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My son's Cancer
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I need to find out what is going on with my son, age 37. I have just found out from his best friend that my son has basically turned into a hermit. His friend tries to get him to simply go Just ride around and he won't do it. He doesn't go anywhere, even to the store. His aunt does that for him. His friend tries to get him to come to his house for a visit. No one would be there but the 2 of them and he won't do it. And he knows that his friend has worked as an aide for about 14 years so his friend knows how to physically take care of him.
I want to schedule a ride with this place to go see him every week. He doesn't seem to want that. Every 2 weeks is about the best he will agree to, and he says the choices are his, not his aunt's. He use to smoke marijuana before he got sick. Since he has cancer he could get marijuana legally if he would just ask the doctor. He won't do it. And I suggested it to him early on. His friend said he has spent almost none of his disability money. On himself or anyone. Why? I would think he could be spending it on whatever entertainment he enjoys, like video games or whatever. He seems to have become a total hermit and is in denial about his cancer. The MJ would help him with his appetite and pain. Why won't he ask the doctor? I have no idea what sort of burial he wants. I have no $$ for any of that. Will hospice take care of that stuff? I really think I need to call up Hospice and see if he is doing anything with them at all beyond them getting him a walker. Does he have to give them permission to talk to me about him? I am at a total loss to understand what is going on with my son. Does he think he isn't going to die? Is he too embarrassed about how he looks to go out? Have you ever heard of this sort of thing going on with any cancer patient? I need some answers. I don't have long left to be with him and I want to know what to do. Proofer Posted on 09/10/12, 08:18 am |
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Answers don't matter now. My son said he doesn't want me to visit him again. So I guess the next time I will see him is in his coffin.
Proofer 
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It might be good for you to call hospice for your own sake...they will help family members in situations like this, not just the patient...if anyone would "get it" in terms of what you are going through, it will be them. You shouldn't need his permission to talk to him, you are an immediate family member and can receive their counseling without his consent.
Sounds like your son is trying to spare you the agony of seeing him deteriorate.....again, hospice can help you understand, at least as much as can be understood, the why of his choices and help you with your own heartache. Please do give them a call, you should not go through this alone...loosing one's child, no matter how young/old is horrid.
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Ii don't need to talk to hospice except about him, and they say they can give me no info without his approval.
Proofer
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i'm sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain, I don't know anything, but I'm sorry just the same, I wish people did not have to suffer like they do.
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I'm sorry, it sounds to me like he is in depression! Rightfully so! I have a chronic illness and I can tell you anytime there is a chronic or terminal illness there will be debilitating depression. I isolated for almost 3 years and just went deeper and deeper in depression! An anti-depressant would probably be of great benefit to him, if he will co-operate. Lexapro pulled me out of my deep black hole! I had continuous suicidal thoughts and that is gone now. (((HUGS))) Ted
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I didn't mean to imply Hospice would give you any info about your son, what I'd meant was that they could help you cope with your own emotional pain from his condition.
You understandably are going through your own emotional hell right now with his cancer advancing as it is. Perhaps he is trying to spare you the pain of watching him go through this without realizing the heartache his distancing himself is causing you. I hope he will change his mind for both your sakes.
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Insomniatonite,
Thank you for your sympathies. They are appreciated. Tedward, I agree about the depression. But I doubt he will ask for meds. He is the type who thinks he can handle it all on his own. He did start talking to me again later on that day. He said he freaked out a little at the idea of me scheduling weekly visits and me wanting those visits to be alone. I explained that I would like just 1 visit to be alone with him. (What does freaked out mean?) He said to give him this week without me visiting him and then we would work something out. Proofer
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The best thing you can do for your son if depression is the issue that is underneath the physical problems is to give him love and space. Right now he feels safer with things as they are. Has he been through some trauma that would account for his social anxiety? Don't push your way in where he isn't comfortable having you yet. I realize you don't have much time but I am afraid if you push too hard you will lose him. Is there a way you can find out about his well being? I don't blame you for worrying. Hang in there and keep us posted.
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