Eating Disorders Support Group

For some reason I decided to go look at an old webcam video that I had recorded. It was taken in June of 2008. I was distraught at how 'fat' I was. After complaining for over 10 minutes about this new diet/restriction I needed to do and how I would do and blah blah blah I stood up and showed the camera my 'fat' and how the new pants I bought didn't fit. So here's the realization. When I was watching this video and this part came up I gasped. I literally gasped. My hands flew to my mouth and I muttered 'oh my god' in shock. It was in this moment that I realized how painfully thin I had been. I wasn't skinny I was sick. I wanted to climb through the computer and hug the previous version of me. You see, I am so transfixed on this need to be that weight again because, in my mind, that's when I'll be happy. This video showed me that, for one, I wasn't happy and two that weight was just painfull to look at. So, my positive realization, I don't want to be back at that weight again - that weight is not perfection - that weight is an awful existance. Did I forget to mention I also dug up pictures of me at that weight and I have "FAT" cut into my stomach 14 times? How could I even begin to think of that weight as happy or perfect? I understand relapses happen and I may be back down there but I never want to force myself down to that weight again. It was an awful existance. Gosh, it breaks my heart to see myself back then.

That's my major realization for today.
Posted on 11/09/09, 08:11 pm