What is Endometriosis
Endometriosis is a common medical condition where the tissue lining the uterus (the endometrium, from endo, "inside", and metra, "womb") is found outside of the uterus, typically a...
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Endo causing relationship issues w/my husband
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I have had endo for a long time. I started having problems when I was 13 & was of course told by my general practitioner that it was just "normal cramps" take a Tylenol. When I was 19 the problems started getting worse, my doctors kept trying to find out what was wrong but they were just trying to patch up the side affects. Two years later, two days before Christmas, I ended up in the emergency room thinking my appendix had ruptured or something. I was able to get into the emergency room & collapse at the nurses desk. I found out that a large cycst had ruptured on my right ovary. I went to 3 different obgyn's & finally the last one diagnosed endo.
I feel that I have been pretty lucky with it. I have talked to others with way bigger problems than I have. I have managed to handle it without further surgeries than the lap it took to diagnose me. I do not take pain meds as I hate the side affects. For 8 years I kept things at bay with birth control pills & did pretty good, ingoring the diahrea, cramps, painful urinaion & bowel movements during periods. I run a small business at home, am looking to take a college course to become a Medical Transcriptionist. I have two children & take care of my family & my home to the best of my ability. The problem: Though I am having larger issues with my endo for the last 8 months, (every month i have cycsts rupturing on my ovaries) I feel I do pretty well in dealing it. I keep going & do the best I can. My husband appearently does not agree! He constantly tries to get me to help him with his jobs around our place, construction on our rental unit, hauling coal for our coal stoves. I get chewed on for not having his laundry done every once in awhile. I get chewed on all the time for not being able to have enough sex with him to keep him happy. I don't have enough energy to keep him happy, I'm not "chipper" enough for him. I'm not the fun girl he met. I try to explain to him how I feel, that I do after all have a health problem that causes me to not have all the capabilities of a healthy 33 yr old woman~HE TOLD ME I AM "LETTING MY MISERIES GET THE BETTER OF ME"! For the record: He knew about my endo before we married~I told him immediately to avoid the "I didn't know you had problems" episode. I never hid the fact from him. He does not physically abuse me. I believe he does love me. I have no suspicions of him cheating. I do not want to leave him, He's a good guy but he just doesn't want to deal with this at all. He says there are "no problems~he's fine"! However, I am starting to feel alone & misunderstood & emotionally...overrought & empty at the same time! I have offered to go to counseling with him. To go see my specialist with him so he can hear from someone other than me that I AM NOT FAKING THINGS OR TRYING TO GET OUT OF DOING WORK! I have offered to go talk to our minister with him. HE WONT GO~THERE IS NO PROBLEM! I don't want to leave him, we have, or should I say, had a good relationship before my endo started up bad again. Really, I thought endo was tough to handle but I cannot take my husband dissmissing how I feel, trying to get me to do part of his work for him when I can barely accomplish my own, pestering me about sex all the time & telling me I'm "overdoing it" when I occasionally wince in pain for a few seconds without thinking! What am I thinking, wincing in pain? I suppose I am supposed to stay perfectly erect & act as if nothing is going on when it feels as if someone just stabbed me in an ovary with a hot poker? DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVISE FOR HANDLING HUSBANDS WHO JUST WANT TO INGNORE THE ISSUE ---OTHER THAN LEAVING HIM? I am tired of feeling like it's all my fault & I should just act like there is nothing wrong with me or him! Someone? Anyone? Posted on 04/09/09, 01:04 pm |
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Oh honey! *Hugs* That stinks he's not supportive as you, I, and "we" women in general would like him to be...has he read or been educated on what endo does to your body and how it makes you feel? Maybe it really does bother him to see you suffer but because he's a man and men believe they have to "fix" everything and your physical discomforts can't really be "fixed", then maybe he feels at a loss and instead of expressing that as genuine concern for you he's unfortunately taking it out on you.... I wish I had specific advice but I just wonder if he truly understands how bad endo is! 
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Thanks so much for your understanding advice~I feel better just hearing from someone who doesn't think the best thing is to ignore my problem!
My husband is not much for "education". He does not like to read, unless it's car magazines or something of the sort. I've tried to explain to him but he is not interested. Any ideas where I can get a video about endo? I would try that if I can get ahold of one.
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My husband and I have fought quite a bit about my health problems. Endo and migraines mostly. I get really frustrated when he is not sympathetic or doesn't display it the way I want him too. He says that he doesn't know what to do and is frustrated that I feel so badly so often. He "knows" its not my fault, but occasionally slips into blaming me for not taking care of myself, or overdoing it, or sometimes, the opposite, if I have to spend a day in bed, he gets frustrated too. We have a great marriage overall, so we try to work through this. It is hard for me to see his side too. But I can imagine that if he were sick all the time, I would be frustrated too.
He's not that good at talking about it either, but has said he's willing to go see a therapist together. We haven't pursued it yet due to the cost. But maybe you could convince him that a counselor would be helpful for both of you to deal with your health issues. Sometimes bringing it up at a time when there is no problem helps, rather than in the middle of an argument.
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Hunnie if you are in pain, you are in pain! End of the story! He needs to understand that having endo can effect soo many different parts of the body! My fiance and i have been together for almost 3 years.
Hes 19 and is soo very understanding about what i go through. Im on danazol so i have a lottt of side effects on top of pain every now and then. If a fully grown man doesnt get this and a 19 year old does, he needs to go to the counseling or dr appointments with you! He is being ridiculous!! The only reason I am doing so good with my endo now is because he pushed me to go back to see about treatment cuz he wanted me to feel better! Maybe he is just worried about you and because he cant do anything to take your pain away he is frustrated and it comes out on you in that way.. I dont know..
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Hi! I fully understand what you are going through! I was just finally diagnosed on 03/25/09, I have know for years myself that I had endo but these doctors would not listen. Over a year ago my husband and I started having major problems due to my constant pain, I had to do evereything around the house with no help from him, I just could not do it anymore, we did separate for 8 months, but we are now back together. Since my surgery 3 weeks ago I can see he is trying to help out. What I am doing is trying to get him to read about the toll endo takes on me and everyone around me. We did try marriage counseling, did not work. I think when I asked for a separation he realized what he might lose. So I am not telling you to leave your husband, try counseling or try to educate him about this disease.
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Oh sweetie, I feel so bad for you. I have a boyfriend that while did not make me do actual work around the house cannot fathom the emotional aspects at all. They cannot understand because men never have to even have periods, much less understand the things that can go wrong in a woman's body. And the typical response is to ignore it and hope it goes away. Can you get him to take you to a doctor's appointment ? From there the doctor can always have an informal "chat" to help him understand. I know this is sneaky, but this is what made my boyfriend see the pain. There were 2 other women in there with their husbands who had hysterectomies and were younger than me. They were talking about pain and everything they went through. It made an impression on him. I hope things get better. Take care of yourself and your kids. If he doesn't get his laundry done he will learn. He is a grown man. I hope he comes around.
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I am so sorry this is causing problems. Although he needs to pull it together in terms of getting help and understanding things, I do know that being a spouse of someone in chronic pain is often confusing, upsetting and probably exhausting. My husband is incredibly understanding, but he has said before that he is confused as to what the pain is, or why I am unable to do things. Luckily, I can explain it to him.
is there any way you can convince him to speak to your doctor with you? Is there any way you could maybe convince him to read a few paragraphs online about endo pain, or about being a spouse of someone with endo? I have seen sites with this information.....I think he might be unable to express the things my husband is pretty good at explaining. He sounds like he is not a bad person or abusive, just unable to properly support someone with a chronic pain illness. You might want to be clear to him that endo does not magically disappear and that he is 'in it for the long haul', so finding a way to get by is the best bet. if after everything he insists you are being 'dramatic' or insists on you doing things you are not capable of, you might have to just be the bitch we have all had to be at times. I seem to have this problem with doctors and work, where because I do not freak out 24/7, they think I am making up the pain when I do complain. I have had to tell of HR people and say they have no clue how bad it is and they will have to accept what my limitations are. I have found that if I am clear about my cycle to my husband it does help. I mark off the week I will be unable to function on the calendar and then he is not trying to clean out a room and ask for help. I have even sat down and explained the exact pains (ie 'it is like a knife in my abdomen') and when they come and go so that he is aware. I have lost my temper before and had to admit that the chronic pain was the reason (but also had to apologize and say that being in pain doesn't make it ok to be miserable). I hope this helps and you get some answers/support from him!
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here are some links I found online:
An article on how spouse can deal with chronic pain: http://www.ehow.com/how_4484356_sp... This is a doctor talking about pelvic pain and how it works (it is only 5 min, so he can take that amount of time to watch): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG_...
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hmmmm this really bugs me men that behave like this what if it was them in pain every damn day.i have had my fair share of horrid men to the point where i use to get beaten up cos i couldnt have sex. luckily for me i now have a wonderful and very supportive husband. if i were you i would have already done my nut at him for how he is treating you. does he not understand that his treatment is probably making you worse.
have you thought about writting him a letter explaining everything in your letter like how the pains feel , etc. i have done this many times with husband when i just find it too hard to talk and he reads and then cries and then we talk. could be worth a shot. good luck hun
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Hey, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" means exactly what it says. Is he being so critical because youre in pain and he doesnt know what to do to make it stop? Perhaps he doesnt know how to express it and this is what comes through?
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