Empty Nests Support Group

Your husband could stand to borrow from your sense of reality and show you some compassion.

He doesn't. He said that I need to grow up and start doing something with my life like go back to school, get a job, something that will give me a since of accomplishment. Do you know how hard it is to get back out there and get a job when being out of the workforce for sooo many years? He just doesn't understand the empty nest I'm going through.

My husband has NO compassion. He's in England on business right now, and he didn't call me today like he usually does. I got extremely worried about him, and I tried calling him myself but got this strange recording. I ended up calling him boss because I was so damn worried. He finally called me back and YELLED at me for calling his boss and causing trouble. I can't stop crying over him yelling at me. Why can't he understand how very worried I was?

Hi tonya1204,

I don't think our husbands will ever get the pain we go through when our children leave. They can't understand what sacrifices we have made and how difficult it is to make such a gregantuan transition.
My daughter left home in 2006 to go live in Michigan now married, still there, and my son lives in town with his new girlfriend.
It's hard. I feel like they have left to go on a journey and I haven't been invited. I feel left out, left behind, lost.
I know what you are going through,

Sally

I would like to say one thing...your job as a mother is not over! It's just going to look differently. it will never be as it was, but it will not be as though they died. In their independence they will shape your relationship with them. Your husband can never fill that void, but I agree with him...start dating him all over again. Get involved in the community around you. You have a purpose other than your kids! Trust God and let them go. You will always be their Mother! They will always come back!
blessings to you!

Try and be proud of the children/adults thaty you have helped to grow. We need to try and enjoy their independence - whole heartedly. Its never easy to change and this is a time where change is HUGE but not unexpected.

I knowhow you feel. My youngest just graduated from college, and this last year I thought my husband & I were going to end up divorced. In August he decided to go for his Masters degree, which would take two years of weekends along with studying & working 40 hours!! So much for getting to know each other again after the kids have left home!! I went back East and stayed with my family from February until June when our son graduated from college and we decided to go for Marriage Counseling. This will take time, my husband felt yours, go back to school, go to work. I think they say that because thats all they know.

Good Luck to you and your husband, do something you enjoy doing. If you don.t know, look into a Myers-Briggs inventory test to list your strengths & weaknesses.

Maureen

Wow, i am speechless that he wont let your son come home. I could never tell my child that my home was not open to them anymore. Even if your son doesn't want to come home, that has to hurt to hear a parent say that. Not saying ;that i would financially support my kid forever, but you son is still a kid. That is just sad. I am sorry you don't have support from him. Tell him they wouldn't have 100's of books written about the empty nest if it was easy. I think it is easier to be single and go thru this than have a spouse that is so unhelpful. I am really close to my only child so i know how you feel. :(

You're right about so many things and there is a BIG part of this picture that's missing. Do you lay at night wondering how YOUR parents are feeling about your life?? No. And that is because you are busy with your own life - your husband and your children. Do you want to lay awake at night and worry if your parents are worrying over you? NO. It is a natural course of events for our children to create their own lives and we try to deny that reality when it's our turn. The difficulty in letting go is because we have never been taught how to do it. I don't see your husband as having no compassion - he is trying to encourage you to move on to the next stage of your life. And you're saying your not ready yet because you don't know what that next stage is, what it looks like, what it will feel like. You basically just got fired from a 20 year job. It's a transitional time for everyone BUT, the difference is that your children have been chomping at the bit to get out of your house and start creating their own lives, and you've been preparing them for just that adventure, while all you have been learning how to be a mother over and over again and learning how to put yourself last for such a long time. It is difficult to now realize that you come first. That you have to go back and unpack all those dreams and desires you once had (remember, the ones you were entertaining as you left your parents' house?). That is what your husband is saying to you. And he's saying it because he has lived a lifetime of, if not being on the first then on the second burner. It's time for you to come off the back burner. Does that make sense? You have created EXACTLY what you set out to do - responsible adults who want to live as adults. GOOD JOB!! See, motherhood is a station; not a destination. If you don't know what to do now, make it up. Figure it out. You will be able to give your children some really great road maps if you go there yourself so when it's their turn, you'll know what to say. Better yet, if you do this the same way you mothered them, you won't have to say anything ;)

I understand children growing up and leaving home.I do not understand why they can never bother with us.I had this job for 35 years and now I am supposed to just start a new life? Get on with it and move forward I am told. What is the purpose now? I was at home for so many years as a Mom and now I am a what? Certainly not a young person,my leg is acting up I get tired faster now and I do not have all that much energy anymore.I would rather just sleep.I understand exactly what you are talking about.