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Discussion:
VERY concerned Hubby - severe Endo mood swings
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Hello – I’m new to this group – as you can see this is my first post! I’m hoping (and praying) that someone out there may have some answers for me. My wife was diagnosed with severe endometriosis in her early teens (now 40) and has suffered terribly ever since. She was told that there would be a very slim (almost impossible) chance of having children but as miracles happen we had a child 6 years ago. We were led to believe that the endometriosis would ease after giving birth, but it didn’t. In recent years it has got worse for her and after numerous visits to the hospital she is now facing the option of a hysterectomy. When I met my wonderful wife (9 years ago) she told me about her endometriosis condition, but I suppose like most men I had never heard of it before and didn’t really understand what it meant.

I’ve tried to support her the best I can through our marriage but in recent months I am beginning to feel the EXTREME pressure of how it affects others. I obviously realise that what my wife has spent her life going through is extremely painful, stressful and demanding and not for one moment could I ever suggest that I know what she is going through because I don’t! It’s the mood swings that I cannot get my head around and I worry that maybe I am the problem and our marriage is breaking down BUT I simply just do not believe that theory and I really think there is a connection with the endometriosis condition.

Every couple argue, some more than others and I am just an average guy with no drink / drug / gambling issues – just someone who wants to get on in life and enjoy his marriage. WHAT I AM ASKING HERE IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE, MAYBE ANOTHER HUSBAND OR A ENDOMETRIOSIS SUFFERER THAT CAN TELL ME I AM NOT IMAGING ALL OF THIS AND THAT WHAT I AM WRITING COULD BE CONNECTED TO MOOD SWINGS & DEPRESSION? Here’s an example – I sense that her period is due, she starts suffering headaches, sweats and lack of sleep. She bleeds heavily for weeks (although at the moment she is on the pill). She goes from a happy person who is fun to be with to someone I don’t even recognise. I tread on egg shells for days and then something trivial triggers a VERY negative reaction. Her mood completely changes – she shuts herself off from me – often rude (not swearing or violent) – very very cold towards me (and sometimes others) and seems to suffer for days. I cannot get through to her, anything I try to do triggers more anger towards me and I wonder why I am been treated with such little respect when I love her dearly.

I’m not the perfect husband, just average as I say but I’m very emotional and sensitive which I think is one reason why I hurt so much when she is going through her bad times. Please don’t get me wrong as I realise what she is going through must be 100 times worse than what I am experiencing but I am going out of my mind – I can’t talk to her when she is like this – I don’t know what to do and it mentally hurts me so much. Is this normal for partners to experience from severe endometriosis sufferers? Thanking anyone for your answers in advance…
Posted on 03/13/14, 09:33 am
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Reminder: This is a support group for Endometriosis. We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.

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Reply #1 - 03/13/14  1:03pm
" I don't know if maybe it's just the hormones, but when I am in pain I am a raging BITCH. I don't mean to be, and sometimes I feel guilty before the words even come out of my mouth. Pain turns me into someone I don't know, and I don't like her either. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but sometimes I am just so sick and tired of hurting all the time and pretending that I'm not and I just snap and start lashing out at people who don't deserve it.

Has your wife looked into excision surgery? A hysterectomy is NOT a cure, and many women go on to still suffer symptoms afterward. Pregnancy doesn't cure it either, although I suppose you found that out the hard way. "
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Reply #2 - 03/13/14  3:52pm
" I'm new to this group and new to having Endometriosis, but I can tell you that when periods hit, the pain get 50 million times worse. I am not one to be in a good mood or want to talk to people and really all I want is an understanding heart to help take care of me and just be my comfort. Depression IS side effect of endometriosis. Imagine having an incurable disease your whole life with no cure and every month what should be an empowering womanly experience turns into something torturous. It is not an easy thing to deal with and can often make the person having it depressed. I suffer with depression because of my endometriosis.

If you can't talk to her when she is like that, then don't talk. Get her a heating pad, turn on her favorite show, get her something to drink, rub her back, rub her stomach, rub her feet, do anything to let her silently know that you are there for her and she is not alone anymore in her struggle. "
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Reply #3 - 03/13/14  4:42pm
" sounds like she's lucky to have a guy who is willing to go online to a predominantly female group and ask for suggestions!!!
if you are willing to go that far to be there for her i hope she is continuing to take action and seek help for herself as well, either physical for the endo or psychological (antidepressants or whatever are not a sign of weakness and some even are said to help with pain). acupuncture can be very helpful as well. hope that helps somehow. "
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Reply #4 - 03/15/14  2:52am
" Kudos to you. You sound just like my loving boyfriend. In times of pain and agoney i lash out too. It's just because we want it to stop, we get tired and frustrated that we have no control of our bodies and therefore our lives at times. The pain makes even simple tasks you enjoy difficult. The suggestion about being a silent listener and supporter is a good one. A back rub or a shoulder to lean on. Also, antidepressants and working with a doc to make sure her horomones are in correct balance is helpfull. At the end of the day its just because we dont feel well and cant seem to find a nice way t express it all the time.....sorry and thank you to good partners like you. "
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Reply #5 - 03/15/14  1:34pm
" Hello! I give you credit for taking the initiative and being proactive! I am 38 and was diagnosed with endo when I was 26 years old. My husband is amazing with me and my endo however mine is very well controlled with using the birth control pill continual, I never stop the pill and have a bleed so that basicaly shuts off my endo completely and I live a pain free life. It was miserable when we tried for a baby for almost 2 years, horrible, totally different person. You said your wife is on the pill, maybe the pill she's on is making her moody. There are lots of pills out there and it's basically like trying on clothes, sometimes you have to try on a bunch before you find what works for you. They all have different mixes of hormones so some are better for helping if you are moody, etc etc, it's just finding the right one. Maybe you can sit down with her and just let her talk about how she feels what upsets her about her endo. Tell her you're trying to be supportive and helpful and say you have noticed patterns and say you want to help and see what she says. Maybe she's really tired and just feels resentful having to do stuff around the house maybe if she's feeling like ass that day. You won't know until you ask. Maybe if you're getting emotional she's sitting there thinking you need to suck it up becase she's going thru something way worse int he moment and maybe she's not up for your drama at the time. I'm not saying you are being dramatic, I just know when I don't feel good, I'm not up for too much shit from anyone and it will set me off. Sometimes it's better to just shut up and don't say anything. Just empty the dishwasher w.o pointing out you did it or run an errand for her to be helpful w.o being asked. Sometimes it's just sitting her town, putting her feet on your lap and rubbing them for her if that's what she likes.

I do believe that the husbands suffer at times but it's part of the partnership and having a sick spouse. My husband is amazing, leaves me alone and doesn't badger for sex, I initiate when I feel like it which takes pressure off me. I know after having endo for this long and dealing with it when we were trying for a baby, the sheer and total helplessness I felt. there is another support group called endo resolved, you might want to join there as well and post to get some other view points. Like I said, if you catch her on the days when you know she's having a hard time and crabby, the best thing you can do is just be quiet and helpful, that's never the time to get into a discussion, when we feel like shit, often times we're mustering everything in us just to get thru the day and try to do our normal routines, anything extra just isn't necessary during that time.

Hope this helps! "
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Reply #6 - 03/15/14  4:37pm
" I agree completely with the silent supporter. My boyfriend sometimes will rub my stomach, and it feels really good in times of need. Don't say anything. Just know she's angry about the pain. I can be really mean to my boyfriend sometimes, but i love it when he gets me my heating pad, or makes me some dinner. I try and repay him when i'm feeling better. It's good to have somebody that admits to not knowing much, but is willing to learn. It's never fun to have somebody try and judge your pain. Offer to go to appointments with her. I'm sure she would very much appreciate that, if you don't already. Coming onto this site was already a huge step. If you're patient, i'm sure everything will work out for you. "
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Reply #7 - 03/15/14  5:40pm
" I absolutely agree with what's already been posted. When I am having bad days I can turn into a pretty ugly and nasty person. I don't mean to, and I honestly should probably just tape my mouth shut those days because I have said some pretty ugly things to people-and my boyfriend usually ends up with the worst of it. I am so lucky and so blessed to have him though. He is amazing and should be awarded some type of medal for putting up with me.

Just keep supporting her the best way you know how to. Trust me, it DOES mean a lot, even if we don't show it, and sometimes it's the littlest gestures that mean the most. "
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Reply #8 - 03/16/14  1:35pm
" When that pains hits, your world stops. All you want and can think about is making it stop. You want to participate in life but can't and that's frustrating. You can't fix it and neither can she. Just be there for her. Know that it's not you. I don't know about your wife's symptoms but, at my worst, I hurt every day of the month. No breaks. None. My legs hurt on top of feeling heavy and tired. It also felt like I had a bunch of little people on the inside squeezing and tying down my organs. I can't move without pain and I have to make sure there's a bathroom nearby. At my last lap, I had organs held together by scar tissue. She really needs to seek out a trained surgeon and doctor. Birth control isn't always an answer especially if it's the wrong kind.

As for you, you know who your wife is and endo does not define her. Just be there. Know she's not mad at you but frustrated that she feels like she can't manage this and life at the same time. "in sickness and in health" "
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Reply #9 - 03/17/14  11:46am
" First, I commend you for joining the group & posting. Your wife is very lucky to have such a supportive husband! Second, you are not alone because my husband, as supportive as you, seem to not be able to deal with my moodiness lately. You are not imagining things. Although all of us suffer in many different ways, I'm sure that all the women can agree with me that the pain does affect our moods. I know for me, I feel very frustrated because it seems that I cant control the pain & the meds are not helping. I just start to cry or yell & unfortunately, 9 times out of 10, it's towards my hubby. I agree with a lot of the posts. Just be there for her. Knowing that you are there to turn to probably makes her feel better despite her actions. "

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