Empty Nests Support Group

Hi Momof..,
I don't think your expectations are too high. I think that teenagers are a bit scattered and caught up with the different aspects of their lives.If something has to "give", I think it is often us, because they are secure in our unconditional love.I also think that boys are a little more guilty of this behavior than girls (I have 2 of each).My daughter(19) is glued to her cell phone and it is very rare that I dont get a response within seconds (even at school!), My son, on the other hand is not as reliable (think HUSBANDS and males in general). How many times do men unwittingly make us weep with unreturned phone calls, forgotten whatevers, etc? Our sons are part of these guys, no matter how close we are, I find.I think it will drastically improve with age. There is just so much competing for their attention right now that we are often placed on the back burner because we will forgive them and love them anyway.They don't quite "get it" how important it is for us to spend time with us.Maybe we never will totally get over the loss of our past relationship with our sons.I miss holding my children in my arms and sleeping cozily with them in my bed. I will miss it the rest of my life (not that I think of it every day), but we have to carry this inside ourselves as we move forward, for what choice do we have? They don't need our presence quite as much now as we do theirs and that hurts.I guess that's why there are boards like this one, where people understand...

I feel the same way. I feel like I am going through a grieving process. My daughter got her own apartment to live close to school. I just worry about her all the time. How do you let them grow up. I cant let go. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I have to older children already gone and married and I don't remember it hurting this bad. She is a good kid, but it all that is going on in this messed up world. She does things that really hurt me. For instance saying I can't come over to her apartment, that just kills me.

Hi ladelaw,
I don't remember grieving my older 2 in the same way either, but then, I had joint custody with my ex, so they were always coming and going. Then I remarried and had 2 more.That must be hurtful that you can't go to her apartment.Can you not tell her that you really would like to arrange to visit her there sometimes and that you would never just show up unannounced?

Thanks for your response hockeymom2. You have some incredible insights. My son always apologizes for his inconsiderate behavior and I realize I'm not #1 in his life anymore but it still hurts....and ladelaw...is it your 16 year old who moved to her own apartment? My son shares an apartment with 4 other guys and he doesn't want us to come because it is such a filthy mess all the time. He knows I would freak out, because he can hardly stand it. Could that be why?

Hi, Momofone-

I dealt with the questions of communications between nesters and their kids at college just today on my blog (emptynesta.wordpress.com). I ran into an article warning that too much constant communication can be detrimental to the development of a child's proper independence. I wonder if this isn't your son's way of asserting himself a bit? Doesn't change that it HURTS, but perhaps it's healthy for him.
I'm dealing with the other extreme,and wondering what THAT means, but something tells me-eventually-that we'll both meet in the middle soon! Cheers!

I have two grown sons, and I can say that if there is a lot of distance starting in college, it will only get worse as your son moves through the stages of his life into a marriage.....we all want to see our sons have what they desire, if it's marriage, or if it's staying single....but, one thing for sure, when a son steps into a relationship, their role is so much different than that of a woman....their role does not allow them to pick up the phone to just check on their parents, they are too worried about getting bills paid etc.....many women seem to be able to juggle all those things and still have this maternal concern for their parents...not so with sons and I raised my boys to be as normal and caring as any others.....I know there are exceptions to every rule, but I remember when my sons were very young, I heard the expression, "A son is a son till he takes a wife", and I can tell you that is such a truism....they are not the same people we knew ...they become different people and their parents are not always allowed to be a part of their life.....I have watched over the last several years how my daughter in law, who, I loved very much, has swayed my son to spend more time with her family than his own.....the worst part is what it does to you and your spouse....the two of you have had this son in your life all those years as a primary focus and suddenly it's gone.....It has nothing to do with mothers who don't want sons to marry...I think we all as mothers want our sons to go out and procreate and bring us beautiful grandchildren, but what I have found is that when I was needed as a babysitter, they were more interested, but once they moved further, 25 min drive on a bad traffic day, they never bring them around......My younger son is not married yet, but will be next year, however, he is also busy with career and spends very little time with us......It is such a rude awakening as a parent, that it makes me wonder what I did with my life.....why did I devote it to people who forget where they came from....forget that I still have feelings for their safety, their childrens love, etc.....My advice to anyone out there who is considering having children, please discuss gender options with doctors....I do know that if I had a daughter right now, I would be doing so much better emotionally......had I a choice as a young woman, I would have sought gender assignment.....and made sure that with two sons, I had a third child, a daughter....we as mothers of sons would love for him to pick up the phone and tell us how their day is, and what the kids are doing, and how life is....but it doesn't happen, so anyone of you whose child is in college now, try to start a dialog with them about your feelings, so that my situation does not happen to you....I didn't mean to come in here today, I was seeking information for another person and saw this group.....I didn't consider myself an empty nester because I was fine until this last year......I haven't had a child living in my house for 6 years.....why the delayed reaction is beyond me, but I think it has to do a lot with the location I am in, and the fact that my husband works so much.....and my children consider the 25 minute drive to be a burden......I hope that someone can get something from this and figure out a way to prevent their son from being so caught up with their life, they forget their parents....I believe if I had talked to my son way early on in life, this wouldnt be happening.....I never saw it coming.....good luck to all of you moms who just want to be in thier sons life.....why do mother in laws get such a bad rap? We don't want our daughter in laws to not be with our sons if they are good people, we would like to embrace them as well......

I hope you're wrong BJO25...sounds like you've endured quite a bit of pain and I'm sorry for that. I try to be positive in all circumstances and hope and pray for the best outcome...and I realize it's not all about me...but we share our hurts and disappointments here.

Yes DearMom I hope that in your case, you get to avoid this kind of situation that I have been dealing with....I have had a lot to deal with in this last year with relatives health issues and loss issues.....so maybe I am more sensitive at this point in my life....I wonder if being open and discussing your hopes with your son would ensure that you never have to go through missing him after graduation....I didn't have that problem when my oldest was in college.....so for me it seems that the distance comes much later when they become parents. I guess I was just surprised recently by this situation because I always wanted to be a part of my parents life.....I thought that was the natural order for everyone....you just continued to be your parents child.....that is why I am feeling that it is more a male child issue....I loved every minute of raising my son's, but it I could take back the last 20 years, I would go to the doctor and say, I would like to have another child, but would love to have a daughter....is there a new inventive way to ensure this to happen? There was old wives tales that went around for years about methods to ensure having girls.....I think 3 would have been a wonderful size family for me, and having a daughter may have balanced out my life somewhat...I do believe that women do better in mid life with daughters....I see my daughter in law's mother enjoying her ability to spend time with all three of her daughters in different parts of the country....not so much her son though.....it must be so nice to be able to visit your child and feel completely welcome there...whereas, there have been times I don't feel that with my daughter in law.....I have done everything I can think of to keep our relationship good, but she seems not interested based on the fact she has a mother, and needs nothing of value from me...that is my take on it.....but I still make myself available as often as I can to be there for my grandsons, who I know adore me, and that is such a blessing......I believe in open dialogue with sons to express your need to always have them be a part of your life....even if that means, just calling to say hi once a week.....maybe the younger they are, the easier it will be to discuss this with them....I have a younger son who is more considerate about calling when he travels etc.....but the older one doesn't seem to understand the concept.......I hope you always have your son close ....we as mothers deserve to have our childrens love when we have given so much to them in terms of our love and concern....

I was so happy the other day when my son said he was coming home for the weekend. Oh, he says, I'm not really coming to see you, I'm coming to see my girlfriend. He was home for 48 hours and I saw him for 45 minutes, and yes, it made me sad, because it's quite obvious that his life has changed and he's grown up and my place in his life is much lower on the totem pole than it used to be. But at the same time, he is making new friends at his university, and enjoying all that it has to offer. So if I only get 45 minutes every month, then I will have to learn to live with it, because he isn't "mine all mine" anymore, he belongs to the big wide world, and it wants him too! It's a natural process, so I am trying to embrace it, not fight it. Jennie

Oh how familiar...Mrs Clooney, you seem to be taking it real well. My little trick is to make his favorite meals(he can't pass up a home cooked meal) or offer to take him out for a meal when he's home...this usually insures some more time together!