Depression Support Group

So, I've recently been struggling with anxiety at home, school, public, everywhere. had a feeling this could relate to some things that i myself have been through. I plan on being detailed ( as much as i want to be and can). So lets begin, My full name is Kyle James Smith. Son of 2 military parents, and a very loving yet racist family. My mom and father divorced when i was 2, i have a twin sister that lived with me until the age of 11 (more on that later) my mom has never liked my father. never will for reasons i have yet to find out. Although divorced and having kids together. my dad moved to spokane and my mom to a base near seattle. I liked it there, besides the fact that the schools where too tough for me ( had troubles grasping some things such as writing, and grammar, which I'm sure you will find true with this story hahaha). So from the ages of whenever to about 6ish my mom was moving from bf to bf, didn't quite register to me what was going on,lots of confusion. She meet a man named steve who she married ( horrible man ) wallsits where a daily punishment. As a child my mom made potato soup, i happened to find it absolutely terrible and down right gross, she didn't care she forced me to sit at the table till it was gone ( cold or warm) night or day, rain or shine, at one point i tried to eat it and ended up only being able to leave the table because i had thrown up the soup. At the age of six steve my mom and twin sister took a road trip in a semi to ny to see my dads side of the family. I vaguely remember much more then absolutely loving the fucking shit out of stewarts chocolate milk ( going through a gallon in about 3 days) LOL! as a 6 year old. Anyways. From then we moved back to spokane, back into "Sunny Vista" trailer park. I liked the place besides the fact that it has this tree in the yard. Biiiiiigg tree lots of pods that attracted LOTS of bees. i recall being stung by 12 hornets one day. Now soon enough my mom and steve broke up. A man named james i believe and his daughter rachel moved in with us. Rachel was around my age (little older) and her father was a kind man. They left, Soon after that my mom and sister began to have fights. Now they never get along ( even now) and i suspect never will. Anyways, Years goes by and my mom meets a man named Joel Adams. He soon becomes a familiar face around my house and then moves in.. I didn't like the man to begin with ( as a 10 year old i suspected he was abusive and bad) Now. His son matt starts to come around on the weekends. matt is a year younger then me. Fat little faggeet who gets whatever he wants out of his parents and hardly ever gets in trouble. Now everything was fine and dandy besides the fact that life was soon becoming a hell. It started with my mom and sister and joel fighting about her being a nuisance. Climbed and climbed to bad child, irresponsible, lack of will, unteachable, unwilling to learn, etc. Then i noticed Joel beginning to drink.. not just a few beers a day. beer after beer after beer after beer after beer, spending upwards of 500 a month and sometimes more then that on alch. alone. Along with these i am slowly being put on the back burner with matt ( who is by now living with us). We don't start drama because we didn't wanna be put in the same spot as my sister. Now, one night in 7th grade my sister decides to run away. My newish neighbor Hannah Kellams had let my sister stay at her place. While my mom is out furiously trying to find and track down alexis, joel forces me and matt to go ask hannah and see if shes there. She is, Here is what unfolded next: My sister comes out of the house, we start walking back down to the corner of the street to take a left and head back to the back corner of the park which is where we lived. It was about 8 at night and a nice september night. Joel is walking down the street cussing and fists clenched. He grabs my sister by the hair and starts dragging her toward the house. She fights to run away screaming" LET GO LET GO" he refuses and instead pulls hard until she gives in weeping only following him because she cant stand her hair being ripped out. Me and matt are shaking, we are frightened by what is happening im yelling at joel to stop but hesitant to do anything knowing if i do i risk myself being targeted by him and abused and hurt. As we approach the house he tells matt to open the gate. He marches with my sisters hair still in his hand and literally throws her in the house, on the living room floor. As she lays on the floor crying and sobbing, glasses broken, hair all over the place. Joel orders me and matt to go to our rooms. My mom soon pulls into the driveway. As she marches up the stairs to our front door joel is walking back toward our room, shutting the door behind him and putting us in corners. Not allowing cell phone use, As we sit there for the next hour and a half listening to screams and crys, Slaps toss's cussing, more cussing, more hitting yelling, anger, pain, It all starts to weigh on me. It all starts to hit me, this is really happening. The crying stops. The yelling dyes to a low roar. My sister is scared for life. We all are. I am sobbing my eyes out, Partly from fear, partly for not being able to do anything about it. I walk out to the kitchen and tell my mom she disgusts me. Me and her end up getting into a fight over it, I tell her how she is a terrible parent, how she should be ashamed of herself. How i will always hate and loathe her for this, Shes a fucking cunt, a devil, a bitch, w/e makes lifes miserable. shes it. Igo to bed that night not knowing if things will blow up again, still crying i pass out out of shear fatigue and stress. I wake up with my mom telling me to go with my father. And when i come back on sunday, to not expect my sister to be returning with me. This is the last time i live with my sister. this is when our roads take different courses. The beating happened.... id say on a friday. The weekend i was with my dad & now my sister, My dad lived in a apartment at 1st then moved to a house when he got custody of my sister. The weekend was relaxed, lots of family hangout time. This was when i started playing World Of Warcraft. Natural at the game and ( not trying to brag) a damn good player. Played ALOT and im not talking about 2hrs max time im talking about 24hrs on the computer missing on grocery store trips pizza, movies, spending time with family, etc. Took ALL of my time. Now Slowly this began dripping out my social life. I wouldnt hangout with anyone didnt wanna spend nights with my friends. Half a year passed. Same ol' same ol' fear of being hit, sent away or grounded proceeded. Joel (stepdad) started not coming home till 3am, Drinking alot spending alot more money at bars. We started having money problems Issues escalated even more to the point where i had to be nervous about someone coming home, How they were going to react to anything. Wether it was a good day or bad day, If i was gonna get yelled and screamed at. Called worthless, Be accused of doing drugs ( age 12 Wasn't doing drugs then, Started smoking weed with all my close friends just as a stress releaser and for fun soon after i turned 12.) Everything really stayed the same till about freshman year. This is where the socialy akward, some friends, More aquantiences (< ) to anyone then really friends. I meet Jeff Rouselle and Nick Vaudrey the 1st day of freshman year. Became instant buddies wit these two 'stoners' :P From there i snow ball and become a very popular student and stoner. Friends with all the upper classmen gained me respect, and popularity as well. Smoking weed opened up my social friends. All the "partyers" are extremely close friends we all watch eachothers back and help eachother if needed. I Got a girlfriend ( not my 1st) Ended up walking in on her and my now old best friend Fucking. ( very pleasant experience... Seeing how that was the night i was suppose to lose my virginity xD fml right?). Depression and anti sociality kicked in till about junior year. Where a friend from freshman year ( Michelle Earl ) Who i was absolutely in love with ended up cheating on her bf ( phil ) with me. No sex ( although i wasnt a virgin when this happened.) Virginity was a drunken haze for me. I remember doggy style and spooning afterwards with a girl named makenzi, That is absolutely it until i woke up next to her. saw my self naked. her naked. and high fived' myself. Although michelle and i had a intimate and almost healthy relationship she didnt want to dump her boyfriend for me. ( funny story she dumped him 3 months later and started dating a boy named zach, after gong from daily hug/ talking to every chance we could friends to ignoring me and not being able to make eye contact nor wanting me to notice her glance. Although i always did. Forward until present where she is actually Pregnant with zachs kid and isnt receiving virtually any help from him.) Depression set in further along with a 4 week long case of mold poisoning. As did slight anxiety. About 2 months after michelle i meet Lynnsey Marie Vanessa Olson. Who Instantly was a girl i liked. After talking for a couple weeks hangingout a couple times we decided to date. Romance off the start, Chemistry was right, Her parents and family LOVED ME. My family liked her. Things were great (as far as i knew) After her leaving for a 2 month germany trip I recieve a message from one of her closest friends ( Okay so no one else wants to tell you, Your really sweet kyle you deserve so much better. Vanessa Is cheating on you talking to other guys sending them pictures Etc) From there started a 2 week emotional battle to try and salvage some type of relationship ( which didnt happen) Instead she lied and lied and refused to admit to anything. ( women aye?) So After ending it im hearing alot of chatter about her. ( its not my place to put that kind of derogatory in this although i might do a future entry on this experience alone and what it has taught me. Along with how my own parents relationship habits have made me notice and refuse to be the same way.) after this relationship ( This current summer ) I've really begun to look at my anxiety problem, Stuff in my past. Ive been thinking about going to college for psychology, Or possibly doing military. Havnt set a final goal But my plan is to ESCAPE. My mom and her recent bf are breaking up. We are moving from spirtlake back to spokane!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Oh yea thats another ting that majorly effected me but i have sense delt with. Well kindda. Is moving from spokane ad everything i know 20mins away to spirtlake. Although i still go to school and am in spokane when i can be, life is very different out here. I don't like it. I am currently an 18 Year old citizen of the United States of America. I am a cannabis supporter, A liberal And independent supporter, I suffer with anxiety depression and Strange nausea. I am dealing with everything, Just trying to graduate highschool. Hopefully i can escape the united states to germany or the Netherlands ( ultimate goal :P). I am Surpremisit and slightly Neo-nazi raciest ( although i dont show it openly) I am doing Ok in life... so i think? no job. Feel free to leave any response's Story sharing is welcome if you have a similar experience/ can relate to me :) im always friendly Will always wanna be your friend. I am open to outside messaging but no phone calls :/ ( dont have the mins on my plan nor time to talk on the phone alot) Message me :) Also Comments or any personal advice would be welcome. any comments really. If anyone has a masters or phd in Psychology MESSAGE ME PLEASSSEE!!!!!!! Thank you :)
Posted on 03/07/12, 08:16 pm