What is Eating Disorders
An eating disorder is a compulsion in which the main problem is a person eats in a way which disturbs their physical health. The eating may be too excessive (compulsive over-eating...
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An endless loop ...
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I'm so frustrated with myself. Basically I'm allowed the following:
2/3 piece of fruit in the morning. 2/3 of a protein bar in the afternoon. A handful of whatever I want in the evening (like peanuts or crackers, nothing sweet). And that's it. Works out to about 300-500 calories a day I figure. If I eat anything more than this, try to cheat in any way, or do anything out of line I end up cutting myself for punishment and relief. Dropped about 20lbs in the last four weeks, and its getting kind of scary. Some obviously big problems here, but the worst immediate problem is that I can't do this more than a couple days before I slip and eat something that I'm making for the kids. The worse I slip the more I cut. I feel totally trapped in this endless cycle of eating very little for a day, slipping the next day, cutting to punish myself for it, and then repeat. I suppose therapist and psychiatrist will help me come up with some way out of this loop, but I slipped again today and ate a piece of pizza. That required some serious cutting to make up for. Anyone have any advice or just some words of encouragement? Posted on 10/24/09, 10:10 pm |
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Hi,
I don't know much about cutting, but it sounds almost like you're using it as a form of purging. Something to relieve the guilt and anxiety that comes from a binge? I am well aware of that cycle (restrict/binge/purge) and can relate. The best thing I've learned is that starving will always lead to bingeing. Sounds obvious, but i think we tend to think we can overcome it. (I won't binge because I'm special, I can get by on 300 cals a day because I'm strong, this time will be different, etc, etc.) You need to eat a healthy amount so you're not starving and tempted to binge. It always seemed to be like not bingeing would be the easiest way to break the cycle so I focused on that, while really I needed to eat more. Doing this sounds easy, but it's not. I struggle every single day and am back in the cycle right now, but you can fight it. Having a dietitian make up a meal plan for you can do wonders. And a therapist can help you figure out why you care so much about food and weight, although this can take awhile. Anyway, just know that you're not alone. Hugs, Ali 
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Hi Ali,
Thanks so much for the reply. I laughed a little at really how obvious the answer could be, just stop doing it and eat a healthy amount. I've never really done purging ... but it does make a lot of sense if I think about the cutting as my way of purging. That feels right to me, kind of like am important piece. Going to mention that to my therapist on Monday :) Hugs, Xena
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i stopped cutting about five months ago. i know what it's like to have to punish yourself for stuff. cutting is a coping mechanism, a way to vent frustration. EDs are the same way. anytime i get on the scale and the numbers aren't acting like i want them to, i get the urge to SI. i don't, but i want to so i know how you feel. something that's helped me to eat a little more is eating healthy foods. i can eat more as long i don't eat junk food. *shrug* it's a start i guess. hope this helped.
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addiction and a coping mechanism....
honey I dont want to make you feel worse but you have children... you have to get help !!!!!!! you are not living you are existing.... you owe it to you and your kids to get better.... there is a way to deal with life... if you research addictions you will see you are using food and cutitng as a coping mechanism. to deal with stress, anxiety, guilt or low self esteem.... please please please think about reaching ot and getting help, life can be so wonderful.
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I would definitely agree I'm just existing, not living. Worst part is that I have maybe 4 weeks before the weight loss alone will cause some uncomfortable questions/illness (already not eating is, but I've managed to deflect those so far). The cutting has so far been kept from my kids, but that hasn't been easy and it's getting harder.
I think I am reaching out. I've been going to OA three times a week, Self-Mutilators once a week, have a new therapist who specializes in eating disorders and have an appointment to see a psychiatrist next week to talk meds. None of it is helping much, but I'm trying. I feel like a complete loser. I'm on the verge of ruining my life and my kids, why can't I just stop?
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