Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group

2 years ago my brother "came out of the closet" ever since he came out i have had nightmare after nightmare, not because my brother is gay, but because my brother is a gay man living a dangerous highrisk lifestyle. My brother is using exctasy, ghb, chrystal meth, special k, anything that he can get his hands on.

Last night i woke up in tears.
In my nightmare my brother was calling me from his hospital bed telling me that he has full blown H.i.v. in my nightmare my brother tells me that he has to busy partying getting high and having fun to of made the time to of gone to the doctors to get a blood test..in my nightmare he tells me that he thought it was just the flu.

I've had other nightmares of the police coming to my door to tell me that my brother has been found murdered at a drug house cause some guy that was in a drug induced pyschosis has killed my brother.

I've had nightmares of my brothers body being found in a garbage can because he couldnt handle that last hit of E, G, or K. Some one didnt care enough to try and save him to try and preform cpr and call 911,cause they were to screwed up on drugs, because he doesnt mean the world to them like HE DOES TO ME. My brother is my bestfriend.

I know all to well the harsh reality of where drug addiction can lead a person and how dark things become in that persons life (the addict's) and the effects of addiction to the families of the addicts.

I started smoking cigarettes at age 12 and weed and drinking then i started doing lines of cocaine by the time i was thirteen i was smoking crack. I lived a hard scary dangerous life. I lost my soul for a long time. I went to jail, i stole cars, i did home invasion's, and robberies, i ripped off a big time drug dealer, i dated drug dealers, i sold drugs, i dated a pimp and i was eventually groomed into prostitution. I didnt know he was a pimp until it was to late.
I was trying to fill a void and i started seeking attention, validation, love, self worth in all the wrongs ways, from all the wrong people. I started using drugs to numb my self and to stop seeing all the beautiful colors of my world, i felt worthless, ashamed, guilty, numb, i felt alone. I was angry at the world and i pushed all my loved ones away I became unlovable. Uncontrolable unmanigable.
No matter how out of control my world became, my FAMILY never walked away !

From the age of 5 till 12 years old i raised my brother, my Mother was removed from the home for child abuse when i was tweleve. My father was trying to pay the bills car payments telephone bills cable bills, electricity, food on the table clothes on our backs diapers for my brother and a mortgage. I became the little mother. Changing diapers, feeding bottles laundry, making lunches, dinners and so much more. I kissed my brother boo boo's better when he would fall of his bike. I beat up kids in school that would pick on my brother.

I will fight for my brother till my last breath, NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES or how bad his drug addiction and lifestyle become. I will never walk away ever. My brother has become a complete stranger to me. His behaviour is irrational,irratic and totally out of character. I know with out a doubt in my heart and in my mind that my brother has done unsavoury "favours" in exchange for drugs, love and affection, all to fill the same emptiness that i once tried to fill.
My brother's current boyfriend, let the cat out of the bag while he was talking on the phone, i overheard him setting up a trick, a date, sex in exchange for money, my brother's boyfriend's face turned beat red. He looked right at me. Not to long ago my brother was bringing random guys home for random encounters. I am afraid that my brother will bring the wrong guy home. My brother has personal ads on craigslist with his picture's. I personally dealt with a so called friend that came across the pictures whom had appaling durogurtory comments about my brother. Our house has been egged and damaged

I believe that my brother is at very high risk for alot of really bad things because of his drug use and his constant promiscuity. There will be NO SECOND CHANCES for me to tell my brother how much i love him and how much he means to me and so many other people in this world. I want my brother to ALWAYS know and remember how loved and valuable he truly is. If my brother ends up dead because of the life he is living the beat in my heart will be gone.

If anybody EVER dares to tell me to give up and walk away, or that my brother has done it to himself, or my brother is an adult (26) he can do what ever he wants to my response would simply be screw you go to hell. If thats your advice and what you would do for your precious loved one good for you. Best of luck, i hope it all works out. I am different i am ME as an addict from my PERSONAL experience aside from enabeling an addict be it financially, emotionally etc, cutting an addict off completley is the VERY worst thing to do..i think anybody that does such a thing sholud be ashamed of themselves. I AM alive because my family never gave up on me. Alot of my friends that didnt have families to fight for them overdosed or comitted suicide or have been
murdered.

I am truly concerned for my brother i dont know what to do anymore

Thank you for letting me vent i really needed to
Posted on 10/16/09, 12:10 pm