Eating Disorders Support Group

Dear Sapphire,
I really do understand the mindset you are talking about, even though I don't share it. I think the real issue at the core is whatever is so scary to you that you need this "net" or "bubble" around you. Why is it so important to you to have incredible amounts of control over yourself? What would happen if you let other people in, rather than sending the constant message with your body "STAY OUT!"? These are the issues that you will explore when you are ready to try recovery again. In the meantime, we are here for you to remind you that it IS possible to be safe, happy, and a hell of a lot less scared without ana.
Love,
Rosie

Hi Sapphire,

Thank you for being so honest. I am not pro ana, but I understand the mindset and the need to feel "safe". I understand how you can feel so exposed without the ED behaviors. (The world just feels so harsh without the ED behaviors; like there are too many feelings and too much stimulation and I have no clue how to deal with them.) I am also in treatment and I'm trying to FIGHT this and it's so hard. The anxiety I'm feeling is incredible right now and I don't like it. But, as I stretch the limits I'm also finding out that sometimes I LIKE to feel free from ED. I like to be able to go out to lunch with my dad, order what looks good and just eat half, and not have to worry about controlling where we eat, what they have, etc. I also like being able to look forward to a trip for what the trip has to offer, without looking at it as a weight loss opportunity and starving myself and being too weak the whole time to enjoy the trip. I feel so torn, b/c I always feel bad about it after (like I'm being sloppy about my eating and this is bad) but I enjoy it in the moment.

Anyway, sorry to talk so much about myself; it's just that I can totally relate. I want to encourage you by saying we're not always ready for recovery all at once. We can do it in pieces. For example, seeing goal weights of 70# and seeing this as scary rather than being triggered by it is healthy. Good for you. :)

Has anyone figured out specifically why they need the safety of ED .... and does knowing this really help w/recovery?

Hugs,
Ali

I agree with and can identify with everything you've stated here. I used to be obsessed with try to "look good" (as in Victoria Secrets model good). Now I just want to look painfully thin. A part of me just wants to get so thin that everybody is worried about me and fusses over me. I don't want the envy. You can keep it. I don't care about the competitive nature of females. I just want to look so sickly that people can't help but feel their heart break when looking at me and they want to know whats the matter with me. I know that sounds pathetic, but that is just how I feel. I want to look sickly thin.

In response to Ali,

You asked: "Has anyone figured out specifically why they need the safety of ED .... and does knowing this really help w/recovery? "

My personal answers would be "mostly" and "YES!"

To answer the first question in more detail: There are about a million complicated reasons why I turned to an ED for that feeling of control and safety. Here are just a few as an example:
-I was molested by a family member when I was about 8-9 years old. This caused me to have extremely ambiguous feelings about my body and planted the seed of the idea that maybe I should make my body unappealing to others so that they wouldn't want to touch it.
-Then, puberty hit early and I was suddenly getting a lot of attention from the older, popular boys in school. This made me realize I could use my body to gain affection (or what I thought was affection - I was really just being used, but I didn't quite realize that at the time.)
-My family moved to a totally different part of the country when I was between 10th and 11th grade, and I was devastated about leaving everything and everyone I knew. I turned to restricting food because it was a great distraction and something that I could exert control over at a time when I felt I had no control over my situation.
-Like I said those are just a few examples, and scientists don't fully understand yet why some of us turn to EDs (or other unhealthy things like drugs/alcohol) as a coping mechanism, while others develop more healthy coping skills naturally. Obviously genetics plays a part, as does the way we are raised, etc, etc.

As for your second question: The only reason I began to understand that the events above were (in part) what fueled the eating disorder is because I explored my issues in safe therapeutic environments. Once I realized what feelings I was trying to numb or manipulate with the ED, it helped me realize that the ED was simply a crutch I had been leaning on. And for good reasons! I needed something and the ED was there when I needed it. However, eventually the ED stole away all my time, all my brainspace, all my joy in life, It is pretty hard to have a fulfilling life when you spend 98% of your waking hours obsessing over food, calories, your body, or whatever.

Once I understood (at least mostly understood, since of course there is a huge irrational element to the whole thing) what purpose the ED was serving, I became open to learning about other HEALTHY coping techniques I could use to serve that same purpose. I could say a lot more on this topic but this post has become quite long, so I'll just leave it at that for now.

Though I am not pro ana per se, I am anorexic and like you only eat a very small amount at dinner time. I am quite over weight. I don't have a desire to be sickly thin just not huge. Maybe I would feel that way if I was already somewhat thin but that seems so far away that I can't even imagine what that would be like. I am certainly not going to judge you when I am doing the same things. Best of luck to you. Message me if you want to talk.

I respect your desire to not want recovery, I remember when I felt the same way myself. I'm not going to write a bunch of stuff about how anorexia is bad and it's going to kill you (because it is. One of my good friends actually died and that was what it took for me to recover). I just want to ask that you don't bring down other people with you. It's so easy to do, and that is why I'm asking you to carefully consider how you influence people. I hope that doesn't sound bitchy, because I'm really not trying to be.

I don't want to look fragile or ill, but I do understand what you mean about not wanting to try to stop your eating disorder. While I was trying to recover I missed my eating disorder. I think it's because it was something only I could understand. Something I could have control over. I just want to be 118lbs. I can't explain to anyone why or how I want to achieve this because they don't understand,

It's kind of like me and my ED against the world...

I just read reply #3 and I kind of agree. I always wished something would happen, I would faint, or fall or something to get my family's attention. I have fainted before and that did get there attention but they still didn't understand me.

im sorry but i loved this quote...i even saved it to my computer after reading it here....thanks for sharing it...i cannot tell u how many times i have been accused of wanting to look sexy like the models in the magazines...they even took away my magazines while i was in treatment etc....but honestly....thats not it...thats not it at all...

what website was that? if you dont mind