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Crisis Center
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IN DESPARATE CRISIS
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I AM HAVING SUCH AN EXTEMELY BAD DAY TODAY.
WOKE UP WITH SO MUCH ANXIETY AND ANGUISH OVER MY PAST THAT I CANT GET IT BACK AND NOW I DONT KNOW WHERE TO TURN IN LIFE ANYMORE. GUILT, SHAME EMBARASSEMENT, HOPELESS WORTHLESS. JUST SO MANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ALL OF THE TIME ABOUT THE BAD DECISIONS THAT I HAVE MADE . THE ANXIETY IS SO BAD THAT I FEEL LIKE CLIMBING THE WALLS. I AM HAVING SO MANY SUCIDIAL THOUGHTS THAT I AM SO AFRAID THAT I MAY ACT ON THEM BAD JOB DECISION THAT HAS COST ME SO MUCH. HAD TWO JOB OFFERS, TOOK THE ONE THEN ANOTHER OFFER CAME ALONG CLOSER TO HOME MORE MONEY SEEMED MORE OF A CHALLENGE SO I TOOK THE JOB AND WENT FOR TRAINIG FOR THREE DAYS, STRUGGLED WITH THE TRAINING SO THIS EMPLOYER DECIDED NOT TO HIRE ME AND NOW I HAVE NO JOB . I SHOULD NENVER HAVE TAKEN THIS JOB AND TAKEN THE OTHER JOB AS NOW I AM WITHOUT A JOB AT ALL AND IN THIS ECONOMY ITS NOT EASY TO GET A JOB, SO I AM SUCH A FAILURE IN LIFE. MY HUSBAND IS WORKING BUT ITS HARD TO SURVIVE ON ONE INCOME AND I WORRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT OUR FINANCES. I JUST KNOW THAT I AM NEVER GOING TO GET ANOTHER JOB AND ITS HARD AY MAY AGE OF 60. IF I WAS GOING TO BE 62 INDECEMBER THEN I COULD TAKE EARLY RETIRMENT AND WORK PART TIME BUT SINCE I HAVE OVER ANOTHER YEAR TO GO THAT WONT SOLVE THE PROBLEM. I KNOW THAT THIS IS SO HARD ON MY HUSBAND AS WELL AS THIS IS ALL I TALK ABOUT WITH HIM AND I KNOW THAT IT IS WEARING ON HIM AS WELL. I DONT FEEL GO MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY AND HARDLY EAT AND CANT FUNCTION NO MOTIVATION JUST WANT TO LAY ON THE COUCH ALL DAY LONG I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE COMPUTER LOOKING FOR A JOB DURING THE WEEK 2-3 HOURS A DAY AND I AM ALONE IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY SINCE MY HUSBAND IS AT WORK I JUST DONT WANT TO EVEN THE LEAVE THE HOUSE AS IT IS SO HARD TO DO/ I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP ON MY LIFE AS I DONT SEE IT EVER GETTING ANY BETTER AND I JUST WANT TO END IT ALL AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I KNOW THAT IS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN PLEASE I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME AS I AM SO AFRAID OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DONT GET SOME HELP SOON. CANT AFFORD TO SEE ANYONE AS I DONT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, THE THERAPIST I WAS SEEING DOESNT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL SO I FEEL THAT SHE IS NOT HELPING ME AT ALL SUE Posted on 07/01/12, 12:54 pm |
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I am glad to see you have gotten some responses and love sent your way. You were wise and brave to post here as honestly as you have. I can relate to a lot of the feelings and circumstances you are dealing with. I too don't work and am home alone while my wife works. I too am unsuccessfully looking for a job. I too face financial problems due to lack of income and tend to worry about money a lot. I too struggle with self hate due to bad past decisions. I have made a career of screwing up it seems. Is your self hate centered on this one decision (I agree with Tedward--I would have made the same decision you did) or do you too have other things you are crucifying yourself over? Self hate is a terrible thing to have and it makes depression and anxiety much worse. It creates a true hell on earth. I am part of a close-knit group which is called Self Hate Syndrome. There are others there who struggle as you do and who deal with a lot of shame and guilt and dwelling on the past. Here is the link if you are interested:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... I don' t know how your relationship is with your husband but I am sure if you were to act out on this desire to kill yourself it would devastate and haunt him for the rest of his days. I too think about suicide a lot when I am real down but knowing what it would do to my wife keeps me going. Please don't leave behind a legacy of pain for your husband. I too haven't much motivation when depressed. That comes with the territory and isn't something to beat yourself up over. I know that is easier said than done. It sounds like you make yourself get up and look for work and I hope you are giving yourself credit for that. You have made a good decision to join here. There is a lot of love and support on ds and I hope you find the help you need to not make the absolutely worst decision you could ever make, one that you could never make up for. I am here for you if you need to vent. 
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I am glad to see you have gotten some responses and love sent your way. You were wise and brave to post here as honestly as you have. I can relate to a lot of the feelings and circumstances you are dealing with. I too don't work and am home alone while my wife works. I too am unsuccessfully looking for a job. I too face financial problems due to lack of income and tend to worry about money a lot. I too struggle with self hate due to bad past decisions. I have made a career of screwing up it seems. Is your self hate centered on this one decision (I agree with Tedward--I would have made the same decision you did) or do you too have other things you are crucifying yourself over? Self hate is a terrible thing to have and it makes depression and anxiety much worse. It creates a true hell on earth. I am part of a close-knit group which is called Self Hate Syndrome. There are others there who struggle as you do and who deal with a lot of shame and guilt and dwelling on the past. Here is the link if you are interested:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... I don' t know how your relationship is with your husband but I am sure if you were to act out on this desire to kill yourself it would devastate and haunt him for the rest of his days. I too think about suicide a lot when I am real down but knowing what it would do to my wife keeps me going. Please don't leave behind a legacy of pain for your husband. I too haven't much motivation when depressed. That comes with the territory and isn't something to beat yourself up over. I know that is easier said than done. It sounds like you make yourself get up and look for work and I hope you are giving yourself credit for that. You have made a good decision to join here. There is a lot of love and support on ds and I hope you find the help you need to not make the absolutely worst decision you could ever make, one that you could never make up for. I am here for you if you need to vent.
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I am glad to see you have gotten some responses and love sent your way. You were wise and brave to post here as honestly as you have. I can relate to a lot of the feelings and circumstances you are dealing with. I too don't work and am home alone while my wife works. I too am unsuccessfully looking for a job. I too face financial problems due to lack of income and tend to worry about money a lot. I too struggle with self hate due to bad past decisions. I have made a career of screwing up it seems. Is your self hate centered on this one decision (I agree with Tedward--I would have made the same decision you did) or do you too have other things you are crucifying yourself over? Self hate is a terrible thing to have and it makes depression and anxiety much worse. It creates a true hell on earth. I am part of a close-knit group which is called Self Hate Syndrome. There are others there who struggle as you do and who deal with a lot of shame and guilt and dwelling on the past. Here is the link if you are interested:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups... I don' t know how your relationship is with your husband but I am sure if you were to act out on this desire to kill yourself it would devastate and haunt him for the rest of his days. I too think about suicide a lot when I am real down but knowing what it would do to my wife keeps me going. Please don't leave behind a legacy of pain for your husband. I too haven't much motivation when depressed. That comes with the territory and isn't something to beat yourself up over. I know that is easier said than done. It sounds like you make yourself get up and look for work and I hope you are giving yourself credit for that. You have made a good decision to join here. There is a lot of love and support on ds and I hope you find the help you need to not make the absolutely worst decision you could ever make, one that you could never make up for. I am here for you if you need to vent.
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Sue, I too am looking for a new job, but I also decided to change my career since I could not find much satisfaction in the one I was trained in. I was layed off from my last position at 58. I have been looking for another job for over a year, and have not gotten one interview yet. Money comes up quite a bit, and I try to keep from spending, but am not too successful since taxes seem to eat us alive. I have made quite a few mistakes in my past, and I try to learn at least one thing from them. Another thing I try to do is live just oneday at a time, and remind myself that I can not focus on the past or I will begin having anxiety attacks, or project into the future. This is a matter of survival for me.
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This too shall pass! The Lord will never give you more than u can handle, even if he has to carry you! Just hang in there, everything happens for a reason. I'm sorry for you too, but keep pushin' on! AThings will get better for you eventually. As for the depression, I wouuld find a psych or even a family physician to get you on anti-depressants.Remember the first is not always the right one. They saved me from another visit to the mental health facility here!
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Dear Tedward,
Thank you for your post, I certainly hope that this too shall pass and the Lord is going to carry me and see me thru as I have no hope for the future at all of ever finding another job and that is whay is driving my anxiety I really dont know if it depression so much as terrible anxiety and i really cannot afford to see anyone as i dont have health insurance, just such a rocky time in my life now and i really dont think that i am going to make it out alive if something doesnt happen soon. as day after day of feeling like a failure in life worrying about finances all of the time and not being able to stop the negative feelings is greatly taking its toll on me and I dont know how much more I can stand of this. Sue
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Hi Sue
I haven't given up on you finding a job, so don't you give up either. It is going to happen. As I said before, maybe not tomorrow, but it WILL happen. Hang in there hon, it's going to be okay.
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