was profoundly mentally ill and even though it DID show, she was capable of acting "normally'. That man who sold her the shotgun she used did not SEE a mentally ill person.

Don't judge. Mental illness doesn't always produce ravings and obviously hallucinatory people. There are people who are profoundly ill and the only ones who really know it are their psychiatrists, IF they're lucky. Suicide is not the result of selfishness, of lack of love or compassion for those who love you; it is an act of desperation, a giving up, a profound hopelessness. Walk in his shoes for a month. You'll know, then.

There's nothing in this world that's worse than losing a child. Your husband lost his greatest love, his son. This is a pain that will not go away; there's no "getting over" it. One has to make peace with it, with God's enormous help and support of good counselors and loved ones. It takes time to do that, and hard work. When your child dies, especially by his/her own hand, there's a part of your soul that dies with him/her. There's a permanent empty spot at your side. You blame yourself, you ask why why why, and yes you get angry at your loved one: "How could s/he DO THIS TO ME?" But s/he did not DO THIS to you, to me, it was a final act of freedom from torment.

Anger is a blind for pain. Better to suffer the pain, with the help of a certified grief counselor and/or psychotherapist, than to allow oneself to turn one's pain inward (depression) or outward (undeserved hostility). This boy wasn't what he appeared to be. His father carries a lifelong wound, he will take it to his grave. Compassion, affection, empathy, support...that's what he needs.

Thank you, Elzeena. I appreciate your comments and I agree. I hurt as well for his loss. Our loss. I loved my stepson. I loved him dearly. That didn't stop me from being upset with him in life. It probably won't in death either. Each person has a different story. We share the same pain, heartache, grief and loss. I understand my darling will carry this to his grave. We all will. My husband's dad already did.
My stepson has a daughter. She is now 8, she was 6 at the time. We have seen her four times in the last 20 months and always supervised and for less than 2 hours. So......there is that pain also.
There are always tons of factors and emotions that go into things like this. I maintain, my stepson was not mentally ill...except for that few minutes it took to make and carry out his decision and that's all it took.

The natural greaving process are..

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Tends to be a whole new ball game with suicide. But I think the process is still the same just more complicated.

I've known people who live like that (always a check behind) and it's not a fun or comfortable way to live.

I imagine that he did wish that he could have lived like you and your husband. That much is true. It really doesn't matter how much money you make, some people are always behind, and others are always ahead.

Actually I have never been angry at my mom for killing herself. I think it is because I understood why she did it and maybe because I want to do it to. Also she didnt have any relatives other than me so no one else was hurt by it.

So sorry for your loss. Please dont be angry with him. I suspect he had a pain and emptiness inside that everyone in his life was unaware of. When they feel that way its almost impossible to put those feelings into words to another human being. He just wanted to kill the pain. He didnt know how to ask for help.

I know because Ive felt that way off and on all my life. I struggle every day to not end the pain, only because I know I will hurt everyone I leave behind.

Please just try to be grateful for the good times while he was here.

I have never been angry at my son for leaving this way...
I understand the great pain he endured and know it myself..
I do not agree that suicide is a selfish act..
suicide happens when the pain it takes to stay is greater than the pain it takes to leave!

I tend to agree with a lot of what Ellzeena said..

the compulsive spending your stepson had was most likely a part of the illness..my son had it and I also have it...
we try to fill up that gaping emptiness in our soul...it doesn't work!

No one knew my son was depressed and suicidal in the family except me, until I told them he was suicidal, and they didn't believe me..
his friends thought he was attention seeking! I think he finally got their attention!
no one suspected at his work place until he died...he seemed ''normal'

Those with this illness become very good at covering it up because, I believe, of the stigma that surrounds it...

Compassion and empathy are paramount when someone is suffering so much they want to take their lives....also for the parents left behind....your husband will need heaps.
only another parent understands the pain a parent feels from the loss of a child this way..
don't mean to offend but that's the way it is.

If your stepson had made some bad life choices and was being compulsive as you said i would think he would've had some deep inner pain
people don't usually, just out of the blue, take their lives for no reason..
anger is a normal part of grief ..i hope you can work through it without it destroying you..take care