Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group

Hmmmm.. There is a lot going on here. Mixed orientation relationships have very unique challenges. You probably would find it helpful to talk to others in similar situations. To do this you may want to google the following: 'mixed orientation marriage' and see what resources come up. I know you are not married to this man but the emotional journey and questions are similar. Here is one possible resource: http://www.straightspouse.org/ They also have an online forum here .. http://www.voy.com/86426/ I have not visited it before so I am not sure how active it is.

You do not mention in your profile whether you have a religious background or not. If so there are other resources I could refer you to.

Take care,

Dave

I would just be there for him. Try not to rush him into figuring out anything. In time, he will come to terms with his orientation and let you know how he feels. When he is ready. He can still be like a father to your children, regardless of whether he is gay, straight, or bisexual. Do whatever is best for you and your children. But also try to be there for this man. It could end up being one of the best friendships you've ever had. I am gay and my best guy friend is in love with me. We can't be together but I do love him like a best friend or a brother. And when he has children I will love his children. I'm sorry you have to go through this... But hopefully it will get better soon. Message me if you'd like.

When people tell you who they are, believe them. You've had evidence all along that this very special man has a mixed sexual agenda. To discount his history and consider him straight was the ultimate denial on your part. Though I'm sure what the two of you have is special, it will never be special in the way that brings you to the exclusivity and permanence you need as a heterosexual woman. If you proceed with this relationship, you will need to accept the boundaries and limitations implicit. The relationship he has forged with your children is authentic and should be preserved, if possible. You need to decide what's ultimately in you and your children's best interest. It seems as though he is clear as to the direction his life is taking him. That he is qualifying it with ambiguous and unclear language is the least stand of his failing defense mechanism. Continue to care for him, but cast your affections and desires in a different direction.

This is very interesting. I have been wondering about people who are bi. It seems they can have a relationship with someone for a long time, but I don't know if that desire to be with the other sex ever goes away. I worry about that. I mean, in a straight or a gay relationship, you are getting the same thing basically sex-wise. But the other sex is a different game. People don't "get over" being gay, it is who they are. So how can they switch? I truely don't understand and wish I did.

kate-
I don't think the desires go away. My boyfriend is bisexual and we deal with sexual issues all the time. And it's not really about "switching" its about what you desire. You can desire both at the same time! Just like if you were eating ice cream and you like both vanilla and chocolate, one day you might want some vanilla, tomorrow you might crave some chocolate, but you can still like both equally. Horrible analogy, I know, my apologies. It made sense in my head...

As for solo- I agree with eclectic in that you need to cast your desires elsewhere. If he has left you to live the life of a gay man, the best you can do is stay supportive and be there for him. This will be a tough time for you and for him. Good luck!

Mine hasn't left me, he's left men. But I don't know if it will stick. I fear he will want something else later.

Just want to share what I learned at a PFLAG meeting several years ago. (I am a straight mother of an adult gay daughter, and also have a gay sibling)At this meeting were two women who had each married men who had a gay "past". These guys had been "rehabilatated" through counseling, etc. and married, had children, and were supposed to have become straight. Well, about 10 years and 3 kids later, each guy suddenly announced to his wife that he really was gay after all. As you can imagine, these women were ANGRY and I don't blame them. If I were you, I would definitely go very slowly with this in trying to figure out who your friend really is, and being realistic about what to expect from him in the future. laurabp

Run for your life. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, I'm a woman and I know what it's like to be in love, but I have to be honest, run for your life while you can. If he was straight he would have never experienced in the first place. I may be a little blunt about this and maybe even close minded, but, have witnessed a life of suffering by a family member, and I can tell you she stayed in the marriage because she was in love, and in the end, at the age of 50+, he left her for another man. I wish you the best and God bless you.

His problem is that he doesn't know exactly who is is yet, he is still exploring himself. But that is separate from your problem.

You need to decide if you can handle it if he turns out bi or gay. If you can't, run like hell.

If you can, then just be there for him.
Give him time and space. And if it turns out that being gay is who he truly is: accept him. Be friends and enjoy what friendship to a gay man has to offer you.

(My guess is that moving in with a gay friend is his way of getting a ticket into gay culture and other viewpoints, I obviously don't know, but just because they moved in together, doesn't mean they are sleeping with one another.)

I'm sure there have been updates since you first made this post. But that's my advice.

Hearts,
Owl

I am a 45 y/o old man. I was sexually abused by my own father for the better part of a decade of my youth. It still haunts me today.

I struggle with this label thing. Is he Hetero, Bi, or Homosexual? Not everyone has my abuse history but I have to tell you that there is, according to Kinsey, a sizable portion of gay children who suffered male sexual abuse, and/or report homosexual feelings as a child. Does that mean he is gay forever. No. Some adults report having floated between having sex with men and women during their youth and later adulthood.

In my opinion you are talking about the wrong thing.
If you really want to know what is in a mans heart you need to ask him where he is emotionally. Where does your emotional love rest? For me it was always with women. That is where I felt most complete...whole...calm...and comfortably honest in my heart.
I had sex with a boy as a boy and it felt great! But anyone can have sex. For a man and a boy the act of sex is mostly a mechanical physical thing. You rub and grind enough till you cum and reach orgasm. Some men--who are not in touch with the emotional side of sex--automatically think that if they can get an erection with a female and ejaculate, that means they are straight. But in my experience, having visited both sides of this fence, that is not always true.

I know that I found my peace--my truth--outside of the bedroom. I knew in my heart that I loved my first wife (she died) and later my wife-to-be (I've not officially asked her yet) in the quiet...still moments of everyday life. Like:
1) In the garden holding hands.
2) Away from her for any length of time.
3) Talking with her children or watching her from afar.
4) Quiet moments together but separate like read on the couch.

In these times, I found my I found where my secret heart lay. I discovered that my victimization as a child had no hold on me any longer. I found that I was in love with emotional love first, and gender and physical sex second.

There are different kinds emotional love. The emotional love you have for a man is different from that love you have for a woman. Why? That's a spiritual thing.... I cannot explain it. It is a feeling of spirit that one gets, it is a sense of peace that comes over you suddenly while changing the shitty-smelling-God-forsaken-cat-litter-box. You just fall in love with it. Its like the first time your newborn son pisses all over you and you thank God for the pleasure. If you haven't had the experience, I'm sorry for you.

I find that the love that a man and a woman have is ordained in the spirit and has little to do with biology or preference. I believe you should read this comment to your loved one and ask him direct questions. I wish the best for you. I will keep you in my prayers.