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Caught in the crossfires of a "bad day"
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What do I do? Something so small can seem so big to my DH and when it hits him like that he's mad, depressed, withdrawn etc and I'm stuck in the middle. He pushes me away, sometimes with hurtful words like i just don't care about him or i never listen, he will get mad and be mad for an hour or as long as a couple of days. He won't talk to me and any reasoning or 'excuse' there is only makes things worse. There are days when I feel like I can't do anything right when he is concerned. How do I cope??? I apologize so much for stupid little things that he doesn't care anymore, he thinks i don't mean it. I don't want to get so wrapped up in his depression that I end up depressed and withdrawn too. I just want a happy marriage with the person I love so much.
AND can I vent for just a minute too......... I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE the changes that depression has made in his life!!! I am soooo sick and tired of not being able to see his big smile, hear him laugh (genuine laughs), get a hug, or even hear a simple freaking i love you once in a while. I am soo angry at what depression is taking from him and from me! I WANT DEPRESSION TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted on 11/04/09, 11:11 am |
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One thing you're going to have to do is try to find why he's depressed. Let's say it's his daily schedule being too frequent. If that's it you have to change it. Mix things up a bit. You analyze what could be the problem, and you change that aspect, and perhaps he'll get better. Sometimes, the matter is just something you can't change. If it's like that then you can always try to do something to help it. For example let's say he's depressed because he thinks he's fat. You probably can't change anything about that without urting his feelings, so you try to get him to wear more flattering clothes. I've done this to a friend of mine, and I can promise you that this will help. 
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I don't have an advice, but I know how you feel. My son is the same way.. You could of just as well described my son and I feel like you do. I think they sometimes take it out the most on those that love them the most. All we can do is keep supporting them, but we can't be their door mat either.
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Your situation is very similiar to many relationships but how others correct theirs may not necessarily be the best for yours but depression is depression and if untreated can lead to more than you or your husband are equipped to deal with. Does he admit to having a problem and if so, will he ask for help? If he doesn't believe he has one and you have patiently and lovingly talked to him, then what about a friend talking to him? He can come here and ask for advice. In the meantime, don't allow guilt to interfere with good judgement. It's obvious that you love him. It may take others to help him see that.
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thanks so much for the advice and just understanding of how it feels! It's so great to have people that know what you are going through. YKK it sounds like we have soo much in common with what we are dealing with! thanks for the prayers too! :)
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I know what you mean Fulloflove! I HATE this illness too. I would say at times like that you should be available but give him space. Don't pressure him or make him feel guilty for not "letting you in". Atleast for me, I find that doing the guilt trip and asking him constantly "What's wrong" only makes him cave in more or snap at me! I just get busy, take care of me like venting to my friends or getting on forums like this. I have little ones so I just take care of them. Then I always try to leave opportunities open to make myself available for him. To listen, to comfort, to let him know I do care. I also might write him a note, send a text, or leave a voicemail which doesnt' get immediate response but he will respond to it eventually. I always let him know I love him. Sometimes that's all we can do- wait.
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Hey there...
My wife suffers from depression. I think it's good to hate it, the depression. I loathe it. I hate the passive attitude people have toward mental illness. I hate that they think she should get over it, smile more, perk up. It is such a horrible, mean and relentless ailment. I started tracking her bouts with it. I started to notice trends that would lead to a "bottoming out", and now that I can see it coming I will try and do things to steer it away from her. We have 5 kids together, sometimes I feel the same about her and depression as I do when I'm being proactive in preventing my kids from being scared of the bogey man. It's so tiring. Just love him, the words can be mean and nasty but try and stay detached. Think of the depression as diabetes or other illnesses, because thats what it is. Hang in there.
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