What is Empty Nests
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. While more common in...
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Our Right to Grieve Our Loss...
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I have a wonderful friend at work who lost her son last year in a freak accident. She doesn't understand how I can be grieving my son when he is still alive and I will see him again. My heart surely goes out to her and I will certainly remain supportive. I also acknowledge that my loss is minimal in comparison to her loss, but it is still my loss and her loss doesn't diminish my personal loss.
Loss comes in all shapes, forms, and degrees. We can grieve the loss of a home to foreclosure, a job, our youth, a friendship, a marriage, and so forth. Loss can be complex and involve a number of factors in addition to the obvious loss. On the surface my youngest son has gone to college and I am experiencing the loss associated with a now empty nest. However, on a deeper level I am experiencing the loss of much more. My son was my constant companion, best friend, confident, and just always there. Your rarely saw one of us without the other. I miss my best friend and all we use to do together. I've never experienced loneliness, but now I have to reconcile the feeling as I am lonely without my best friend. In many ways he was also my security blanket as he would accompany me to all my doctor appointments and assure me that all would be well. I miss that blanket of security. It's a bit uneasy living alone and I have to adjust. I will always be a mother to my sons, but when my last child left to make his way out into the world, I realized that I will no longer be a mother in the same sense. So, a very important chapter of my life was closed. I'm no longer of childbearing age and something I have enjoyed and known for so many years has come to an abrupt end. It's a difficult realization and adaption. My point is that people don't realize the intensity or complexity of a loss. What appears on the surface may only be the tip of the ice berg for the person experiencing the loss. To minimize a perceived loss or question how anyone can grieve a loss when their child is still alive is hurtful and bothersome. We don't expect everyone to fully understand us and we certainly don't expect their sympathy, but we deserve their respect and our right to grieve. To minimize anyone's personal loss is wrong. To tell a person who is experiencing a personal loss to find other interests and other worthy advice is okay, but can be a bit premature. To expect them to take the advice before they have had time to grieve and emotionally regroup is wrong. Most of us just need to vent and although advice can be good others need to know that before we can act upon their advice we need to grieve and adjust. Grieving is a necessary process which we have to experience. It allows us to reflect, regroup, reconcile, and eventually move on. It is a healing process and no one should deny any of us the benefits. Healing & Blessings to All, Miki Posted on 09/20/09, 08:09 am |
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Well put Miki.To be fair to your friend,her perception of loss has been irrevocably altered due to the death of her son.I think if any of us had the choice between having our sons live away from home and what she has experienced, we would consider ourselves very lucky indeed.I don't think we could expect her to react any other way. It probably makes her a bit angry when people "whine" about missing their sons when she will never see hers again.That said, for the rest of us,we are experiencing the end of a certain kind of mothering as well as the end (for me at least at almost 60) of our younger, healthier, happier(again, for me)selves. Those in "exciting" or supportive, compatible marriages may enjoy this situation, but for many of us,the loss is tremendous.I miss not only my son, but the whole "mothering period"of my life. Well, we don't have extended families much in North America to mitigate our grief. We have online support groups.No one can rush us out of our grieving by uttering platitudes or cliche ridden advice.I am confident that most of us will get through this and find some kind of peace.In the meantime,we are here for each other. 
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Very true, Hockeymom, as I'm sure I wouldn't have as much compassion for someone who is missing their son if I had permanently loss mine. I'm very careful to distinguish my loss from her loss when I speak to her. I have been very supportive of her and I think she will eventually be supportive of me as well. However, her initial almost irritation that I would be grieving when my son has only left for college has taken me a bit back.
I certainly can't say I love my son more than she loved her son as I know she adored her son. However, my son was my world as my family had died young and I am divorced. She has a wonderful and very supportive husband in her world. I certainly wouldn't trade places with her for all the money in the world, but she has a good support system and someone to intimately share the loss with. Her loss is monumental in comparison to mine, but her support system is also much better. I guess I was just surprised that she wasn't supportive as I have been extremely supportive from day one for her. I imagine she is still so engulfed in her own grief that it is hard to related to another's feeling of loss, especially since they can't compare in severity. In addition, I cannot fathom how devastated I would be in her shoes. It's unimaginable and too painful to even contemplate. Miki
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Miki you put it so well, what many Moms feel when their kids make their way into the world....I think you were very lucky to have had your son's support in the years he was with you.....and now it is a different stage of your life and his and it hurts... I believe some mothers put so much of themselves into the raising of their kids that they forget or don't have time to make sure they will be ok when their kids leave home....in our head we know this time will come, but in our hearts we can't imagine that we will ever become separated......I think about how some Moms have more contact with their children when they live out of state then I have with mine 25 minutes away.....and why do I have to prepare a big meal and make a huge day just to see them? My husband likes to put it on my shoulders as if I am supposed to constantly make the contact happen.....if I did that, I would be accused of being a meddling mother in law......you did such a good job with your feelings that it helped me to read it and feel like I am not alone in this...thanks for those words...bj
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