Depression Support Group

Yes I understand how you feel. I understand that it is not a knee jerk decision but something that you have reached over time
However the fact that you don't want to be a screw up again, the fact that you want to give this apprenticeship a chance says to me that there is some part of you however small that wants to live.

Depression and paranoia and suicidal thoughts are big demons to deal with, are you on any medication? Do you have a therapist you could talk to about this? If not why not try asking for help. You can always try things for a few weeks and see if things improve.

It can't hurt to try, but you are worth trying for. You deserve more from your life than the pain that is expressed here. Keep talking, I will listen, if you want to PM then that is ok too.

Be gentle with yourself. See what happens when you start the apprenticeship, who knows it could be the start of a whole new life for you. Are you willing to give up on that chance? The chance to change completely? To turn everything around? Do you really want to die knowing that you didn't try everything that you could?

*gentle hugs*

Hugs to you

I can relate to how you feel. You are telling me my own story. The big difference is this: I felt just that way at age 18. I am 63 now, and that is a very long time to live with major depression.

Are you really so sure you have experienced all there is of life? I am not going to say that my years give me any special qualification. I am going to say that my life has not been a waste. I found two wives, fathered three children, did a dangerous job for 34 years, and people tell me I have lived a good life. That is for them to say, not me.

You don't need to read my biography. I only want to tell you that you have not see it all yet, and that it does eventually get better. Depression cannot last. If you reach out to this community, many hands will reach back. I live in California. My friend, Scaredandscarred has been a member of this community for a long time. Two people could not be more different than we, but here we are, and both of us have had the issue face us. Many others here, too. So keep reaching out; help someone else if you can. WE are all in this together!!! I am bob cj. I tell you my truth.

My apologies Mr. Danbert, if this sounds harsh, or even laughable. I don't mean to be antagonistic either, but I have come to a major conclusion, and quite possibly you may benefit from it. Here it is...

At 18, you don't know jack shit. Sorry, but unless you are a gifted person, or borderline genius, you are in the very same state as so many other 18 year olds. I'm chuckling now, because at 18, my life hung by a thread as well, and 19-20 were not all that much better. The law may say you're an adult at 21, but trust me, many of us take 40+ years to "grow up". (If EVER! LOL)

So, if suicide seems like the best way out of here, and you don't care who you hurt in the process, then fine, clean up the gene pool. However, I will promise you this, you CAN escape your life as it currently is, and you DO have potential, regardless what you think or what anyone else tells you. The Lord does not make mistakes.

A friend once told me, Put your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called PURPOSE. You are here for a reason, and the reason may not even be about YOU, it may be someone else entirely. So, young man, I challenge you to FIND that PURPOSE. Do not let the evil in the world sway you from your path. Make good intelligent choices, and reach out here for help when you need it. You'll see that others are more than willing to help.

Good luck to you, Sir, and may you find the purpose you seek.
~theGuardian

Danbert,

I have come to the same slow methodical rational decision myself before. I came to that decision after a prolonged period of failure, screwups, rejection, hurting others indirectly and routinely, shame, and self-hate. Those are just a handful of symptoms. I won't bore you with the details of my well laid plan.

I decided this should be shared with someone. I did, including with a professional. Even when people told me the mistake I was making, how selfish, how horrible and idea it was, I couldn't see it. I couldn't.

Remember that goofy movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? And one day, with no hope, in fact beyond hope, a broken portapotty floats in with the daily tide of emptiness. Not a glamorous ship, it was something people crap in. And he builds a sail with it. Point of all that is you never know what the tide might bring in. That's what happened to me. And it was about as glamorous as a portopotty. And I had to drag it in, ask for directions, and build the sail. It was flimsy, poorly designed, and embarrassing compared to others handiwork. My point is, I saw no hope. But I was wrong. Just wrong pal! I think you and I have similar misalignments. And theres hope. Real hope.

Almost a year later I sit with new found friends, and although I can't quite laugh about it, I can see how insane I truly was, and how my thought patterns were severely misaligned. Not every moment is roses, nope. But holy smokes, life is so worth living.

Do what's right. Get the help you need. We care!

Peace.

I take medication for epilepsy and I've had to have the dose reduced recently as it was causing me to have suicidal thoughts and now that's been done I'm feeling so much better. You don't state whether or not you're on medication but I just want to say there is hope and I hope I'm proof of that. By the way, I used to live near Oxford so I can sympathise with you regarding the transport.