What is Eating Disorders
An eating disorder is a compulsion in which the main problem is a person eats in a way which disturbs their physical health. The eating may be too excessive (compulsive over-eating...
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Hi everyone,
I'm new to DS, but have already gotten some really good help from the Self-Injury (SI) group. I joined this eating disorders group too because my issues seem to be connected in some way. I've always hated food and the act of eating. If there was a pill I could take every morning and never have to eat again I would completely do that with such relief. For all my life that I can remember I get really fearful when I get hungry, so I eat whatever is the highest calorie thing I can find and eat it as quickly as possible. I also never eat after about 4pm, because that really freaks me out too. There is no mystery here. I was horribly abused as a child and routinely tortured, sometimes around eating. So I know where my fear of food comes from. I've been in therapy for many years around the issues of abuse. My weight varies all over the place (as low as 145 and as high as 245). It just depends on how much I can dissociate while eating to get it over with. Currently at around 185. I've never been diagnosed with anything in particular around eating. I've also been self-cutting since my 20's (I'm 42 now). Sometimes more, sometimes less, with breaks of up to 3 years in-between. Until a month ago I never told anyone about it, I just dealt with it as best I could until the behavior died down. Joining this site and writing about it has been a really big step for me, I'm hoping it means I can stop someday soon. So here is the main problem ... my self-cutting behavior comes up every time I eat more than 500-700 calories a day. If I keep it under that, I generally don't cut. If I lose control, and eat something high in calories, within an hour the image of a razor blade will keep popping up in my head. Within another hour I'm usually carving on myself, generally more if I eat more. I'm planning on trying an OA group tomorrow. I have no idea if that's a good place for me to go or not, but there aren't a huge number of options in the community I live in. I guess it seems pretty obvious that I have some serious problems, but I don't even know what to call what I've been doing. Advice? Support? Help? - Xena Posted on 10/18/09, 05:10 pm |
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well i dont know how much help youve had in the past... any therapy? my best guess.... is that you are dealin with your stress and anxiety by cutting. when you eat too much (In your opinion) you cut to maybe deal with the stress of it?
its so hard to get better... but you can find healthier ways to deal with anxiety.... good luck 
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The cycle of restricting, then binging. The strict, arbitrary rules about what times of day you can eat. The close calorie watching. The intense fear of "losing control" over food/yourself. Yes, you have an eating disorder.
The diagnosis that a professional would give you (most likely) is Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (ED-NOS). All that means is, you don't fit neatly into the category criterion for either Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa, but you still have extremely unhealthy thoughts and behaviors around food that are impairing your ability to function and thrive. I would encourage you to seek professional help from doctors/therapists/groups that specialize in treating eating disorders. OA can be a very mixed bag in that regard. Personally, I did not have a good experience with that group. However there is a group called EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) that you may want to look into if the 12-step approach seems helpful to you. Good luck and keep posting, as I'm sure that the people in this community can give you lots of empathy and encouragement.
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Thanks Yazzz and Rosie88. Lot's of therapy (both group and individual) that has helped a lot in other areas, and maybe it's the reason I'm doing this now. Kind of like ... "you're healthy enough to take a look at this serious problem".
Therapist suggested I try to stay present and focused on the food as I'm eating it. That made things worse unfortunately. I guess I would say that the cutting seems to come from a place in my head that wants to punish myself for eating, but the act actually makes me feel better temporarily. Then I feel horribly ashamed of myself for doing it. So ... "extremely unhealthy thoughts and behaviors around food that are impairing your ability to function and thrive." Wow. No one has ever quite been so clear before, kind of took my breath away. Thank you for the comments Rosie88, things seem a little clearer. Unfortunately no EDA in my town. There is a SMA (self-mutilators anonymous) and OA. There is also a place called Montenido/RainRock outside of town ... but I can't go there (I'm a single mom with two kids).
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I understand the need to cut. I did it for MANY years. I finally stopped when I had no money to get my husband a b-day present and decided to give him the gift of no more cutting or bruises or burns. I haven't done any of it since. In fact I lived a relatively healthy life for several years. The cutting can be stopped. Some day you'll realize that you do have a choice. Make a promise to your kids. If they find out that you are doing it,, they will follow in your footsteps.
As for the ED, I have been told I have one and my weight bounces from 145-220. Currently at 202. People don't tend to notice unless you are very thin. It doesn't mean you don't have one. I am new to this ED diagnosis but have learned a little bit online. There are therapists out there that do treatment and most insurance companies will pay for a registered dietitian. Most cities have some kind of free support group facilitated by a professional. I just found one tonight. Good luck. I'm sure if you keep looking, you'll find someone. www.nationaleatingdisorders.org has many resources for finding a therapist in your area.
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I understand the need or urge to punish yourself after eating. I am a restricter, so I do a lot of punishing when I eat or weigh myself, either through cutting, laxatives and diet aids, purging and overdosing because I hate myself so much for eating or because the scales don't register the numbers I want them too.
I am 44 years old and was abused horribly as a child too. Too much food or lack of food was the main punishment I received, causing my ED to surface around the age of 15. I started cutting around the age of 18 and have gone long periods where I didn't cut. There is no, in my opinion, magical cure. We need to stay in therapy, find support groups, continue to come to DS and learn to ask for help when we are struggling. People here are very kind and supportive. We have to find different ways to cope, for this is very unhealthy. Many hugs and rainbows to you.
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Hi Kathy & Kily,
Thank you for the advice and support. I was SI free yesterday, not the two days prior to that, so I'm taking some hope from a small accomplishment. Of course all I ate yesterday was an orange, but at the moment it seems like not eating is less harmful than cutting on myself. That might change if my weight drops to low. One of the good things about having teenagers is they are pretty caught up in their own lives, so at least I've kept it from them both so far. It would be so horrible for them to find out, and I'm terrified that they will. My lies are working at the moment, and at least it's winter so the long clothing helps. I'm a good mom, my kids are happy and healthy and well adjusted and I love them so much I can hardly put it into words. It's not their fault their mom is all messed up, and I know I've made it this far because of my love for them and their love for me. I did some research yesterday and found a local therapist who seems to really specialize in ED. She worked at a local residential facility for ED for a couple years and before that did a lot of stuff in California. Now she has a private practice. I called and left her a message saying I was seeking out a new therapist to help with some ED issues, so hopefully she will call me back soon. It will be tough to leave my current therapist, but she is not handling either the cutting or ED very well (seems to scare her and make her angry and sad). Thanks again for your support and help.
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