What is Depression Supporters
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. De...
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Supporters - In the beginning, how did you act?
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Hello,
I'm new here as of yesterday; although the issues that got me here aren't so new. I am trying to get myself out of the slump I'm in - by reading some self-help books, going to church and praying, finding some understanding here - but my main concern now is my husband/supporter, who refuses to believe that depression is real and who is burned out. (He's from Europe, and says depression is an american thing, and that I just need to have a better attitude and Presto! everything will be better). When I cry, he gets angry. When I ask for a hug, he's too busy watching tv. Some days he is really supportive; but lately he keeps mentioning divorce because "he can't do this anymore." I've told him time and again that I love him and this isn't his fault, but he either believes it is or just wants out anyway. I can't tell if he's threatening divorce in an attempt to "bring me out o it", or if he really just wants me to pull the plug. Same thing when he gets angry or aloof - is he trying in some twisted way to get me to snap out of it, or is he truly being mean and hateful? I just can't tell what is happening with him, and with us. I don't know if he truly doesn't believe that depression exists, or if this is a denial thing that will change. When he says he loves me, I never know if it means "at this moment" or "forever". Supporters, what was it like in the beginning? And what made you decide to stay? Thanks. Posted on 08/18/09, 02:08 pm |
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This probably isn't what you want to hear, but in the beginning the only thing that I wanted to do was be close to my husband and try and understand why he was perceiving the world to be so bad. And at times it felt really futile, because he pushed me away and much o what he said just didn't make sense - i.e., "you're too controlling". If you knew me, you'd understand that this is crazy because I'm very laid back and will put up with just about ANYTHING. I probably tried, like your husband, to remind my husband of the rosey side of life. But I never gave up, and never threatened divorce. I just wanted so much to understand why my husband was unhappy, and why he became so angry over ridiculous things, or things that his mind invented. I don't understand why your husband is threatening you... and it doesn't seem at all fair. Have you sought medical treatment for your depression? I would encourage you to do so as it will show your husband that you are interested in improving your situation. And above all else - take care of yourself! 
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Depression is so tough to deal with because we all go through it at some time or another. Some people are just more prone to it or unable to get out of it for a variety of reasons. I didn't know my STBX was in depression until it was too late. She doesn't admit to having anything wrong so it made everything much more difficult and she ended up getting into flight mode because she just knew she wasn't happy. She now says it's because of me but I was in that realtionship to and we had our up and downs but overall she was a happy person up until the last couple of months. You can't control him, but you can work on yourself. I hope he realizes how difficult it is for you and give you the support and love that you need. Good luck and God Bless!
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I have to agree with the other replies... I've had problems, and so has my boyfriend. You need love and support, and it is a bit of a cliche but if you love someone, then you don't want them to be in pain. It breaks my heart to see my boyfriend down, and I don't see how pushing away the person you love when they're feeling down could possibly help anyone...
I try to do the opposite and make sure that he doesn't notice my anger and frustration. I don't want him to feel guilty or do anything but focusing on himself and getting better... And I'm european and trust me, we definitely understand and have depression. I actually feel the opposite, that america is less open and understanding when it comes to any mental illness. Priorities your own wellbeing. Being with someone who doesn't understand will only make everything worse...
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wow, my husband is a bit like yours. I'v come to realise that he displays Narcissistic and schizoid tendancies. So, he does'nt care, can't empathize and does'nt want a relationship with me. How funny! I thought i was the one who was'nt well. So, my journey begins. We have to work slowly, but carefully. Have you looked at his behaviour and wondered about it?? Your depression could be from years of neglect emotionally??? just a thought? Enjoy your day.
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One of the most tender moments I ever heard of in my years of depression was a husband who carried his bi-polar wife to the shower during one of her severe depressions. I've never forgotten that husband even though I never met him.
Just was given an article about fish oil and the brain - starting to lean towards nutrition because of medical research - things that have helped me are NAMI - organization w/ classes for family members, Amen clinic infomation, protein powder, walking, biofeedback, therapy, -- it's like looking for work - finding things that help and each person is different. Take care
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I have been there and know exactly what you guys are going thorugh. my marraige has ended, nevertheless. My exhusband did the flight thing. I still love him and pray everyday that maybe, just maybe he will overcome this terrible ailment and that we may get together again. he is completely furious at me because I needed to give him an ultimatum. his depression turned himinto a very abusive person andl also he started to have an emotional affair.
you and yourhusband can read the schefield books on depression and family members. i just discovered this week a wonderful site that has videos and articles. very helpful. you can watch and share with your husband. http://greatfamilycoaching.com/ lots of luck.
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I am new to this support group, I had to find some support for me to know how I could help my wife who has clinical depression and has seen doctors about it. As a husband it is difficult because there are actions and activities here in our house that cause her depression to increase and I feel that I need to fix it. However, the more I worry about how to fix the things around here the more I withdraw from my wife without even realizing it. Then she feels that I don't want to talk to her or don't love her anymore. That is not my intent on the way my actions are. Men and women are completely different when it comes to issues...Men are fixers and woman are consolers. I don't know if this is the issue with some of you out there but it does put a strain on a relationship. I don't think I helped much, but I hope it works out for you.
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There are people who don't believe depression is real - that it is, as you said, an affliction of the middle classes of America. My father is among these people. The only thing you can do is try to convince him that it is in fact real, a diagnosis. There are books , medical studies that show brain scans of depressed patients and how they are different than those of undepressed patients. He may not believe you, may need to read it for himself or hear it from an authority. Depression is not American, it is American to to be forthright - even about things other cultures feel is "dirty laundry." This is why you hear about it more in American than elsewhere. In other countries, you don't hear about depression, there are higher suicide rates.
At any rate, you need to worry about yourself first. Go to therapy, go to the doctor. I know your husband is a huge part of your support system, but if he can't provide that support, you need to find loved ones and others who will. DS is a great place. You are not alone. I am so sorry you don't have someone supportive because it can make all the difference. Good luck.
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