What is Endometriosis
Endometriosis is a common medical condition where the tissue lining the uterus (the endometrium, from endo, "inside", and metra, "womb") is found outside of the uterus, typically a...
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Socializing with endo/pain...
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My DH and I have been having some arguments about this topic latly.
He feels that I isolate myself and do not bother making friends and also hate it when he goes out with people. I rarely will go with him. My point is that with constant pain, I do not bother making new friends now because 1) rarely are people nice enough to understand on an ongoing basis - although they pretend to at first, after a while they get angry when you cancel plans etc. and think you are a jerk and 2) it is near impossible to MAKE friends when you are constantly in pain, so at home most of the time. I save all my strength to go to work (where I work with miserable 50 year olds, so no hope of making friends there). When I do manage to go to something with my DH, I always feel I will ruin it, because my stomach will act up if I eat or drink, or I will need to go home if there are not proper chairs to sit on etc etc. I know he is right and my life has become limited and lonely at times. On the other hand, I feel like I am powerless to change this and I get angrier every day that i cannot do the things I want. I play music and have not been able to go to a bar and do this for years. I simply cannot spend a night drinking, nor can I stay up until 2 am at a bar uncomfortable. This makes it so my one hobby is ruined by endo as well (I play at home and write music, but to an audience of my DH only). Just wanted you guys to weigh in. He is kind about it and understands the pain, but at the same time, I get the impression he thinks there is something I can do about the isolation, but I see no options.... Posted on 11/02/09, 12:11 pm |
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Hello :)
I know what you mean about not being able to make new friends - as people are not always understanding of your limitations and difficulties due to endo. And, mostof the time, you are in too much pain to even go out, let alone be sociable. It's not much fun. But, we make thehings :) Take Care! 
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hi utah
one of the first things i do when getting to know anyone is tell them that i have endo. either they accept it and the limitations that come with it or they can leave. TRUE friends are those that will be with you through thick and thin and the same goes with marriages and relationships. if..for some reason they "cant handle" what comes with endo thats just an excuse to leave and they didnt want to be in a relationship period! good luck sabrina
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hi Utah,
why not show him exactly what you have just written ? i am totally sympathetic about the friends situation.. no matter how many times you tell them you are sick and it is debilitating, they some how forget a few days later.... sometimes even minutes later ! x0x
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I do have a few wonderful friends who have stood by me no matter what (unfortunately, they all now live out of town, and my best friend moved to another country!).
My husband is very easy to talk to, and I did discuss all this with him. I just felt like another perspective/some input from you guys. I feel like no one I know understands how I feel no matter how much I explain. Although my sister and husband support me wholeheartedly and know how horrible endo is, unless someone lives with day in/day out pain, I just know they cannot comprehend how hard it is. I have wondered if volunteering might help. When I have made friends, I find I often get very bitter towards them if they have no idea what hardship is like (for example, I try to make friends with my DH's friends' wives and get irritated with them after discovering they don't work, but are perfectly healthy...stuff like that). It is hard to get close to people when you meet them so ill and bitter already. thanks for the input guys.
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Utah, I think you'e a great friend to the ladies on the forum. You have researched the topic of endo and always have good advice for us newbies.
Its difficult to socialise or be cheerful when you are in pain. I experience it for one week every month and everyone I work with can tell from my face that I'm in pain. You will find true friends who will understand the limitations that people with endo experience and luv you for the special person you that are. Hugs!!!
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I understand your dilemma, but maybe DH has a point. If you don't want to go out, that shouldn't handicap him. Make more of an effort to go out since you'll be in pain whether at home or away. Once a month, go to a concert, out for lunch with friends, or hiking with them. It may breathe new life into you. I know what you mean, about people thinking you are making excuses if you must cancel. I made some great new friends at a local support group for chronic pain patients. They do understand. But I have so much fun with these kindred spirits that I rarely cancel!
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ChronicIL - it is funny, you sound exactly like my husband....
But the problem is...I can't think of ONE activity other than sitting on the couch/laying in bed that I can do. I can't hike (I have severe sciatica from adhesions somehow), I can't shop because that entails walking for hours, I can't go to meals/dinners, because I am on a wheat/dairy free diet, I cant go out for drinks, because I don't drink or the endo pain gets too bad, I can't go to bars, because I can't stand for a while (which I tried to do even without drinking and bar stools KILL my sciatica). I have a couple friends who don't mind sitting around the house with me listening to music. Other than that, I can't think of ONE activity or hobby I can start that doesn't involve standing, walking, eating, drinking alcohol..... You are totally right, I shouldn't limit my husband and I try not to, but I feel like when he is out his friends and coworkers are thinking "What is with his creepy wife who never shows up?" When he does go out, I am trying hard not to...but I get very jealous and angry. I admit that to him and he is aware of my reasons for it and that I try to control it.... I guess the answer is to really enjoy alone time. I do love listening to, playing and writing music, so I do that when I am not working. To be honest, if I didn't work I think I would have the stamina to do all of the above things at least occasionally.
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hey utah
be thankful for what you can do ;-) i wish i was able to work, instead i sit a home just about everyday and paint teapots and cups and saucers this keep me very busy and i do also sell them witch always puts a smile on my face lol. i havent been able to go out for the last 3 years i dont drink, i dont dance (only at home) i do try to make light of the situation but thats not easy. and now since we live half an hour out of town it is hard on me to travel into to town. i do have a good group of supporters and they understand how i am, but they too find it hard watching me suffer. its not easy at all. we just have to try and remain positive and have a smile on our dials lol (easier said than done sometimes). why not try and have friends over to your place for a bbq or a dvd night ? i wish you luck
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I should clarify - I actually CANNOT work, but I force myself to go in each day and have avoided going back on disability through acupuncture and pure determination. I am in severe pain 24/7, but not working means no maternity leave and I would lose everything (my apartment, etc.), so I have no choice but to go in each day.
I am a little offended by the comment 'be glad for what you can do'. It is not competition, I am just looking for some similar experiences, as I know you gals don't mind the occasional pity party and I love to hear how you handle things. Feeling less alone is really a good way for me to keep my spirits up.
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Utah, I know exactly what you are going through! I have found myself happiest when I just stay home, it's easier, for me and everyone else. If I go anywhere I drive myself, that way I can leave when ever I want. However, this doesn't work when I want to watch my husband play in his band, he works far away sometimes and I can't handle the drive much less staying out till 4-5 in the morning. I use to play my bass quite a bit but that makes me want to start up my own band and I know for a fact that I don't have it in me. This depresses me and I don't talk about it very often because it hurts to. I have a hard enough time having that "closeness" ( the intimacy kind ) with my husband, I would love to be able to have a night that we "jam" together like the old days.
Lately, I have been having a problem with "anxiety", I'm not sure if that is what it is but it feels like a sense of "urgency" that starts right away in the morning when I wake up. I catch myself saying aloud, " GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I have no idea what to make of this, maybe I'm loosing my mind!!! I even dream like this, where I'm sitting in the middle of a large round table and people are approaching all around me and I tell them to, "GO AWAY!" I know I'm taking a chance at sounding like a crazy person, I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling alone. If you ever need to talk... Stay Gold!!
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