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Daggers or Suicide Grief Relief?
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My older sister, Cheryl, committed suicide 7 years ago. She was 29 years old, with four children. I am in no way, shape or form relieved from grief. I suffer constantly; it's just a matter of how much each day. I have never sought after professional counseling because most of my feelings are my own demons that I have to battle... I have to go it alone, is how I feel. No one can really lead me down this road.
Here is what I need help with, after 7 years. I finally decided to contact Matt, her boyfriend at the time. I have contemplated this many times, but was never quite ready to hear what he had to say about her final days. But I feel like I am ready now. I contacted him last night via facebook, and asked him what her final days were like that lead to her "decision" to take her own life. He responded almost immediately. He told me that he too, for the past 7 years has been weighed down by his grief. What could he have done differently? (we all know their relationship was a contributor). He said that he has ultimately destroyed his life and has been working on rebuilding it for all the people he has let down. Matt told me that he will write out everything in as much detail as possible. That some things will be hard for me to hear, but he is willing to tell it all. He is going to send it to me tomorrow. I told my boyfriend about my revelation and he insists that I talk to someone before reading this letter I have not yet received. I am fully prepared to take on whatever content it may have. I searched online and decided to ask you. The real experts. What would you do? I no doubt will read whatever he sends me. But I promised my boyfriend I would get other opinions first. So I need them quick, before I ultimately, possibly, end up unraveling all the strands of grief I've sewn back together? Here is what I know for sure: 1. I have to accept Cheryl's decision to commit suicide 2. I have to accept that "not living" is what Cheryl wanted 3. I have to accept that she either DID or DID NOT think about how much pain this would cause for me, my mom, my brothers or my younger sister, her 4 kids, or our very close extended family. 4. I want Matt to tell me things about her final days that I did not know (I don't know much, I only speculate). I have felt guilt, remorse, regret, for how I treated my sister at times. My BIGGEST guilt is that she called me on January 1, 2005 (3 times). She left me one voice mail. I was in the middle of moving so I did not answer the calls. I went to listen to her voicemail and prompty deleted it thinking "I know her routine voice messages". I deleted the message without even listening to it. I have no idea what she said. It was my last change to hear her voice, talk to her, listen to her pain, give her hope. It was my last chance, and I blew it. She reached out and I failed her. This guilt has carried with me since day 1. It has gotten better because I know, ultimately, I could not have controlled any of her decisions. Ultimately it was all up to her and I cannot hold myself responsible. She committed suicide on January 4, 2005. She hung herself by a ceiling fan with a scarf. Please give me your two cents on your thoughts before I read what Matt has to say tomorrow. I will be checking your responses very often for guidance. Thank you. L. Posted on 08/18/12, 12:52 am |
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You've made an enormous mistake by refusing counseling. You are trapped in the early stages of grief because you are dealing with it alone. This is a form of self torture! If not for my TWO therapists, I would not have come this far in my grief journey, this I know without doubt. A certified grief counselor, especially one familiar with suicide (and many of them are), can drill into your mind the etiology of an illness that results in completed suicide, can drill into your mind your complete lack of blame, can help you come to terms with the fact that your sister was quite ill and that this was not a 'choice', this was the only way she could get out of intense suffering. Mental illness isn't what most people imagine it to be: these are not "raving maniacs", they are among us, appearing normal, and only those closest to them have even the first hint of a serious problem. Some mental illness prevents the person from even understanding that s/he IS mentally ill. It's normal to wonder "How could she have caused me so much pain" but, the fact is, she didn't do this with anyone in her mind except the horror she faced every day. To stop for one moment and consider the results on others means some form of rational thought, this is not something a seriously mentally ill person has. Bipolar disorder is a terrible disease, it is enormously punishing to live with; schizo-affective disorder is equally horrible. Neither of these present with "raving maniacs" as pure schizophrenia might. There are people living apparently normal lives who struggle with the horror of these illnesses and sometimes life just becomes too hard. Not everyone can survive this world, there are people who are too fragile.
Do yourself a huge favor: find a grief counselor. You are suffering needlessly. Yes, you will always remember, love and suffer some degree of grief for your sister's especially tragic act, but you don't have to carry this level of grief for as long as you have. You can recover and live your life. Please: do it. 
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I say read the letter, but have someone else there with you. All of us left behind by suicide wonder if we could have done something/said something to have prevented the death. Who are we to think we have such power over others?
As far as your items 1-4: 1 - I agree with you; it was her decision, even if that decision was made by a mind impaired by mental problems, drugs or alcohol. 2 - I doubt very much that she did not want to live--more like she didn't want to die but was willing to do so to be free of the problems/heartache she was experiencing. 3 - I don't think you, the kids or family was in her mind in the last minutes of her life. This is something I've read and researched on my own, and I sincerely believe that your sister loved everyone the same as always, but at the time could only focus on the negatives in her life. 4 - I think you may feel better after talking to Matt, but be aware that Matt may not know any more than you do about her real reason. So there you go--advice from a total stranger. But four years ago, I was there too. I did not avoid a call from my boyfriend. I was actually there with him the day before he died. I knew he was depressed, but I had no idea how bad it was. He seemed tired and he had strained his back the day before, but otherwise, I saw nothing significant. Its a pity you did not talk to your sister that day, but she may have not divulged her plans. I hope you take the advice of others and sit in on a SOS meeting. I certainly helped me.
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First I would like to give you my condolences,I can say I know how you feel . I have recently (Aug 2011) lost my brother he was 17 , I was 32 ,even though there was a huge gap in age he was my best friend .with the loss of my brother and best friend I did and still do feel helpless. I saw several medical professionals and councillors who helped me only a certain amount with the grief and issues I carried and still do .My best advise to you is when you read the responce is to have a friend or loved one with you to help you through the process,which may feel the way you did at day one , when I finally brought myself to read the note my brother left it opened emotions that I did not expect ! Getting this information from your sisters boyfriend will be extremely painfull but may be just what you need help yourself move along further in the process of grieving! I hope all the best to you and hope this part of your struggle move you forward !
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Hi Lora, I lost my brother to suicide 8 years ago and it took me 7 years to get help. I loved him more than anyone and he was my only sibling.Talking to a suicide grief counsellor is so different and so much easier than any other psychiatric counselling. They are so supportive and have so much insight to what happens to us after such a trauma. They give you tools to start healing and to live again. I wouldnt read the letter till you talk to a counsellor and see if its a good idea after they evaluate where you are at and if you can handle such a letter on your own. You dont need any added stress. My brother had problems with his girlfriend when he died and it does not help me cope knowing this. It only makes it more painfull, and since I couldnt hear his side I didnt want to know just her side. I know there is hope for you because I had an argument with my brother days before he died I never got to say sorry and the torture of that was unbearable till I got help and learned to let it go. I also pray a lot for God to heal me and He does everyday. Bless you and may you find the healing you need. Hugs to u.
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