Euthanasia Support Group

It all still feels like a dream, but I can recall every last second with unshaking clarity.

It happened too soon. It wasn't supposed to happen that soon. I was supposed to have 2 to prepare to make such a horrible decision - life or death. But it happened.

Gavin was sick and not getting better, we were at the doctors several times in September - for his check up, to the specialist to discuss the possibility of SMA, back to the peditrician because he had a cold, and we were going to go back again because he wasn't shaking the cold when it happened.

He stopped breathing for the first time on the way to church with my Mom and Dad, I was getting ready for work, when I got the call from the ER.

They said it wasn't pnuemonia, he'd be fine, the pediatrician would be in to see him, and then he'd go home. Then things started happening quickly, he was staying blue, the nurses were crappy, I went to work because I couldn't miss and quickly left when I found out how bad the hospital was.

Suddenly the no pnuemonia and going home of the ER doctor turned into a lie. He was going to the PICU, we were staying the night, and he was having more episodes.

There was so much testing until the genetic study was done, and all that was left was the question - when the time comes do you want to save him.

The answer was yes. The answer was always yes, but my definition of salvation wasn't a machine forcing his tiny body to breath. It wasn't bruises and pain from so much CPR. It wasn't living with a feeding tube, while his muscles slowly rotted inside him.

I prayed so much, and ask so many questions of the doctors, but it probably wouldn't have mattered what they said. I didn't want to see my baby suffering for my expense. I didn't want to make him feel that he needed to live for me.

So, I let him go, and I held him and rocked him and sang to him as he slowly slipped into his next life.
Posted on 12/29/06, 04:12 am