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Discussion:
My daughter won't talk to me
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My daughter will not talk to me Mood
Tuesday, July 6, 2010 | A Sad story

My story begins like this ... my daughter's biological father was abusive. I left him when my daughter was 18 months old. He (his choice) nor his family (their choice) had no contact with her at all. He died unexpectedly at the age of 37. I was called by my ex-sister-in-law and given the news of his death. She then asked if they "the family" could meet my daughter who was five years old at this time. I was told that they never were a part of her life because they knew that my ex was abusive and they wanted my daughter to have a good life. They felt that by not being in her life, she would be better off. However, when my ex passed away they felt it would be nice to have a relationship with her. I took my daughter to meet her family. They to their credit have been really good to her. I remarried when she was 6 and my husband adopted her. It was a good marriage and he was a great father to her. We also had a son who was ten years younger than my daughter. Going back a little before I met my new husband I was living with my grandmother taking care of her. She had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was terrified of being institutionalized and I was not about to let that happen. My daughter and I moved in with her and took care of her with the help of hospice until she passed away. Back to my new marriage ... we continued to live in my grandmothers house after her death because that was her wishes. My father who was an only child and my mother lived around the corner. So when I was growing up we were always able to walk to grandmas house to visit. My dad is controlling and he would tell my husband to cut the bushes or cut the lawn. My husband was planning on doing these things anyway but resented being told to do them. He decided that we should build a house. Part of me was happy but the other part of me was sad. We had a "free" home to live in. My kids were able to walk to their grandparents house just like I had when I was young. On the other hand I had always wanted to build my own house one day. So we built a house and moved about 30 minutes away. We lived there for two years until one day as I was doing some gardening my husband came out of the house, sat on the porch step and said he had something to tell me. I asked him what it was and he said he didn't want to be married anymore. I was blindsided. I never saw it coming. We didn't fight, we always did things together. Skipping ahead ... my daughter was 16 when we divorced and my son was 6. I knew my daughter took it very hard. This was the only father she ever knew and then he was gone. He paid his child support but had nothing to do with either of our kids after the divorce. In one respect I liked it because I didn't have to share my kids, not on birthdays, not on holidays, and not on weekends. I look back now and realize how selfish I was. I never realized how that had hurt my kids. I mean, yes I know it hurt them that their dad had nothing to do with them but I always thought that I was doing a good job making up for that. I remarried and have now been with husband number three 13 years. He has always been good to my kids. He was great with my son. He became the "dad" that my ex refused to be. He went to doctor appts. school events, sports events, music events. He did everything a father would do. My son loves him my daughter tolerated him for my sake. She was always resentful that her "adopted" dad abandoned us/her. Here we are at present day .... my daughter was 21 when she began getting on the internet and used it to meet boyfriends. She was overweight and lacked self esteem. I was heavy all my life. Tried every diet that came along. Finally I turned to weight loss surgery. I lost all my weight and kept it off to this day. I think my daughter was jealous about that. I always encouraged her. I always told her she was beautiful. As someone who was fat all my life, I knew I was fat, nobody had to tell me that. I swore that I would never do that to my kids if they had that problem. My son is skinny, my daughter took after me. I watched what she ate when she was young and she was at normal weight growing up. She began gaining weight when she entered high school and was able to purchase food on her own. Anyway, she began meeting these guys on the internet. I even allowed two of them to live in my home. I feared that I would lose my daughter if I didn't let her stay in my home. My husband didn't like it but so as to not make a bad situation worse he kept quiet. My daughter married a guy 15 years older than herself. Here begins the real reason for my writing. He is a control freak. When they lived with me he would not work. They would stay up all hours of the night playing a game called World of Warcraft. After a year of this I finally had enough and told them they had to move out. They were going to get married by a justice of the peace. I wanted better for her and I threw a small family wedding together in a months time. They moved into a friend of my sons house that had been up for sale but never sold. They decided to rent the house. My parents and I went there and helped them clean and move their things into the house. They were one year into their marriage when I started seeing things in my son in law that I did not like. My daughter would call and she sounded terrible. She told me she was sick. I would be concerned and would drive over to check on her. Her husband would meet me at my car and say hello. I would try to get out of my car and he would lean into my window and tell me she was resting and didn't want her to be disturbed. Like an idiot, I would say ok and leave because I didn't want to cause a problem. Into their second year of marriage his grandmother passed away. His family and him were from meterie, LA so they flew there to go to the funeral. The day they were to leave a police officer came to the door and arrested my son-in-law. He was being charged with possible child molestation. I was floored. My daughter said it never happened. I was told that this childs father was once a good friend of her husbands. The story went on that he had a grudge and he set her husband up. His parents bailed him out of jail and he was allowed to return home and to his job until/or if he was charged. For the following year he flew back and forth for court dates. It has now been almost two years of this and he was finally rearrested and now charged. They have lost everything. My daughter had to come back home and put everything into storage. Meanwhile his parents bailed him out of jail for a second time. He is now on an ankle bracelet living in his parents home until trial. This molestation was to have taken place when the girl was 4. However the girl is now 13 and the story goes that she was to afraid to come forward when she was younger. My emotions have been all over the place. I want to believe that he didn't do this because I don't know what will happen to my daughter if he is found guilty. I protected her all her life and now she is with someone being involved in something like this. I was so concerned about how she was living that I flew down there to make sure she was ok. She is living in a nice house and she is treated well by her husbands family. Before they left here I was hospitalized for gallbladder and appendix surgery at the same time. They took care of my 16 year old son so that my husband could stay long hours with me in the hospital. When I got home my son said be would never stay with them ever again. He said that the husband was mean to him and my daughter didn't do anything about it. He said that whenever I would call from the hospital or if my parents called to talk to my son or my daughter the husband would say we don't answer the phone during dinner. Meanwhile we were in the process of going through a modification on our mortgage. I received a check for $3k and left the money in a safety box in my house. The house was locked and the only one with a key was my daughter and her husband. When I got home from the hospital I went to get the money to pay the mortgage and it was gone. My husband was furious but because of me he kept quiet so as to not cause any additional problems for my daughter. We felt that they were desperate and desperate people do desperate things. This is not to say we condone this. Just saying that they were facing the fight of their lives. They packed their belongings into a storage locker, dropped his car off at my house and drove my daughters car to metarie, LA with the promise that they would be back in a few months to get his car. So as I said here we are two years later and he is on house arrest. My $3k is gone. His car is still here and emotions are raw. We got into an email fight and nasty letters went back and forth. Up until this point my husband and I never said anything to them about the missing money because they are in the fight for their lives with this court thing. Well, the last email that was exchanged was pretty bad. I finally told them that I knew that they had taken the money and it just got ugly from there. I copied the letter to his parents because I felt they needed to know what was going on. They were only hearing one side of the story, theirs. Maybe I was wrong for doing that but I was so angry. Then a few days later my dad called and said have you gotten the email from your daughter. I said no what are you talking about. He said that she had written me a very ugly email letter and not only had she sent it to my parents she sent it to my brother, my two nephews, three of my friends, one of her friends and to my ex-boss who was also a friend. That was six weeks ago. I was devastated, hurt and humiliated. She has not spoken to me since and has since changed her cell phone number, and email address. I have no way to contact her at all. Short of me flying there I don't know what to do. I am heart broken. Her brother is upset because they were so close and she has not talked to him either in the last six weeks. She got mad at my dad because he told her off for sending the letter to everyone and for doing that to me after all that I had done for her and her husband. She even told my mother that she needed to control her husband and then hung up. I don't know if she is okay or not. Her husband controls every move she makes. I believe he was behind the letter, the changing of the phone number and changing the email address. If I want to be selfish I should pray that he goes to jail and stays there for life. If I want her to be happy I have to pray that he gets out of this mess. I am beside myself. I know I did things wrong in my life and as a parent. However, in my defense, I was learning to be a parent. Kids don't come with manuals. I always tried to provide a family environment for my kids. It was not my fault that her adopted father walked out on us. Like I said, I was blind sided. My husband now is a good, good man. He has overlooked a lot in order to make things easier for me. However, that does not matter now since she has not spoken to me in six weeks. I am heartbroken. We were so close until this guy came into our life and into our home. I am so hurt that she would send such a nasty letter to everyone and hurt and humiliate me like that. Regardless of all this, I love her with all my heart and always will. I have been so depressed over this that I finally went to my doctor and was put on valium for anxiety and Welbutrin for depression. I feel like all the happiness has been sucked out of me. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. The only thing keeping me going is my son. If I didn't have him I don't know how I would get through this. He is my reason for getting out of bed, for cooking, for doing laundry. My heart isn't into anything. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. My health is bad. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue, I just had the gallbladder/appendix surgery April last year and my second knee replacement last December. This stress is making all my health issues even worse. I don't even care about that. I just ache for her. I ache for what she is going through. I just miss her and I don't know how to get through this. I am so sorry for how long this is. I just wanted everyone to have the background. How do I go on without my daughter, my first born child. I love both my kids and I would die for them. Every day that goes by without hearing from her, I die a little more inside. Please help me....
Posted on 07/07/10, 09:03 pm
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Reply #1 - 08/15/10  7:25am
" Hi hun l am so sorry for the unhappiness you are going through family problems can really hurt to the core l know. It was quite a moving story to read and all l can advice is to give your daughter time, if your son-in-law is found guilty and after questioning your grand daughter that will be telling as long as she feels able to tell the truth and depending on what she remembers and who she told at the time.

lf he is found innocent and it is an abusive relationship it may last a while as you say your daughter is unhappy in herself she will be scared to be alone but a soul can only take so much have faith that he or she will walk away one day. Never give up on believing that she will want to forge a relationship with you again yes she may be hurt and angry with you today and want the distance but you are still her mum and grandmother to the children so be patient with her.

You are not a bad mother all mums make mistakes no one has a manual for life forgive yourself for any mistakes its human and normal. l wonder if you are talking this through with a therapist l hope so and would advice that you try to find one you need to live for your son, your husband, your daughter and most importantly for you because you are special, loving, compassionate and giving with many other wonderful qualities, getting unwell now when in time you have your family back whole is no god to anyone.

l hope you find an easier way to work through all this God bless and take good care of yourself x "
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Reply #2 - 08/15/10  4:42pm
" Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It has been two months without a word from my daughter. She has not spoken to any member of our family. She has totally cut all of us out of her life. My parents (her grandparents) and my son are devastated. I am trying so hard to leave it in Gods hands but it is so hard for me to do. I don't want my daughter to think that I just don't care if she talks to me or not. I am just going to send her a card and simply say that I love her, I miss her and that I am here for her if she needs me. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. "
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Reply #3 - 08/23/10  5:54pm
" My Daughter and I have always had problems over her poor choices. In fact, I am in an extreme state of depression now because of her. I love my Daughter more than anything , and this is the greatest pain to me, but she has spent her adult life victimizing me and I can no longer take it. You see, I've had 8 heart attacks. The 5th one killed me for 20 minutes and 3 days later I had #6 and 4 days later #7. The last 5 years of my life have been a nightmare; I've been through a bitter divorce after a 16 year marriage, the 8 heart attacks ( last one was last Thanksgiving), my Daughter abandoned her two children to strip and do drugs and I lost them to her ex Husband because after I died, in August, at Christmas, my Daughter got drunk and started a fight with me. I didnt fight back, but when she went for the gun in my drawer I tried to stop her. My Grandkids were there and saw this. A few days after the fight I went to see my therapist, told him what happened and he turned me in to the police....because the children were there. I went to jail for one night....never even had but maybe 2 traffic tickets my whole life. I had just died for God's sake, and I had to go through this because of her? My divorce was heard on a Monday afternoon and the very next morning, at 9 sharp, the same Judge who heard my divorce heard my "criminal case". At 50 years old, with no prior history, I was branded a Monster! Because of my Daughter. Her ex will not let me see my Grandchildren because of this. Flash forward to now....she has since had another baby...her third.....no Husband, guy was a loser. I had moved 6 hours away after the divorce because I lost everything and in January she came to visit...and stayed. We got an apartment together which was only affordable with two of us. We werent here a month....didnt even get unpacked....and she abandoned me for a scumbag she met online. That was July 4th weekend. I have not stopped crying, yet, wake up every morning panicking and crying and spend the day that way. I cannot afford my heart medicine so I've been off it for almost 3 months, so I really dont know how long I have to live. The medicine was keeping me alive. She never calls me and has abandoned close friends and family for this piece of trash! He has no job, no car, lives with his Mother in a one bedroom house....which is where she and my Grandson are living, too on a screened-in porch...is on probation for aggravated domestic violence and child abuse without great bodily harm. She's 31 and I love her so much but I cannot let her victimize me anymore. Sometimes, when they realize we've had it with them, it makes things better. Leave your Daughter alone for awhile. When she rea;izes her temper tantrun isnt getting her anywhere, she'll be back. They ALWAYS come back.
Praying for you. "

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