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This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. De...
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Wow, this is my first time on this forum and I think I have found where I can be understood. My friends are great to talk to, but they don't fully understand because they are not in this situation. My DH and I are HS sweethearts. (with a 3 year gap, so I have a SD) So I have seen the person he was and the transformation to the person he is. His family has a history of mental illness. I did a paper in grad school on his aunt who has agoraphobia. My DH has anxiety and Depression. He holds grudges on me for days, weeks. Then like the flip of a switch he is OK and acts as though nothing is wrong. He blames me for his problems (this is probably his anxiety). For instance, I don't put sharp knives in my dish water so I put them on the back on the sink until I do dishes. Well, he was so freaked after a while, he says to me "I know what your trying to say with those knives, if you don't want me around I'll just leave then!" I was shocked and like wtf? I had no idea what he was talking about be that was the beginning of that. The first time I noticed his depression, he started calling in alot for work, sleeping in the middle of the day, up all night, drinking heavily, and noticeable decrease in his self-confidence- again blaming me for his troubles. I have NEVER considered leaving. I am Christian and I don't believe God put us together to divorce. I am not going to kick a man while he's down. I do, however, feel there is a "spiritual warfare" going on in him. Anyone who believes in that may understand. I call him Mr. Jekyl and Dr. Hyde. Depends on his mood. Right now, he has not touched or had a dialogue with me for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I know he's depressed. Sleeping as soon as he comes home from work, complaining about my cooking, dreads watching our daughter on Fridays (I have to wk and he is off on Fridays). My father passed away 2 months ago and his daughter moved several states away around the same time. Really, he has went down hill since both occurrences. I am up and down myself trying to balance helping my mom, being a mom, supporting him- though he rejects me, and helping myself cope. The rejection part is what gets me most. And with my last pregnancy in 2007, I was forced to be induced because I was causing baby so much stress with my emotions. She was healthy though. But I was literally crying atleast 2-3 times a week when I was pregnant because he would ignore me. Nothing I say and do can draw him out of his Depression. I just get so down. But I seeked therapy (my pastor happens to have a psychology license). He taught me that God knows how I feel. And that I am a good wife. I am a good mother and a good daughter. My DH was being so mean, I was second guessing myself. I just want support to move forward and stick by him. I have God, and I pray he surrounds me with more positive people who will encourage and not scream "Get out of your marriage" Thanks for listening...
Posted on 10/16/09, 10:10 am |
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I fully understand what you mean. My wife suffers from deap depression right now. She knows it and accepts it. Before we met she 6 years ago she had a nervouse breakdown and she has since told me that she does not want to be there again. When we first started dating she told me she suffered from depression and I accepted it because I knew I loved her. She got a lot better, but now with the stress of everything going on this year her depression has returned and is real bad. She is taking meds and after 2 months they are finally working a little. I personally don't know what to do, she told me not to baby her because that doesn't help, but not to be tough with her because that makes her feel like I don't care. I feel like you, kind of like a yoyo or ping pong ball sometimes. I don't know how to take her, I believe God put us together for each other and I am willing to fight for her, but I don't know how. I know I didn't offer any help, but I feel the same as you I think. God will be with you and I am encouraging you to hang in there and be strong in faith, love, and prayer. 
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Thank you! Glad to hear I'm not alone in feeling like a yo-yo. LOL! I definitely believe in my vows- through good times and bad, and through SICKNESS and health!!! Depression is an illness!
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I may be the lone wolf here... but I have to say... God teaches you to love ourself. He does NOT expect you to be abused and unhappy.
God can only do so much. If you really believe in the power of God - believe he will watch out for your husband - you don't have to. God NEVER intended us to be in relationships which make us unhappy.
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I'm sorry mgs, but I don't agree. Today too many people God in a box. Who are we to say how much He can do. I agree with you that we are not put together to be unhappy, there has to be a reason why we met and fell in love. However, God can do some amazing things and we need to stick with the person we fell in love with.
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Yes, God does not want us to be unhappy. But its those "happy" and "unhappy" feelings that come and go and hike up the divorce rate. (lol) I am not offended by what your saying, I know you have a different opinion than mine and I respect that. I actually believe we fall in and out of love constantly as married couples. It goes with the territory. Its just that the times of depression can draw out those valleys alittle longer than usual. *Happy to say I'm on a mountain today. Happy to be with my love!
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This is my first time here, my partner has depression and like you l don't know what to do. l believe this has happened before only his words to me were one day l may push you away he told me this twice then about 3mths ago aound the anniversry of his divorce he started to pull away.
The problem is he lives in a different country so l can only communicate by phone or computer, never a problem before we spoke 9/10 times a day he is loving and attentive normally but now well he's pushed so far and shut down so much that he tells me he wants us to break up and that l should just accept it. The lucky side is l understand that his words are from the depression he is so different and cold, lost to me, l see him on line a lot but l have to leave him alone l am a bother to him. So l leave him offline messages telling him that my man will return and l'll be waiting but that the person who he is today l don't know. At least he knows l'm waiting even if he says let go, he is so far gone that he sees no problem with his personality so there is nothing to be done but wait. lf you love your husband as l love my partner wait as long as you can for him to return because he will, when he was disappearing to the depression my man said to me when l was in need of some tlc from him that it was not about me....try not to listen to his words its not him speaking the man you love and who loves you would never speak that way to you. l found my way of letting go enough to cope with no affection and love from him so l pray you find yours because until l did l was making myself ill. Remember to always see his actions and words as those of a stranger, depression is a liar and a thief, it lies to the sufferer and steals months of their lives away...see it that way. You find your way of feeling beautiful tomorrow regardless of his mood because you are, you be strong tomorrow no matter what horrors may come from his mouth. Don't give up but don't wait longer than you can, and when he comes back never forget this time in your relief he has to do something to help stop or cope with the next time because whatever the trigger was a season change or loss etc the chances are high it will happen next year and l can't live this way without my man trying for him, me and us with therapy or meds or both. Good luck and God bless
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WOW! Alot of what you just talked about I am going through too! I feel like a failure so many times when I try to do things for DH. that 'light switch' mood thing can be killer some days! The rejection and quietness, I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!! It's so hard feel like you are being pushed away. I finally had enough one day and went to my DH and he finally explained to me how his depression affects him wanting to talk with me and spend with me etc. I always feel better after talking with him, but it can be so hard to sit by and wait for him to talk to me. I am with you 100%- the word divorce is not in our vocabulary either! so many people jump straight to divorce when things get tough, but my marriage vows said for better or for worse, and in sickness and in health. I'm sticking to that commitment no matter how hard it gets. I love my DH with all that is in me and I can tell you feel the same about yours. Stick by your man, it will get better. May God give you new and renewed strength daily!!
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Vicky Bea- you know the song by Tamia "Stranger in my house" yeah, that's what I've been thinking of lately when he acts that way. I love music so it really does help for me to 'go there' when he is feeling so down.
FullofLove- isn't it great to know that this experience can only make us stronger. I will definitely stand by my man (and you continue to do the same). My DH and I have been through so much together. Yes, there have been times when he is "not available" because he is so depressed but I fill that void with prayer and venting to my 2 BFF's! I have learned to channel my emotional needs when he is in that state. I don't believe in kicking someone while their down. I'm trying to stay positive here!!!
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