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What Nature Intended-(mentions food)
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I have 4 months Recovery now, free of bulimia/binge/purge ED (and also alcoholism). I just want to report what 4 months feels like, for anyone who's just entering recovery, and feeling like, "holy crap, how can I DO this, I feel so fat, I'm so stressed, this is sooooo hard, I don't have any coping mechanisms left...." Here's what 4 months feels like to me:
I don't remember what it's like to throw up. I don't remember what it's like for my stomach to be so full it hurts. I don't have the urge to binge. I do eat too much sugar, too many sweets, that's true. But I'm also eating lean meat, like turkey and fish, and lots of green vegetables. I go easy on the breads, but when I want bread, or cereal, I have at it! Even Lucky Charms. I even drink Coke, on occasion, real Coke, not Diet. And sometimes Diet Coke, if that's what I feel like. And sometimes, I hate Coke. It's almost as if I'm a real person, listening to my body, and responding with good choices, for the most part. (except for the Skittles.) Initially in Recovery, the first month or so, I gained a few pounds. I'll mention the number, because it's important. Five. Five pounds. And it was alarming to me, at first, because we're talking about 30 YEARS I've had this diseased thinking... But then my body has just sorta leveled off, back down a few pounds, to where it always ends up, it must be my natural weight... I don't weigh every day, or even every week, but I know I'm sorta the same weight, week to week... I've also replaced the binge-purge compulsion with new coping skills, and believe me, if you knew the stresses in my life... I have THREE TEENAGE DAUGHTERS... But I went out and picked myself out some brand new shiny coping skillz; First, I'm practicing Mindfullness. And Meditation. And journaling here on DS, and posting and reading and the whole thing. And I use breathing exercises. Everywhere I go, I could be standing there talking to someone at a baseball game, and they don't even know I'm B R E A T H I N G... I'm also getting counseling, with Family Services, my husband and I. And Self-Hypnosis CD's, downloaded from the internet. These have been the greatest help to me. And family and friends, and reaching out and helping OTHER people. I'm doing all that stuff, where before, I did nothing, NOTHING but binge and purge, binge and purge, binge and purge... My point is that if you gain a little weight in the first couple weeks, if you continue with Recovery, and plow through that rough spot, and if you go out and find yourself some really good, really healthy, new coping skills, I believe you can find balance and peace, I believe your body will level out at a healthy weight, and I believe you will start to see your worth, as a person. I believe all that for you, because it's happening for me. Posted on 06/17/09, 08:38 am |
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this is really positive and inspiring..
well done on 4 months, keep it up!! 
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Well done !!!!!!!!!!! I want to cry as i read it cos ive had ana for so long and i want to get out so badly but something is keeping me there. I need to know how to cope when i don't have this illness cos I don't know life without it i contracted it at such a young age and it's good to know that there is another side. thank you for the post.
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keep going. you can do it!
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This is so inspiring, I'm really glad you posted this. Thank you so much!
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This might be a stupid question, but what did you do to start recovering? Are you doing this all on your own or are you seeing a doctor?
I want to stop but I'm having a hard time stopping on my own and I don't really know how to do it.
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Thanks for responding, I just really wanted to reach out to someone about this. Unfortunately, you have encouraged me a little, which causes me to write a daggone BOOK here on the forum:
Sorry, in advance... I know the despair of beginning Recovery, and how it can feel so insurmountable, impossible even... Until you gather up your tools. I had to get a toolbox, it was an almost physical thing, this toolbox, I had to visualize it in my mind. I knew other people had recovered, and I thought, I can too, but I can't do it alone, I need help, I need tools, I need skills. Practical, scientifically-based skills. I need to change the way my brain fires. My thought path. I have to reroute. Get rid of that awful, awful story I tell myself about myself, every day, every hour, every minute. Xten, you asked what I did to stop. The catalyst was my daughters. Watching them come into the body wars/food/self esteem years, and knowing that I couldn't help them navigate those mine-fields (I'm real big on metaphors), when I was such a "casualty" myself. I also got pretty F'in mad. Angry. I looked back over 30 YEARS of this disease, and I realized exactly what was taken from me, my time, my concentration, and my belief in what I could accomplish, all that was held captive, secret, I had no idea how much more of the world was available to me. Until I said, NO MORE. I'M DONE WITH BULIMIA. or more accurately, BULIMIA IS DONE WITH ME. I'm taking ME back. I know I'm only 4 months in, and I sound a little obnoxious and slightly full of sh!t... But I've crossed some sort of line. And it makes me want to reach back, and pull someone else across! I can't help it!!! Here are some of the tools I've stuck in my toolbox, feel free to borrow them any time, while you're looking for your own :) 1) Bob Marley lyrics, "I rule my Destiny. I rule my Destiny." Also the song, Three Little Birds 2) Queen-"Beautiful Day" (on Youtube) 3) Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love (audio CD or book) 4) Jack Kornfield, After the Ecstacy, the Laundry (book) 5) Mindfulness, John Kabat-Zinn (leads you in meditation on Youtube, also his book, Full Catastrophe Living, especially the Raisin Exercise) 6) Laughter Yoga, Dr, Kataria (Youtube) 7) Journaling on DS 8) Family Services, therapy, counseling... 9) My mom and my best friend, and other gurlfrenz... 10) "It's never too late to be what you might have been" quote by George Eliot 11) A little notebook that fits in my purse and helps me keep track of my children, my life, my thoughts, phone numbers, details, things I learn, things I want to remember, things I need to buy, things I need to do, things I need to fix, build, paint, sew, sell, wash, pack, return... 12) Hypnosisdownloads.com Sigh. Okay. I feel better. I had to get that out there. Thanks for listening.
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